How to simulate shipboard life at home!

circa 1980...


1. When commencing this simulation, remember you must lock all friends and family outside and take the phone off the hook. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks and discarded one out of every five.

2. Surround yourself with 5,000 people you don't like, people who don't shower frequently (and wear obnoxious aftershave to cover the odors), flatulate loudly, fragrantly and often, snore like a loaded Mack truck going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

3. Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself completely off from the outside world, but have a neighbor bring you a Time or Newsweek magazine from two months ago (ensuring there are holes cut in some of the pages to eliminate the interesting parts of the most important stories).

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (i.e.: plugged in, light comes on when door is open, etc.). If appliances are not used recently, cover them with red tags that read "DANGER".

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 100 people using the same commode. After that, flush once daily.

6. Lock the bathroom door twice a day for a four hour period.

7. Wear only military uniforms, even though nobody cares. Once a week clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes, after which you can change back into your regular uniform.

8. Cut your hair once a week, making it shorter each time, until you are bald or look like you tangled with a demented sheep shearer.

9. Work in 18 hour cycles, sleeping only for four hours at a time to ensure that your body no longer knows (or cares) if it is day or night.

10. Listen to your favorite cassette six times a day for two weeks. Then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite cassette.

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position (ten inches is about right...), then place it on a platform so that it's about four feet off of the floor. Place a dead skunk under the bed to simulate your ship mate's socks.

12. Get your alarm clock to go off at the snooze interval for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times watchstanders, 1MC announcements, and compartment cleaners bumping around, and waking you up at odd intervals. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure that you are tossed around for the remaining three hours. Alternately use a custom alarm clock that simulates fire alarms, police sirens and a new wave rock band.

13. Have week old fruits and vegetables delivered to your garage, and then wait two weeks before you eat them.

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded, using all of the spices you can grope for (or none at all) to simulate shipboard food. Remove the blindfold and eat as fast as you possibly can.

15. Periodically, shut off the power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "FIRE IN THE MAIN SPACES!!!" several times. Do this until you lose your voice, then restore power.

16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow into the bathroom to simulate a "CHT Boo Boo" (the equivalent of flushing the entire septic tank into your basement).

17. Buy a World War I gas mask, smear it with rancid animal fat and scrub the face plate with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear the mask for two hours every fifth day, even in the bathroom.

18. Study the owners manual for all household appliances. At regular intervals, take one apart and put it back together again, just for the hell of it.

19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations from your living spaces. Paint all furnishings gray, and the walls a shade of green similar to a hospital smock.

20. Purchase 50 cases of rolled cardboard (ersatz toilet paper...) and lock up all but two rolls. Make sure one of the rolls is always wet.

21. Every two days, smash your forehead and shins with a hammer to simulate the collision injuries typical onboard a Navy vessel.

22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for five or six days, or until it is hard and stale, whichever comes first. Dip all lunchmeat in green food coloring.

23. Every ten weeks, simulate liberty in a foreign port. Dress in your best clothes and immediately go to your city's worst slum. Find the worst looking bar you can find and ask the bartender for the most expensive imported beer that he carries. Drink as many as you possibly can in four hours, then hire a cab driver to take you home using the longest route he can find. Tip the cabby after he charges you double for the fare because you dress funny and don't speak right.

24. You may only have fresh milk for the first four days after leaving a liberty port.

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat set at 39 degrees and use only one blanket.

26. Ensure that the hot water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a rate varying between 0 and 2 PSI, and a temperature that fluctuates randomly between 33 and 390 degrees.

27. When eating with a spoon, be sure it is of the type that holds a minimum of 1/4 cup at a time.

28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

This guide was designed for those who would like to, but have not the chance to enjoy an extended period at sea.

Good Luck, and Happy Sailing!!