How to Ask my Parents to move out?!

[Righteous Rstr]

Mom's Folly, I whole heartedly agree with almost all your insight, had it been done a very long
time ago. However there is no way to "unring this bell" she has to boot their sorry arses on the
2 year deadline .My family is in Websters under abusive, I dealt with it or so I thought for 25yrs
tried most of your suggestions with similar results. Finally we put 1200 miles between us and
screened our calls. Case in point I called my mom 3x to try to tell her that I'm still her son and
I still love her,knowing full well she spent T-day alone as always even though her brother and
his family reside next door (exiled) . RR

 

[Cluky]

Sorry this is a long one.

About two years ago my parents were struggling financially. My mother asked us to sell our house and buy theirs so they can still retain some dignity which I was more than happy to do. When we moved into our new home with them I repeatedly advised my father to go into bankruptcy as he was in a huge amount of debt. He consistently refused. 


I struck a verbal agreement with my mother that we would live together for 2 years after which they'd go and rent someplace. Two years time is approaching and my father is only now applying for bankruptcy.

My mother isn't the type of woman to allow me to be a mother & wife to my 2 children and husband. If she doesn't do everything she gets offended. I've tried talking to her but everything I say she takes personally and thinks I'm being evil and full of hate.

There are days when I feel sad and just can't shake it. She constantly yells at my kids and will not allow me to shower them or cook for them, she even tries to wash their clothes before I get home.

My mother has been an immense help in allowing me to work while she looks after my kids as they were growing. But I feel like she sees me as only her daughter and not my children's mother. I've repeatedly tried explaining it to her but she takes it to a level where it turns into an argument.

She doesn't allow my son to speak or enjoy his time when playing, constantly yelling at him to be quiet, and shushing him. I've set times for him to play video games on weekends only and he cannot even enjoy that.

She continuously tries to control my daughters eating habits, at one stage driving her to anorexia before I began screaming and yelling for her to stop talking to my daughter about food. I managed to help my daughter get through it but she's still unstable when it comes to eating and I'm scared she'll revert back to not eating so she has some sense of control over her life. 

My mother continuously points out the flaws of me, my husband & my kids. Continuously as in every, single, day. Throughout the day when I'm at work as well as when I'm home.

I cannot talk to her about it, I don't know how else to make her understand. When I ask her to allow me to be a mother to my children and have faith that she has raised me to know good from bad, wrong from right, she turns my words around and says that all I want is for her to keep her mouth shut and not talk to my kids at all. She twists my words even when I point out what she's doing. For some reason she thinks the worst about every single word that I speak. My family now spends all night separated with earphones on so we have some sort of escape from it all.

My son has lost all confidence because he's continuously told off and not allowed to speak. 

I spoke to my mother and told her that she "won't have to worry about the kids anymore cause" they were gonna move out due to the two years being over. She immediately got defensive and said they can't move out.

My brother moved in earlier this year as well (rent free/grocery & utility free as well). He lost his job and is now embarking on a business venture. He does the same thing to my kids as my mother does in that he always puts them down. I asked him to walk my kids to school. I found out recently that if they don't engage him in conversation and keep him from "falling asleep" he puts his earphones in, ignores them then gives them the silent treatment for the rest of the day. He constantly calls my kids names as does my mother and they get angry at me when I quietly ask them not to do that.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I love my family but it saddens me the way they treat us even after all we did/are doing for them. My mother tells me it's her house. Once, when I gave some trick or treaters candy and she didn't like it, I said it's my house and I'll do what I want. That sparked off the angry face and a tirade of yelling and statements that I have no respect for her.

I really don't know what to do....

. I have two kids too and my parents are controlling. but they never go to this level. you have to protect your children. if I were in your situation where my kids well being and health was at play and in danger I would do everything in my power to get away from situation. get them evicted if you have to. kids come first. sounds like you mom is way past the point of discussions and able to talk how
you feel with your parents and they do not want to listen.

 

[CackedNut]

I was curious about the resolution? Any word?

 

[MamaKid]

I had a discussion and found out they couldn't afford to move out just yet and I can't just kick my parents out on the street. But, thanks to all of your support, I've found the strength to speak up. There's been a couple of very loud "discussions" about the situation with my kids and I'm now able to speak up as something happens rather than be afraid and just bottle it up and let them get away with it. Thank you all so much, God bless you all, you've truly given me the strength and support I needed to rectify the situation. Keeping my mouth shut from fear of offending wasn't the right thing to do I know, but I was scared. And now, again thanks to all of you and your gracious support, I've found my strength and am able to stand up and defend my children without any fear and, to my surprise, with hardly any offense taken. Even during those times when they've been offended I've found that I don't care about their reaction, not that I don't love them because I do, but I just don't dwell on whether I've offended when standing up for my family or myself. I've even found I can put a spin on it and voice my opinions with a smile, they receive my message loud and clear and have started to back off, slowly, but surely.

I've even stopped apologizing!! That was a huge thing for me, I always ended up apologizing but I made it loud and clear that I wasn't going to do that anymore. I also made it known that, after all the harsh words that are said to my family, when I don't apologize, I get the water works and then the role play of victim by my mother. I actually told her the other day that her actions are different to what she was saying while she was crying. I don't know if that sunk in but I felt better for voicing it.

