How do you live with a smoker?

[FloorCandy]

Could a separate, small house on your property be an option? I'm thinking something with one main room and one bathroom. The main room would double as bedroom and "living" room, probably with a small fridge and a microwave as well.

That would let her have her own space, outside of your house, but still have her close enough that you can help if she needs help, and she could perhaps come to your house for 1-2 meals each day. (Or you could bring her a plate of whatever you cooked for dinner, if you and she prefer not to eat at the same table that often.)

Of course there are a lot of possible disadvantages--might not be enough space on your land, might not be legally permitted to put a separate dwelling unit on your property, it's not cheap to build it or renovate something so it works, it will stink of cigarette smoke forever after, she may object to the idea, etc. So I don't know whether it is possible, or whether it would actually help even if it is possible.

I wish we could build something but we live in the nyc suburbs so you can’t build structures Willy nilly. To get a shed permit it was a $700 permit fee and a 3 month processing time. Our lot is only 50x100 ft and about 2/3 of that is house, deck, front yard (we can’t even fence our front yard).

I’ve just been really trying to keep in mind how depressed she must be. Her sons act like she doesn’t exist unless they need something, her ex is remarried, I know it’s hard. Her smoking plays a big part in her sons not wanting her to visit, but she is unwilling to even try to quit.

I’m sick today and I’m sitting on the couch with a headache and she goes past onto the deck, smoking and flicking ashes in the doorway again. I ask her to please flick them over the far side (the side where the quail are not) hubby shoveled a path across the deck, I put her ashtray there, does she want a neon sign? She says oh I try not to go out there. I’m like, so doing it on the front porch is better? People are still tracking ashy sludge onto my entry rug. She came in with no butt, and didn’t go down to empty the ashtray (if she even used it). At best there’s an ashtray out in the snowstorm blowing ashes and butts all over the yard, at worst there’s a fresh burn mark in my deck and a butt on the ground.

 

[FloorCandy]

Perhaps I am out of line, but for your own sanity, you have got to get your mother out.

She is 65, not 90. Baring any physical health issues, she can be self-sufficient still.

I'm not saying you can't help her, I would never say that. But paying for her car insurance, because she chose not to, feeding her groceries, buying her a car, her not cleaning up after herself. We are not talking about a wayward teenager here. She is an adult woman.

She has shown no regard or kindness to you according to your initial post. I am not saying return in kind. I am just saying the life is too short to be miserable all the time.

Could you and your siblings each kick in enough money to help her with rent for a studio apartment? Is that a possible solution? Probably be a lot cheaper than paying her car insurance and feeding another adult and buying her replacement cars.

I agree, but my options are she lives here or her car. My brothers give her nothing, but I’m pretty sure she gives them money when she has it, hoping to make them love her. It’s sad, but I decided my brothers being a-holes is not something I can do anything about. They shut me out of their lives when they literally endangered her life and I went off on them. I’m a parent and I get it, but she raised them to be inconsiderate jerks, and now it backfired on her. When her car died for good on the way to my brothers house, they wouldn’t even pick her up from the side of the road, despite the fact that one of them is a mechanic. They pitched in no money for the car, and this year as a Christmas/birthday present, one of them sent her a candle, 1 small candle.

we do have the constant arguments over her nonsense, but honestly I was raised by my grandparents and if I threw her out and she ended up on the streets I feel like I would be letting them down. But they started this by coddling her bad behavior in the first place. It’s a tough call, it’s like letting a mentally handicapped person out into the world when you know they can’t handle it. She would make “new friends” who would bleed her dry and abandon her.

Somehow 2 of the most caring and loving people I know raised a brood of terribly selfish children. My mother had 2 half brothers who passed (much older). They were the worst, one was living with a mistress for years and was stationed far from home (in like the mid 60s) he wrote or called his wife and told her he was coming home and to meet him at the airport. When she got there, a man handed her divorce papers. He never went home or spoke to her. She was destitute and his children never spoke to him again. It’s very sad and strange because I didn’t turn out that way, and they raised me as well. But the boys were military officers so maybe it was the lifestyle common to military men at the time, a woman in every port or something.

