How to Ask my Parents to move out?!

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by MamaKid, Nov 27, 2013.

  1. MamaKid

    MamaKid In the Brooder

    Nov 27, 2013
    Sorry this is a long one.

    About two years ago my parents were struggling financially. My mother asked us to sell our house and buy theirs so they can still retain some dignity which I was more than happy to do. When we moved into our new home with them I repeatedly advised my father to go into bankruptcy as he was in a huge amount of debt. He consistently refused.

    I struck a verbal agreement with my mother that we would live together for 2 years after which they'd go and rent someplace. Two years time is approaching and my father is only now applying for bankruptcy.

    My mother isn't the type of woman to allow me to be a mother & wife to my 2 children and husband. If she doesn't do everything she gets offended. I've tried talking to her but everything I say she takes personally and thinks I'm being evil and full of hate.

    There are days when I feel sad and just can't shake it. She constantly yells at my kids and will not allow me to shower them or cook for them, she even tries to wash their clothes before I get home.

    My mother has been an immense help in allowing me to work while she looks after my kids as they were growing. But I feel like she sees me as only her daughter and not my children's mother. I've repeatedly tried explaining it to her but she takes it to a level where it turns into an argument.

    She doesn't allow my son to speak or enjoy his time when playing, constantly yelling at him to be quiet, and shushing him. I've set times for him to play video games on weekends only and he cannot even enjoy that.

    She continuously tries to control my daughters eating habits, at one stage driving her to anorexia before I began screaming and yelling for her to stop talking to my daughter about food. I managed to help my daughter get through it but she's still unstable when it comes to eating and I'm scared she'll revert back to not eating so she has some sense of control over her life.

    My mother continuously points out the flaws of me, my husband & my kids. Continuously as in every, single, day. Throughout the day when I'm at work as well as when I'm home.

    I cannot talk to her about it, I don't know how else to make her understand. When I ask her to allow me to be a mother to my children and have faith that she has raised me to know good from bad, wrong from right, she turns my words around and says that all I want is for her to keep her mouth shut and not talk to my kids at all. She twists my words even when I point out what she's doing. For some reason she thinks the worst about every single word that I speak. My family now spends all night separated with earphones on so we have some sort of escape from it all.

    My son has lost all confidence because he's continuously told off and not allowed to speak.

    I spoke to my mother and told her that she "won't have to worry about the kids anymore cause" they were gonna move out due to the two years being over. She immediately got defensive and said they can't move out.

    My brother moved in earlier this year as well (rent free/grocery & utility free as well). He lost his job and is now embarking on a business venture. He does the same thing to my kids as my mother does in that he always puts them down. I asked him to walk my kids to school. I found out recently that if they don't engage him in conversation and keep him from "falling asleep" he puts his earphones in, ignores them then gives them the silent treatment for the rest of the day. He constantly calls my kids names as does my mother and they get angry at me when I quietly ask them not to do that.

    I'm at a loss as to what to do. I love my family but it saddens me the way they treat us even after all we did/are doing for them. My mother tells me it's her house. Once, when I gave some trick or treaters candy and she didn't like it, I said it's my house and I'll do what I want. That sparked off the angry face and a tirade of yelling and statements that I have no respect for her.

    I really don't know what to do....

  2. piglett

    piglett Songster

    Feb 22, 2012
    tough call
    me myself, i would call a family meeting
    i would explain that things were going to HAVE to change
    lay down some rules, they might get mad....who cares
    they don't care about you or your kids
    if that didn't work i would rent a cheep place & move!!!
    turn off the lights,gas,phone & all of that there
    it could get down rite nasty but it sounds like things just have to change one way or another
    your mother is WAY out of line
    i would put my childeren 1st then the rest of them second
    so whatever you have to do to make things rite ....go ahead & get to it
  3. sourland

    sourland Broody Magician Premium Member

    May 3, 2009
    New Jersey
    I am in absolute agreement. I loved my parents and my in - laws, but never could have lived with them on a full time basis. They move or you move for the sanctity of your family. I truly hope that your Thanksgiving is a good one. First one out the door would be the newly arrived brother.
  4. appps

    appps Crowing

    Aug 29, 2012
    I guess its time to think long and hard about your main priorities. Which is most important to you happy healthy kids and enjoying those short few years we get to be their mum while they are kids or keeping your parents happy?

