How many jokes can you place on here?

[Poultryraiser]

Jokes anyone!!!!????

There was 2 ollives sitting in a tree on fell out
the one in the tree said are you ok
what did the one on the ground say?



All Live!

 

[hypnofrogstevie]

I wish I had some but all of mine are not for childs eyes.

 

[Steve]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[ChuckenGirl]

hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats a good one

ok heres a good clean one

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This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[Yogiman]

When Cinderella Got Old

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.

I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

 

[ilovemychickies]

Here's one that I found.

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One upon a time a funny blonde decided to try horse riding even though she had never tried it before. She got on the horse and began riding at a slow pace. Eventually the horse got faster and faster until the blonde wasn't able to hold on. All of a sudden she felt herself slipping from the saddle.

In desperation the blonde decided to jump and try to save herself. So she jumped, but her foot got caught in the saddle stirrup and she was helplessly pulled behind the horse with her head banging on the ground.

The blonde was near unconscious when she was rescued by Fred the Wal-Mart greeter, who unplugged the horse.

 

[AK-Bird-brain]

Why did the worm cross the road?


To get away from the chicken!



Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken!

 

[ChuckenGirl]

haha to the cinderella one

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to do that, replied the pizza delivery guy. Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!"

 

[bantymum]

Which side of a chook has the most feathers???????





The Outside!!!!!

 

[CayugaLover]

Why did the worm cross the road?


To get away from the chicken!



Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken!

i've got a couple...
why did the bubble gum cross the road?

'cause it was stuck to the chicken's foot!

okay, this one only works when it's spoken, so, just work with me here.
one dark night, the king and the queen got on an airplane. the plane crashed, and the king and the queen died. who was left?
the dark (k)night!

what can not be seen but only heard and will not speak until it is spoken to?
an echo!

abby was out to a fancy dinner, and a band was playing loudly nearby. she eventually got tired of their constant and terrible music, so she went to see the conductor. "do you have a request?" he asked her. "why yes, i request that the band go play poker for a couple hours." she replied pleasently.

what do you get if you blow hot air down a rabbit hole with a hair dryer?
hot, cross bunnies!

an old man was eating dinner at the same restaraunt he always ate at, every night. one night, he paid the bill, walked up the wall, walked across the ceiling, walked down the other wall, and walked out the door. the waiter, who was still sitting there, said, "that's odd. he didn't say 'good night'."

...sorry i don't have any good jokes, just lame ones XD