How to deal with bullying

[EweSheep]

Now why didn't I think of this? Next time I see an arrow come near a human body, I'll just take the bow and snap it in half. I think it's perfectly within my rights to do that.

No, do not destroy the arrow of anyones. It would make a bad impression. My hubby does that with our daughter and she "copied" his behavior by destroying her things and wondered why she can not have a replacement. (both of them have Asperger's and its double trouble at times!)

I agree with Mattema's suggestion, just take the bow and arrow away until they are ready to leave and then give it back to them. Let them know until he knows how to play with it or handle his anger in a different way rather than striking out, he is not to bring the bow and arrow.

I had three neighborhood bullies, chasing my daughter and her friend around the block. They were shooting them with BBs and pellets. She had a few marks and one was near her eye. I told her don't ever play with those boys ever again. She simply didn't understand that their aggressiveness is NOT playing, it is meant to HURT. The two kids were around 12 to 14 years old and one was a little kid, probably one of them were his brothers, riding round his little bicycle. Now why would they want to "terrorize" the neighboorhood girls?! Their parents, as some of my neighbors were saying, are useless. A few times, they came over the yard, to play in the swing set, they wanted to tear it up and terrorizing my chickens. So I told them to leave NOW! or I will call the cops. They left.

Then the next day, my daughter was out biking up and down the sidewalk of my street with her friend who did the same thing. Around the corner, the boys came. I hid in my front door, and they were hell bent chasing them while they were screaming in fear. As soon as I stepped out, give the momma stern look, they stopped dead in their tracks and took off in the opposite direction. The two girls were crying and I told them they either go in our backyard or Hannah's backyard. And I can supervise them riding bikes u p and down the street if they let me know they wanted to go bicycling. From this day forward, I have not seen them because they KNOW I'm there or Hannah's mom would be watching. We have several neighbors watching the kids from their front porches too. Mostly elderly folks.

Then my daughter found another bunch of friends just down the street. They played in the backyards no problem. Then one day my daughter came home and said she was choked by one of them. I told her what happened. She gave me some story but it is unclear what exactly happened and she said that she nearly passed out. Well I didnt want to go over and jump their butts but decided to be calm and told her, ok, you can not go over there and play with them anymore because they can not play nice. Well one day, without letting me know, she took off down there again. I realized that she was not in the house or backyard, I went down to her friends house. I found her there. I told her she left without letting me know and she is grounded for the evening. Well her friends said why does she has to leave and I told one of them that someone choked my daughter. Two kids pointed the finger at the offender and the offender said I did it! and then the Grandmother of the two kids (there were five kids playing), was tired and wanted the kids to leave that does not belong here. Yes maam I will leave. When I got my daughter, the same girl that choked my daughter, was choking her brother!!!!! It was not playing! She was laughing while the poor brother's face took on a brown ashen look and I yelled at her to get off of him. (He was black). Poor kid was coughing but MAD! He was a good three to four years YOUNGER than her. She looks to be about 10. I told my daughter she is NOT to play with them anymore. Bad influence so she can only play with Hannah and Kelly, the two girls I trust with my daughter.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles carefully. And don't overreact until you get all the facts in place. Its hard to be a parent, that's for sure!

 

[chickened]

As a father and husband I would have taken the bow away and marched the boy home and told the parents what happened and not ask the boy whether he did it or not in front of his parents (asking a kid if they did something wrong is a sure way to teach them about lying).

Ultimately you are the parent and despite the idea that a village is needed to raise a kid you must do what you need to to protect your child from harm.

It is not PC but at that age it usually takes a bigger bully to deal effectively with a bully especially when a parent seems to not care.

The rewards of good parenting is how your child acts when you are not there.

I wish there were an easy answer.

 

[Xtina]

I think a big part of me wanted to make him admit to it before I took him to his parents. I seem to recall that being an important part of discipline when I was a kid...doesn't the kid have to be made to fess up? Otherwise, you still are dealing with a belligerent, rebellious spirit. I guess I always thought that the conversation part of getting the kid to admit to doing it was a big part of making them feel the necessary remorse and that it has to be dragged out of them no matter how long it takes. Maybe I've been wrong about that. Also, if you don't get them to admit it, how do you really know you have the perpetrator if you didn't see the incident? It could have all been a fabrication until the perpetrator admits it, right?

In the end, his mom did get him to admit to it. I just wasn't there (nor did I care to be - that would have slowed the process down). And I couldn't march him anywhere because he was high up in a tree. Also, he is rebellious and bad. Had I laid a hand on him, it would have come to blows. I may feel confident to physically guide other kids when they need to be taken somewhere, but not this one. He is immature and thinks he can get away by running, screaming, thrashing, crying, hitting, kicking, etc. Whatever he has to do to get away, he will, not realizing he's only making it worse for himself. So I almost never touch him - unless he's fully within my reach and I have to restrain him to get him to listen to me. I suppose I'd also do it to stop him from hurting someone, although it's never come to that in front of me.

