How would you take this?

[Cindiloohoo]

My 12 yr old DSD has been on again off again "friends" with my best friends 12 yr old daughter. We have never pushed the friendship on either of them. My friend has had to put her kids back in public school this year. My DSD has not had a lot to do with this kid for a while until she went back to public school. NOW she wants to be her friend. I am close to the kid, and she told me yesterday DSD has been having her pass notes back and forth to a girl she used to be friends with, which is fine, she's a good little girl. The potential problem is she is only friends with best friends 12 year old when she wants something from her. Does anyone else see this as a potential issue or am I just crazy? Should I say anything to DSD about using people or would that be out of line?

 

[Woods_Woman]

I think it might be out of line, and could cause some friction. Kids are Kids, and sometimes you just have to let them work things out for themselves. Continue to monitor the situation to see how it pans out, girls are notorious for this behavior.

 

[fordmommy]

You could gentally mention something. But at this age, they really are just testing the waters on friendships. One girl might say, I like so and so today and tomorrow......Oh, I hate her. She talked to so ans so and now were not friends.

Whatever YOU choose to do, don't ever tell them that they CAN"T be friends. Never choose friends for your kids. It only causes fighting between the parents and the kids.

 

[Cindiloohoo]

Quote:
THIS is why we have never pushed the friendship. I just hate watching her buddy up to a kid she has said over and over that she "can't stand"...just to get what she wants from her. Not to mention I AM GOING TO BE CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE when the kid realizes it and gets her feelings hurt! It's a no win in my opinion. Oh and this is not the first time this has happened or I would not be so leery!

 

[La Mike]

My niece is thirteen and friends with one of my friends thirteen year old girl.
They are best of friends one day and hate each other the next .
I have talked to her about and i am one to believe you can have an intelegent conversation with most kids.
Imo I believe all that is just what little girls do.
They wouldnt let anything serious happen between them .
I have seen that as soon as one has something going on the other is right in the middle of it.
I would talk to her and just let her know friends are friends but its not nice to use anyone

 

[Whispering Winds]

Quote:
Boy Howdy, but I think little boys can be mean too!! My 9 year old comes home and tells me how certain boys tells him who he can and cannot be friends with, and that just makes me so mad because I want my boy to be nice to everyone. You may not have to be best buds, but you can be friendly and kind. Parents don't teach their kids to be nice anymore, it seems. Or, some parents think they are just a little bit better than the average bear, and their kids catch onto that real quick. I had a cousin like that, and it was always something she would do or say that was mean.

 

[cat]

JMHO,

If you really think that is the reason she is being friendly to your friend's child then I would consider either putting her back into regular school or inviting the child she wants to spend time with over for a visit. That way she can have a real friendship with the other child and not one by proxy, where the poor go-between kid gets her feelings hurt (and possibly your friend gets her feelings hurt too if her DD works out she is being used and comes home crying.)

My guess is your friend's child will soon be too caught up in the excitement and drama of school life to want to keep acting as a go between. In my experience these things sort themselves out pretty quick.

best of luck

 

[Cindiloohoo]

Quote:
Confession: I sat DSD down last night and told her that she could have the girls come over anytime, but that she should not use one to get to the other IF that was what she was doing. No hurt feelings, she just said okay, and that was that. Honestly, I KNEW it was a touchy subject before I spoke to her, and wanted to get opinions of other moms and how they would handle it. I think it went rather well myself, DSD knew what I meant and left it at that. She actually wants BOTH of them to stay sometime...which is what I was hoping for

They have BOTH matured a lot, and i want DSD to have more friends over. I can't put her back in P.S. due to her diet. If I could...I SO WOULD

She NEEDS the social aspect!

DH is mad at me for asking her about it. Mad to the point of not speaking to me. Mad to the point of it was mean of me to think a girl of 12 could have such intentions. I just really wanted to make sure I was right about 12 year old girls...lol! Preventing a fight is better than referreeing IMO. DH just doesn't 'get it' when it comes to these kids. He questions my judgement a LOT. Then it makes me question my own judgement, so rather than wonder, I asked you all. I just wanted unbiased opinions about ways to handle this. Thanks all!!

 

[cat]

Quote:
Confession: I sat DSD down last night and told her that she could have the girls come over anytime, but that she should not use one to get to the other IF that was what she was doing. No hurt feelings, she just said okay, and that was that. Honestly, I KNEW it was a touchy subject before I spoke to her, and wanted to get opinions of other moms and how they would handle it. I think it went rather well myself, DSD knew what I meant and left it at that. She actually wants BOTH of them to stay sometime...which is what I was hoping for

They have BOTH matured a lot, and i want DSD to have more friends over. I can't put her back in P.S. due to her diet. If I could...I SO WOULD

She NEEDS the social aspect!

DH is mad at me for asking her about it. Mad to the point of not speaking to me. Mad to the point of it was mean of me to think a girl of 12 could have such intentions. I just really wanted to make sure I was right about 12 year old girls...lol! Preventing a fight is better than referreeing IMO. DH just doesn't 'get it' when it comes to these kids. He questions my judgement a LOT. Then it makes me question my own judgement, so rather than wonder, I asked you all. I just wanted unbiased opinions about ways to handle this. Thanks all!!

What your DH doesn't understand is that while boys social skills don't develop till they are about 60, girls are born with an advanced honours degree. Girls are far more manipulative and cunning than any man ever wants to believe, and all dads think their DDs are princesses. It's probably good they don't catch on to just how good we are socially or they just might start to question how we usually end up getting our own way!

On a more serious note, you are her mum, (unless you are completely off the rails) you can and should have the support of your DH in how you deal with your children.

I raised a whole bunch of girls, the youngest is 21 next week. They all went through the mean girl stage and they all had times when they cried because girls were mean to them - they lived.