How To Kill A SNAKE...Military-Style! (A FUNNY)

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by speckledhen, Sep 12, 2007.

  1. speckledhen

    speckledhen Intentional Solitude Premium Member

    HOW TO KILL A SNAKE


    The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering
    a snake in the Area of Operations (AO).

    (ORSA model developed on contract)

    INFANTRY: Snake smells them, leaves area.

    AIRBORNE: Lands on and kills the snake.

    ARMOR: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

    AVIATION: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
    Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and
    manicure.

    RANGER: Plays with snake, then eats it.

    FIELD ARTILLERY: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
    with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
    hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
    considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
    and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

    SPECIAL FORCES: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
    Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
    building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains
    it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon
    return.

    COMBAT ENGINEER: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
    thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake
    using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces
    don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake
    ops.

    NAVY SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
    support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
    retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
    kill Muslim extremist snakes.

    NAVY: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
    kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
    Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
    anti-snake force projection.

    MARINE: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
    civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

    MARINE RECON: Follows snake, gets lost.

    COMBAT CONTROLLERS: Guides snake elsewhere.

    PARA-RESCUE JUMPER: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
    feverishly to save snake's life.

    SUPPLY: (Notice: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

    TRANSPORT PILOT: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers
    two weeks after due date.

    F-15 PILOT: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter
    and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on
    aircraft.

    F-16 PILOT: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and
    misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of
    snake due to weather (too hot also too cold, was clear but too
    overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud
    cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar,
    high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to
    kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

    AH-64 APACHE PILOT: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well
    on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power
    lines or SAM's.

    UH-60 BLACKHAWK PILOT: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake
    builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone.
    Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

    B-52 PILOT: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
    other living thing within two miles of target.

    MISSILE CREW: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds,
    but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to
    use nuclear weapons.

    INTELLIGENCE OFFICER: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
    indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the
    potential for snake activity as LOW.

    JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing
    grounds of professional courtesy.

    FIELD PSYCHIATRIST: Assume the snake is dead.... How do you
    feel about that?
     
  2. firechicken

    firechicken Chillin' With My Peeps

    321
    0
    139
    Jul 11, 2007
    Covington, GA
    BWAAHAHAHA!!!![​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    That was way better then my joke!

    I love it!
     
  3. speckledhen

    speckledhen Intentional Solitude Premium Member

    As a woman who spent over 20 years as a military wife, now USAF Retired, I rather enjoyed it myself, LOL. And, what is funnier is that there is some truth in there! Scary!
     
  4. wegotchickens

    wegotchickens DownSouth D'Uccles & Silkies

    12,151
    25
    311
    Jul 5, 2007
    Sevier County, TN
    Too funny!!! [​IMG]

    Hubby was in Army Supply...
     
  5. homecatmom

    homecatmom Chillin' With My Peeps

    NAVY: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
    kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
    Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
    anti-snake force projection.


    This Navy family liked it!!
     
  6. 2mnypets

    2mnypets Chillin' With My Peeps

    1,010
    24
    193
    Apr 11, 2007
    Galesburg, IL.
    OMG....I laughed at this one. Hubby and I both Army Veterans and I have to say there is some serious truths to all that. The excuses are hillarious! I love it. Edited because I can't seem to spell correctly today. I think all those late nights with the kitty is clouding my mind.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2007
  7. TxChiknRanchers

    TxChiknRanchers Chillin' With My Peeps

    990
    4
    151
    Aug 18, 2007
    Southeast Texas
    MARINE RECON: Follows snake, gets lost.


    OK I resemble that remark! [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2007
  8. bayouchica

    bayouchica Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 23, 2007
    N.E. Louisiana
    [​IMG]
     
  9. Southern28Chick

    Southern28Chick Flew The Coop

    Apr 16, 2007
    MARINE: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

    I better not show this to DH.​
     
  10. speckledhen

    speckledhen Intentional Solitude Premium Member

    Hey, we're retired Air Force. Before that, my DH was in the Air National Guard and before that, as a kid, Civil Air Patrol. My biological dad was a Marine, my adopted dad was in the Navy, DH's dad was in the Air Force and my adoptive MOTHER was a Marine. I think it's hilarious!
     

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by