This kid shows no remorse, ever. Only a hateful spirit. And the more I think about it today, the more I think I can't let my kid play over there for the most part. I've had this same thought pattern before and come to the same conclusion, but it's tough to stick to since we're so close with his parents. But I can't have my kid's self-esteem being torn down by forcing him to socialize with someone who obviously hates him. Is it just me, or is a kid who says "Get out of here or I will kill you" outside of the bounds of normal and acceptable kid behavior?

 

[Xtina]

It is not PC but at that age it usually takes a bigger bully to deal effectively with a bully especially when a parent seems to not care.

That is totally true about this kid. His mom has said as much before. We were talking about bullying; I guess she has been studying up on it and what causes it. She was saying that she read that it's sometimes a myth that the bully has bad self-esteem himself. She read that sometimes the bully has great self esteem and just is exercising his own power and seeing what he's capable of and what he can get away with. That definitely seems to be true about this kid. Thinks he's the king of the jungle, and that he can overpower everyone, which is absolutely true.

She then said that she read that if a kid just stands up to the bully and shows that he can't be messed with, the bully backs down and normal equitable play can occur. But I think that while it's true, it's BS to use that as part of your parenting method when you have a bullying kid. That mindset puts the responsibility on the victim instead of the abuser, which is totally reprehensible to me. Maybe it's one thing if you're talking about two 8 year old boys and one needs to just stand up to the other. But not if you're talking about a 2 year old being victimized by a nearly 6 year old. It's unacceptable to put the burden of dealing with a bully on the 2 year old...and the 2 year old's mother. Having me correct the situation only exacerbates this kid's desire to pick on my kid. There's nothing I can do about an immediate problem that won't create bigger problems in the future.

 

[redhen]

The no remorse is a biiiig issue. She needs to watch that kid closely..

 

[EweSheep]

Yep, either the kid has Asperger's or some psychological going on.

 

[hemet dennis]

I remember before they had the big names for everything we would just say some kids were brats.

 

[jamesbwood]

Now why didn't I think of this? Next time I see an arrow come near a human body, I'll just take the bow and snap it in half. I think it's perfectly within my rights to do that.


I'm fine with this solution. I strongly suspect that this problem is not limited to your son - breaking his bow will embaress him in front of all the other kids as well as send a strong message. What is that phrase that means parents/bosses/etc are said to be encouraging a bad behavior by ommision of cracking down on it? You probaly should talk to the brats parents first and let them know what is going on and see if they care or give you permission to disciplin thier son. If they don't, I'd avoid them completely.

Also, I've seen the damage that helicopter parents can do. You are no where near being one! You son is only 2!!! If he were 13, it would be a little different - but not much different.

Finally, I think you should both talk with the other parents and maybe enlist the help of any teenagers or tweens.

This situation is simply unacceptable.

 

[Xtina]

I remember before they had the big names for everything we would just say some kids were brats.

You said it!

Thanks everyone for your advice. Today I had dinner with the first family that had to stop being friends with the brat's parents because of this behavior and she totally understood (of course) where I'm coming from. I'm feeling better about my decisions and worse about what this means for the neighborhood. Another nail in the coffin of me wanting to live in Oregon any longer. All I really have left that I love is my street, and if I don't have that then I don't have anything. But my husband loves it here, so here we stay. Anyway, we have other good friends that are good for my son to be around.

 

[they'reHISchickens]

Sounds like this bully's mom feels helpless in finding a way to remedy her son's behavior. Do the parents discipline at ALL? Perhaps their discipline needs to go up a notch or two.. or three. If they are truly concerned about his behavior, they need to find a way to stop it now... before he gets any older or bigger.
When one of mine were causing problems, I would "make a project" of him/her. I would be on the child's every movement for days and they hated it. They could not get away with anything because I watched that one constantly. After a time or two, just the threat of being made a project would straighten out unwanted behavior. It may just be that the parents need to focus on the boy ( unobtrusively--be sneaky about it) for a few days and let him know he is NOT getting away with being a bully.
Dr. Rosamond recommends an early bedtime to correct misbehavior and it would be worth a try: total removal from 'fun'. Of course, this means a parent has to remain behind to enforce the early bedtime. A lot of parents won't give up 'their' time to correct a child. Sorry, it's part of the parenting job-- just as you watching your 2 yr old is your job even though it means you cannot socialize as you want. Your time will come again, but right now you have to give it up to watch your boy. Perhaps everyone inthe neighborhood has to give up some socializing to watch the kids.?