    At the moment it sounds like through simply being pushed around your parents have become the most important thing in your life. Personally I think its time you made it the kids again, especially when its causing possibly life threatening issues for them such as anorexia.

    You have the possibility of loosing someone from your life, do you choose your parent through a tantrum if she doesn't get her way or your child if she heads back into anorexia? When you break it down to the black and white its really an easy choice.

    I personally would simply begin looking for places for them and start speaking about it like its a forgone conclusion. I wouldn't ask them, I'd simply start talking about it as now its happening.
    Don't get into any fights about it. Walk away before it goes there and do not let her engage you in an argument. The point of her arguing with you is so you are left feeling the bad guy. Don't let her put you there where she has the power to push you round after when the guilt hits.
    Get the paper with the rental properties and start conversations with when you move not if. If you can start throwing in a deadline such it will be nice for you to be in before xxx so it starts to be your deadline.

    So basically. Don't ask her, treat it as a done deal and anytime she makes your resolve waver think about your kids and harden your resolve. I'd rather my parents ****** off at me than take the childhood from my kids.

    And your brother is an adult. Let him start acting like one. Again you are putting your kids second and that's not where they belong Everybody move out and start being adults and taking responsibility for their own lives or sell the house and get your kids their childhoods back that way.

    Good luck!!
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2013
    1 person likes this.

  5. punk-a-doodle

    punk-a-doodle Songster

    Apr 15, 2011
    Though it is impossible for me to accurately gauge your situation online, from what you have described it sounds like your mother likely has a personality disorder (speak with a professional therapist/psychologist who specializes in personality disorders for more information) and that you have troubles setting boundaries and acknowledging anger in a situation which is not uncommon when raised by an adult or adults with personality disorders. Your father and husband are strangely absent from the above description and involvement.

    If your husband or father have the stability and force to get this situation under control, talk to them immediately. If not, it sounds like you are not yet at a place where you are ready and able to set boundaries for yourself and your family. I strongly recommend that you speak with a quality, professional therapist/clinical psychologist to both help you handle and change the current situation and to help you develop healthy boundary setting abilities.

    Let me relate a personal story. Not too long ago, my family was looking to move states. A person I've 'known' distantly since high school told me my husband and I could rent from her as she needed some help paying the bills. Sounded to me like a great situation where she would allow all my pets to move in and where we could help her out financially and also to get her property fixed up a bit while there. I moved down a few months before my husband, and immediately started putting long hours and money into fixing up things she wanted fixed up. I cooked every night to show gratitude for being given a place for my pets and I to stay. Well, turns out SURPRISE! House is in foreclosure which we were lied to about, and a rental contract never materialized. My husband was ready to move out then and there, but I kept making excuses for our landlord. Things kept getting worse with more and more entitled behavior. This person started going out of their way to take and wear my clothes and use my phone (now I understand that this was probably a control issue with the phone, and that they were reading my messages, etc), stopped buying groceries and ate all of our food, became angry when we showed happiness or joy, started calling us to meet them at the gas station to buy them gas, etc. Soon it became clear that the person we were renting from was not mentally healthy and had a particular personality disorder in the Cluster B grouping. Behavior became increasingly vindictive, scary, and controlling. After discussions with friends in the psych field and family who have dealt with similar, we slowly moved our possessions into a storage unit, and eventually left the house one day. We left rent money, a brief notice of our moving, and cut off all further contact with this individual. I felt very terrible about it all until I received voice message after voice message and text after text (for months afterwards...up until I lost my phone) that let me know that we were dealing with exactly what we thought we were dealing with and that it was not healthy for us or that person to be in a relationship of that nature. It is not that this person is a "bad" person. What they are is the result of years of parental abuse that caused developmental dysfunction. This person is not capable of viewing others or situations in a rational and complete manner. This person had many great qualities and talents, just as your mother and brother do. This does not negate the fact that they are currently in a place that does not allow for them to make healthy and positive relationships. This is not your responsibility to fix or to live with. They need to find this out for themselves, realize that they want to change, and make steps towards genuine change. Stop expecting that you and your kids will be respected or that your mother, father, and brother will show genuine gratitude. It isn't happening.