Thank you to all of you, honestly, if I hadn't of spoken up here and no one had replied, I think I was heading towards a nervous breakdown of some sort, You all have honestly helped me more than you'll ever know and I wanted to give a huge heartfelt THANK YOU!! May you all be blessed

 

[CackedNut]

I had a discussion and found out they couldn't afford to move out just yet and I can't just kick my parents out on the street. But, thanks to all of your support, I've found the strength to speak up. There's been a couple of very loud "discussions" about the situation with my kids and I'm now able to speak up as something happens rather than be afraid and just bottle it up and let them get away with it. Thank you all so much, God bless you all, you've truly given me the strength and support I needed to rectify the situation. Keeping my mouth shut from fear of offending wasn't the right thing to do I know, but I was scared. And now, again thanks to all of you and your gracious support, I've found my strength and am able to stand up and defend my children without any fear and, to my surprise, with hardly any offense taken. Even during those times when they've been offended I've found that I don't care about their reaction, not that I don't love them because I do, but I just don't dwell on whether I've offended when standing up for my family or myself. I've even found I can put a spin on it and voice my opinions with a smile, they receive my message loud and clear and have started to back off, slowly, but surely.

I've even stopped apologizing!! That was a huge thing for me, I always ended up apologizing but I made it loud and clear that I wasn't going to do that anymore. I also made it known that, after all the harsh words that are said to my family, when I don't apologize, I get the water works and then the role play of victim by my mother. I actually told her the other day that her actions are different to what she was saying while she was crying. I don't know if that sunk in but I felt better for voicing it.

Thank you to all of you, honestly, if I hadn't of spoken up here and no one had replied, I think I was heading towards a nervous breakdown of some sort, You all have honestly helped me more than you'll ever know and I wanted to give a huge heartfelt THANK YOU!! May you all be blessed

Be proud of yourself. You HAD the strength, you just were doubting yourself. You knew in your heart what you needed to do. May your family have peace.

 

[sourland]

MamaKid - well done!

 

[jorey]

Yea mamakid. You should be proud of yourself.

 

[donrae]

No offense, but if they're not financially recovered in 2 years, they're not going to be. The only way I'd stay in a situation like that would be to have a very detailed, written plan/budget and have my nose in every blessed corner of their finances. Sounds like they just can't afford their current standard of living....well join the rest of the freakin' country! Cut back, down size, eat beans and rice, whatever they need to do. I'd be way more humiliated to be mooching off my kids than I would be to suffer the "indignity" of selling my house.

I'm glad you're making the strides you are, but you still need to have a detailed plan for when this is going to end. Think how happy your family is going to be six months after it's just you, your honey and your kids again.

 

[nayeli]

No offense, but if they're not financially recovered in 2 years, they're not going to be. The only way I'd stay in a situation like that would be to have a very detailed, written plan/budget and have my nose in every blessed corner of their finances. Sounds like they just can't afford their current standard of living....well join the rest of the freakin' country! Cut back, down size, eat beans and rice, whatever they need to do. I'd be way more humiliated to be mooching off my kids than I would be to suffer the "indignity" of selling my house.

I'm glad you're making the strides you are, but you still need to have a detailed plan for when this is going to end. Think how happy your family is going to be six months after it's just you, your honey and your kids again.

I agree completely with donrae. If they aren't financially recovered 2 years later then when will they be? When will they be able to move out? My relationship with my in laws is good and my mom and husband get a long but I'm sure that it is a strain on your marriage to be living with your family! Your husband is supporting them! That isn't fair to him nor your children!

I would give them a definate move out date and "help" them get their finances in order. By that I mean you take control and make sure they are budgeting etc.

 

[chooks4life]

I've been in similar abusive situations, with the standard victim roleplay and passive aggressive abuse, and when I exercised enough control over the situation to at least put them on the right financial path, despite them fighting it all the way, they then only played along and acted nicer in order to "employ" me for longer. These were close family members.

Suffice it to say that the mental illness was so deeply entrenched and well hidden that when I found out the extent of it, I realized I'd never truly known these family members, and had to do a runner for my life. Lost animals though. Horrible situation. Just because you grew up with some people does not mean you're aware of everything they're capable of, whether reducing you and your family to financial ruin to murdering you. I will never be fooled by their "nice" act again, I hope!

From the sounds of it, the way your husband doesn't seem too involved, and the way your mother behaves, and the way your brother just assumes you will carry him financially, and the way your father doesn't seem to be as involved as he should be either.... And then the way you've allowed this to go so far, and mention that you used to "quietly" ask your mother to not abuse your children verbally... It sounds to me like this goes back to your childhood and the roles your family assumed then. I don't usually advocate therapy since I was raised with the whole "keeping it in the family" mantra (as much as I disagree with it), but family therapy, as a whole, may benefit you guys.

It sounds deeply dysfunctional. Did you at any time assume the mother's role, i.e. due to illness or something? How did you end up in this weak, enslaved sort of second-class-citizen role? I think that needs addressing but it sounds like you're addressing it. Anyway I wish you all the best with it.

You can love your folks but you can't always live with them. Living with an abuser is enabling them no matter what your intentions are. I spoke to one guy who was rehabbing himself from being an abuser --- actually I've spoken to a few --- and they all agree, abusers need to be separated from their victims or they can't stop, more or less. From my own experience I think there is a risk that your family is still playing you. But I hope not. It's never too late to find some equilibrium, as impossible as it can seem. Respect may never come, but who knows?

Best wishes.