How to deal with...

[jbowyer01]

My older sister does this to me. The only answer I found was to seperate myself from her. I do not go to family functions that she will be at, and I do not discuss the issue with others (family members). If they bring it up I state plain and simple that I choose not to ruin the affair for me and others by being near her negativity. It does hurt not to be able to go to these functions but I figure its better than causing a scene at the function and ending up hurting more than feelings IYKWIM.

 

[horsejody]

Just smile sweetly and say, "Put on your big girl (or boy) panties and get over it."

Honestly, if this is a person you have to associate with (such as a family member), just be blunt the next time it comes up. Don't be emotional, because that is what they feed on. Tell them the topic is closed, and you will not be part of the discussion. Then calmly walk away. Trolls hate that. They will have to find their drama somewhere else.

Possibly, somewhere in the past they think you hurt them. Maybe you did. Maybe you didn't. Maybe it's a big hurt. Maybe it's not. Maybe they think you should be punished. Maybe this is how they think they will accomplish that. If you have made peace with yourself and moved on, it's their problem now.

Maybe you didn't hurt them at all. Maybe you just embarrassed yourself and made bad choices. There are trolls in this world that always put others down because it gives them the illusion of being superior. Those people should just be ignored. Yes, you can ignore them even if they are family, and even if they are in the same room.

 

[PortageGirl]

Well, I can think of only two reasons to have anything whatsoever to do with this person... they are actual family members, or this is happening at work. Anything else, avoid, block, distance is what you need to do. It sounds like you've made your amends and you can move on.

If it's family or work, well, if time hasn't worked its magic, and the person can't let it go, try this. Next time they criticize, (even passive aggressivly) turn to them, and ask very sincerely, "Do you have some suggestions for how I can improve my _____ ?" (whatever they tried to make a thing out of.)

You really have to prepare yourself to do this as sincerely as possible and say it calmly and politly, I'm terrible at it but I had a person in authority at work start some stuff with me, and I really had to school the sarcasm out of my voice to do it right. It took the subject from passive/agressive, to them being put on the spot of having to offer actual constructive info... which that sort of person really rarely wants to do.

Once they answer, (assuming they don't flounce off, which is entirely possible) look thoughtful and nod sagely and say something like, "That sounds really helpful, thank you." and turn back to what you were doing. NOT PROMISING TO TRY IT OR DO IT MIND YOU!! that's going too far! LOL Anyway, now you are thougtful and they look more like a jerk.

If they give a smart alek response, you can still 'look thoughtful' and shrug, nod and then ignore.

I have an aunt who I cannot avoid, esp since she raised some great kids (my cousins who I love), and I've reallllllly learn to bite my tongue, no matter how she criticizes me and my brother. It's VERY hard, but I won't avoid that whole generation because of her... they're disappearing fast in my family.

I've learned to smile and say "Oh really?" and very vague, slightly humerous things, she rarely picks up on my 'overly tolerant' tone that others recognize as patronizing, but it does give me satisfaction to do it. So with family, I go the more patronizing route for my own satisfaction I guess. She actually seems to be happy that she 'won' the conversation... some people are just like that. She's an extreme case though.

Not sure this helps you, it's just my way(s). Mostly I avoid others if possible, cause life is too short.

 

[debilorrah]

I would just tell them that if they can't forgive you to please keep it to themselves.