- Dec 16, 2008
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If I may -- your husband sounds like he's depressed. Men show depression in different ways than women. If he's just been laid off, it's easy to see how he might be depressed.
http://www.upliftprogram.com/facts_depression_men.html
Symptoms in men
Symptoms in women
M: Blames others
W: Tendency to self-blame
M: Anger, irritability, ego inflation
W: Feels sad, apathetic, worthless
M: Feels suspicious, guarded
W: Feels anxious, frightened
M: Creates conflict
W: Avoids conflict
M: Restlessness and agitation
W: Slows down, nervousness
M: Compulsiveness
W: Procrastination
M: Sleeps too little
W: Sleeps to much
M: Becomes controlling
W: Difficulty maintaining boundaries
M: Shame (eg. sex performance)
W: Guilt
M: Fear of failure
W: Problems with success
M: Becomes over status-conscious
W: Assumes low status
M: Self-medicates through alcohol
W: Self-medicates through food
M: Over use of internet/TV/email
W: Withdrawal
Clinical depression may need chemical or other treatment, but situational depression (such as being laid off) is appropriate and natural (EG: bereavement, 'the blues', star-crossed lovers), and pills will only mask it and maybe make it last longer. Sometimes, there are things you can do to shorten the spell. Focusing on the positive really helps, as does helping him see that useful chores are useful chores and encouraging feelings of self-sufficiency and pointing out how far they've come.
And YES, I've been through this with a man myself.
If it were me, I'd say "Honey, I know you really wanted that big ol burger. But I really didn't see how we could have everything you wanted AND eat all week. So I bought the things to make what you wanted, well, most of them, and I need your help to make sure it tastes okay. Can you find the time to help me? Because I would really appreciate that. I want to make you happy, within the bounds of reality... and to do that, I want to cook with you, do chores with you, snuggle with you, and (insert favorite bedroom game here)."
Now, please realize that "cook with you" may just mean giving him a taste of the chili until he decides if it needs more pepper. Or letting him peel the garlic. It all helps. He's got a bunch of weird chores on his plate and he's trying to cheer himself up. If he can't blame himself -- and he won't -- he'll blame you. If he's self-aware enough, you can point this behaviour out to him as a sign of depression and maybe he'll stop. More likely it'll just make him mad, though. Nobody likes to have their covers pulled. Be careful. At least if you can see his depression, you can make it easier on him... and yourself!
Cheap dinners:
Pork Shoulder goes for as low as 69 cents a pound. Get a LOT. Chunk it up, taking off the big hunks of fat, and brown in slowly in an uncrowded pan, in batches. Then glug in some water or chicken broth if you have some around, scrape up the delicious brown bits, and fling the browned meat back in. The liquid should be half as high as the pork in the pan. Maybe a little more. Whatever you're comfortable with. Add chopped onion, a LOT of garlic, some salt and pepper, and at least three bay leaves. Leave it in the oven at 350 for at least an hour. When it's wonderfully soft and braised, pull it out and let it cool. Pick through the pork, pulling the fat and membranes off.
FROM THERE:
PORK AND PEAS: Make a roux of butter and flour. Deglaze with some of the liquid from the pork. Add S&P, a touch of yellow mustard, and maybe a little port or other wine. Add frozen peas and serve over pasta with chunks of pork.
CARNITAS: Fling some cumin and chili powder into a pot and bring to medium until there's tiny delicious wisps of smoke coming up. Dump in some liquid from the pork and real chilis -- I use Anaheims because I'm a wuss -- and let it cook down to a thick sauce. Toss it over some pork chunks and broil in the oven until you're almost sure it's burnt. OH the brown crunchy bits are sooooo good! Serve on burritos with whatever sides you like or have in the fridge, or serve over salad as "taco salad". Whatever's on sale.
SOUP: Sautee some onions and garlic, glug in some broth and pork liquid, and add whatever veggies you have around or are on sale. When they're done, chuck the pork back in. Honestly, I LOVE black-eyed-peas, tomatoes (fresh or canned), parsnips, and Kale. Stretch this soup with potatoes and rice, yummy!