 

[FloorCandy]

You probably should not be posting about this on this site. sorry for your situation

Ok I guess I won’t, but for the record, no one told you to read it, you can just choose not to.

 

[FloorCandy]

You know what, thank you for your input everyone, thinking about how hard it is for her has made me try to consider her feelings more, but I’m not really looking to get in more fights with inconsiderate pieces of trash, so I’m just going to stop posting on anything besides my birds, I’ll ignore all other sections of the site.

 

[MamaBelle5]

I agree, but my options are she lives here or her car.

No, those are not your options. You cannot be responsible for another adult's decisions. Your options are to either allow her to live with you or to not. That is within your control.

honestly I was raised by my grandparents and if I threw her out and she ended up on the streets I feel like I would be letting them down.

Your grandparents raised you when she was either unwilling or unable to. I think they would likely be proud of your compassion, but would not want you to be miserable.

It’s a tough call, it’s like letting a mentally handicapped person out into the world when you know they can’t handle it.

No, it isn't. A mentally handicapped person who is not high functioning cannot survive without assistance. Your mother is choosing not to. I am not disregarding the difficulty that depression puts on a person, but that doesn't excuse her behavior towards you.

 

[black_cat]

Well.....you did come onto this thread, tell the OP they were wrong, and continue to act in a generally inconsiderate manner, so I can see why they may not think highly of you.

 

[MamaBelle5]

There is no reason for personal attacks from anyone. Let's all try to be considerate and compassionate.

 

[FloorCandy]

I appreciate the supportive words, and I’ve taken a lot to heart, but I encourage everyone to just ignore this thread, it already brought a troll, and the last thing I wanted was someone else to fight with and be irritated at.

Sometimes it makes things easier just to know you aren’t the crazy one, and other people think it’s crazy behavior too, and mamabelle, I hear what youre saying, I agree and if it was my friend having my same issues, I’d be like kick em to the curb, but then I see elderly homeless women begging for change and I see her in their place, and I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. She was married for 23 years and all her friends were his friends, and no one speaks to her since the divorce. She has newer friends, but the only ones who held on are as bad off as she is. We have been wanting to buy acreage, and if we do I plan to get her a small trailer so she can be near but not in my house 24/7. But planning a big move takes time, my husband is ready to go, but I’m the one who’s like but the kids and their friends and our friends ...

 

[MamaBelle5]

mamabelle, I hear what youre saying, I agree and if it was my friend having my same issues, I’d be like kick em to the curb

I get it.

It's a lot easier to give difficult advice than it is to receive it. I wish you well.

 

[KingD]

I was reading this with a cigarette in my hand but the post was so long I finished it about halfway through. Menthols, beh even I hate the smell of them, they are far more cancerogenic too and we all know cigs are not that healthy to start with especially on a poor diet.
But I tried vapes, thought I'd be doing my wallet and my health some good but had to quit vaping as it made me cough and made my lungs hurt.
There is decades worth of info on the effects of smoking and granted they are not healthy but david attenborough was a heavy smoker and he's 94 years old and still fit as a fiddle.

Vaping on the other hand we know practically nothing about the long term health effects of vaping. I don't know any person that has made it to 94 as a heavy vaper. Early studies show they cause health problems and just from my experience vaping is not good - it was drying my lungs and long term I feel vaping was going to do more damage than smoking.

The experts disagree now as they have no other info to rely on yet but I bet that will change as we learn more about vaping.

Smoking is however far more addictive than vaping so there is that. As a smoker I know, I'd struggle too much quitting, certainly not easy when the person is going through mental problems too.

You need all the mental energy you can get to quit and it does not sound like she has that going for her.

There is a simple solution to this. You start charging rent. That might be easier said than done as she is family but I do have to wonder who pays for meals?

Does she eat with the family for free or what is the arrangement? I would get annoyed with your situation too but if she adds to the finances then you will be able to put up with her far more, just my thought.

To anyone reading this comment. It is no reason to start smoking!
It'll kill you. Everyone knows that.
When was the last time you saw someone in a wheelchair smoking?? Never. See, you die young.