    The above situation took my involvement to reach the point it did as well. It was not a healthy situation for us, or for our landlord, just as your situation is not healthy for your own family or for family renting from you. For my part, I do not deal well with conflict and am still largely unable to set firm and healthy boundaries for myself when dealing with others. I also tend to deny any emotions I view as negative (ie. anger) and thus tend to make excuse after excuse for the poor behavior of others. This is something I realize and am actively working on. Had I not had a husband and pets to worry about...I would have stayed in that situation. That is not a good thing. I would encourage you to also work towards the point where it doesn't take worrying about your family to react to unhealthy situations, but rather reach a point where you can recognize and react to them even when just you are involved. Work at setting healthy boundaries, and stop excusing other people for causing harm to those around them. Find a professional you are happy with and work with them to set up a plan for dealing with the immediate situation, and also setting up a plan for your future. By improving yourself and your boundaries, you will be automatically improving life for your family. I don't just mean your children (make no mistake about it, your children are currently in an abusive environment) and your husband, I mean everyone. You, your mom, your dad, your brother, etc. Putting up with behavior like this does not help anyone out in the end.

    PS. Please feel free to PM me. There are state by state laws involving renter and landlord rights and so forth that a good professional will be able to help you with. They should also be able to foresee and prepare you for things that may happen in this situation (ie. like your mother talking with other relatives and having them pressure you, etc).
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2013
    1 person likes this.
  6. jorey

    jorey Songster

    Dec 30, 2012
    north adams
    To put it bluntly, for your childrens happiness in life, either the parents and brother need to leave or you, dh, and kids do. I' ll put up with a lot but don't you dare mess with my child. I then turn into mama bear amd the claws are out. Children come before all else. My mother and I have gotten into huge arguments over the raising of my daughter to the point of not talking for a month or so. She is my child and I will raise her as I see fit. I'm proud to say she is a happy, loving, well adjusted child who gets great grades and graduates this year and will be going on to college in the fall for her emt license then continuing on till
    she recieves her md license. For a single mom I think I've done pretty good raising her. Get those people away from your children. Please for their sake.
    2 people like this.
  7. piglett

    piglett Songster

    Feb 22, 2012
    you made be think of something that happened in my family a few years back
    my aunt & uncle had a house in one state but they ended up moving away for a few years because of my uncles job
    their 2 grown kids were going to end up with the house
    all they had to do was pay the rest of the payments ontime
    one cousin also had her boyfriend there & her 12 year old daughter
    so there were 3 adults living there
    you think they could come up with $800 a month BETWEEN THE 3 OF THEM????
    every month my aunt & uncle had to send them a couple hundred :(

    so my aunt & uncle moved back in & they put the house up for sale at a blow out price
    it sold in 30 days!!! [​IMG]
    they told everyone "we are buying a sailboat & going to the islands alone"
    everyone found new places to hang their hat

    good luck OP

  8. Carols Clucks

    Carols Clucks Songster

    Oct 13, 2010
    If this is not some long time family farmstead that would be sorely missed, I would announce that the house is on the market in 60-days and they all have to find a place to move by then.

    If in 60-days they are not gone, list it and save your children, marriage and self from this situation
    2 people like this.
  9. Chickerdoodle13

    Chickerdoodle13 The truth is out there...

    Mar 5, 2007
    Phoenix, AZ
    I agree totally with carol's clucks! Sell the house and tell them they need to figure out to heir own arrangements. It doesn't sound like a healthy situation for your family at all.

  10. MamaKid

    MamaKid In the Brooder

    Nov 27, 2013
    Thank you all so much. I know what I need to do and you have all reinforced it. I'm just bracing myself for the conversation. I need to get my family back together and there's only one way to do that. Thank you all so much for listening and providing your advise, I appreciate it so much.

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