LEFTOVER PORK: when you're sick of pork for the week, dump the remaining pork chunks and whatever liquid you have left into a freezer bag and wait a week or three. The hard work's already been done, and handy pork chunks will sound quite good again very soon.
http://www.upliftprogram.com/facts_depression_men.html
Symptoms in men
Symptoms in women
M: Blames others
W: Tendency to self-blame
M: Anger, irritability, ego inflation
W: Feels sad, apathetic, worthless
M: Feels suspicious, guarded
W: Feels anxious, frightened
M: Creates conflict
W: Avoids conflict
M: Restlessness and agitation
W: Slows down, nervousness
M: Compulsiveness
W: Procrastination
M: Sleeps too little
W: Sleeps to much
M: Becomes controlling
W: Difficulty maintaining boundaries
M: Shame (eg. sex performance)
W: Guilt
M: Fear of failure
W: Problems with success
M: Becomes over status-conscious
W: Assumes low status
M: Self-medicates through alcohol
W: Self-medicates through food
M: Over use of internet/TV/email
W: Withdrawal
Clinical depression may need chemical or other treatment, but situational depression (such as being laid off) is appropriate and natural (EG: bereavement, 'the blues', star-crossed lovers), and pills will only mask it and maybe make it last longer. Sometimes, there are things you can do to shorten the spell. Focusing on the positive really helps, as does helping him see that useful chores are useful chores and encouraging feelings of self-sufficiency and pointing out how far they've come.
And YES, I've been through this with a man myself.
If it were me, I'd say "Honey, I know you really wanted that big ol burger. But I really didn't see how we could have everything you wanted AND eat all week. So I bought the things to make what you wanted, well, most of them, and I need your help to make sure it tastes okay. Can you find the time to help me? Because I would really appreciate that. I want to make you happy, within the bounds of reality... and to do that, I want to cook with you, do chores with you, snuggle with you, and (insert favorite bedroom game here)."
Now, please realize that "cook with you" may just mean giving him a taste of the chili until he decides if it needs more pepper. Or letting him peel the garlic. It all helps. He's got a bunch of weird chores on his plate and he's trying to cheer himself up. If he can't blame himself -- and he won't -- he'll blame you. If he's self-aware enough, you can point this behaviour out to him as a sign of depression and maybe he'll stop. More likely it'll just make him mad, though. Nobody likes to have their covers pulled. Be careful. At least if you can see his depression, you can make it easier on him... and yourself!
Cheap dinners:
Pork Shoulder goes for as low as 69 cents a pound. Get a LOT. Chunk it up, taking off the big hunks of fat, and brown in slowly in an uncrowded pan, in batches. Then glug in some water or chicken broth if you have some around, scrape up the delicious brown bits, and fling the browned meat back in. The liquid should be half as high as the pork in the pan. Maybe a little more. Whatever you're comfortable with. Add chopped onion, a LOT of garlic, some salt and pepper, and at least three bay leaves. Leave it in the oven at 350 for at least an hour. When it's wonderfully soft and braised, pull it out and let it cool. Pick through the pork, pulling the fat and membranes off.
FROM THERE:
PORK AND PEAS: Make a roux of butter and flour. Deglaze with some of the liquid from the pork. Add S&P, a touch of yellow mustard, and maybe a little port or other wine. Add frozen peas and serve over pasta with chunks of pork.
CARNITAS: Fling some cumin and chili powder into a pot and bring to medium until there's tiny delicious wisps of smoke coming up. Dump in some liquid from the pork and real chilis -- I use Anaheims because I'm a wuss -- and let it cook down to a thick sauce. Toss it over some pork chunks and broil in the oven until you're almost sure it's burnt. OH the brown crunchy bits are sooooo good! Serve on burritos with whatever sides you like or have in the fridge, or serve over salad as "taco salad". Whatever's on sale.
SOUP: Sautee some onions and garlic, glug in some broth and pork liquid, and add whatever veggies you have around or are on sale. When they're done, chuck the pork back in. Honestly, I LOVE black-eyed-peas, tomatoes (fresh or canned), parsnips, and Kale. Stretch this soup with potatoes and rice, yummy!
LEFTOVER PORK: when you're sick of pork for the week, dump the remaining pork chunks and whatever liquid you have left into a freezer bag and wait a week or three. The hard work's already been done, and handy pork chunks will sound quite good again very soon.
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