Husband just died

[michickenwrangler]

Quote:
Despite what you may think, I'm not a nominee for the worst mother in the world. My daughter has a warm, well-maintained home, plenty of good food to eat, clothes to wear, toys to play with, books to read, videos to watch, a dog to play with, a pony to ride, I make sure she stays clean and practices good hygiene. I'm not foisting her on baby-sitters at any given moment, she accompanies me on my errands. The few dates I have been on have been in the mornings when this guy gets done with his night job and DD is in school, other than the one time he brought his daughter out to the barn. DD keeps hoping he'll bring her over so she can play with his daughter again. More often than not when I arrange for DD to get together with a friend, they come over here because we have the "cool house with the chickens and the woods and the swing set!"

DD does help me in the garden and helps me with the chickens and with other chores.

Heck, I didn't bond with my own mother until after I had a child of my own. I still managed to grow up and live a productive if not entirely happy life.

 

[hikerchick]

I have always been a sappy emotional,touchy feely mom, so I guess this type of situation is very hard for me to understand. I have always felt that nothing compared to the love of a child. NO man could ever come close. My daughter and I have always been close, always cuddled, always talked about everything with each other ( with the exception of maybe ages 13-17). She still comes to me whenever she needs to talk, and she is an adult. It is clear that you provide very well for your daughter's physical needs but someone needs to provide for her emotional needs, don't you think? Or do you really feel that is unimportant? I guess there are different ways for everyone. Good luck to both of you.

 

[babylady4]

The word missing from your last statement that bothers me the most is love. You can have all the crap in the world and it means absoultely nothing if you are not loved. We humans NEED that emotional bond to survive and thrive....... and from your statement it was missing in your upbringing as well.

Parenting is NOT instinctual; you screw up a LOT! Do not let anybody fool you into thinking otherwise. Kids are messy, annoying, LOUD, and into everything...... but they can also be the very BEST thing that has ever happened to you.

I believe you need to get your DD into counseling as well; this absence of grieving is bothering me. She is hurting and needs to get it out of her system so she can move on as well.

I really do not know which one of you I feel worse about.... this whole situation is just too heartbreaking. I hope you are able to resolve some of these issues by visiting professionals. Please make every attempt to get to know your daughter; she needs you and believe it or not you need her too.

 

[dianaross77]

Shame on the lot of you who feel the need to judge so harshly. The fact that the OP can say that she is struggling as a mother just proves that she's a better mother than she thinks she is. Maybe the reason that the two of you aren't close was because you never felt that she needed you. She had her dad. You're not the only one who had an unplanned pregnancy and struggled with the idea of being saddled with the responsibility of a child. I've been there. I spent my entire first pregnancy feeling guilty that I didn't want it. The truth was that I was afraid. I was so afraid I wouldn't be a good mom. My marriage was rocky. I had a tough childhood and was afraid I couldn't do any better than my mom had done. Don't be afraid to try. If there was ever a time for her to need you, it's now. Your husband had her for 6 years and now it's your turn. You can do it. You do love her and she loves you. Not being able to relate to someone doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Let your grief be your bond. No one else is missing him more than she is. You can miss him together.

Now, as for the "man" situation. I understand how lonely you must feel. You were lonely before Wayne died. The difference is now you're allowed to do something about it. Don't feel guilty for wanting to. You're still a woman. My only advice would be this, keep your relationship separate from your home life. You're allowed to have a life, to have friends, time away from your daughter. But let it just be yours. Don't get stuck with someone and his kids and all the complication that comes with that. Don't let your daughter develop a relationship with a man that might not stick around. Another loss like that would devastate her. Just keep it casual. Don't chase him around. Let him pursue you, then you'll be sure he's interested. Sure, the practical thing would be to slow down like everyone said. But you're not everyone, you're you. They can't possibly imagine how you feel. Even other widows can't. Everyone is different, every relationship is different. But someone will find you.

Time does NOT heal all wounds. I wish people wouldn't say that. It makes it sound as if, if you just wait a while you'll be over it and free and clear. Your grief will always be with you. It will come in waves. But in time, your grief becomes a part of you. You'll learn to accept it. There will always be triggers for your grief. In time, they will become less frequent. The pain won't always be so fresh.

I lost my dad when I was 8. I will be 34 this year. It still hurts. Not every day, not even every year. For me it was graduating from high school, the day my sister got married, the day I gave birth to my first child and it really sank in that my children would never know my father. My grief is like an ugly scar. I can hide it most of the time but every once in a while I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror and feel a little sick. Then I cover it back up and go on. And most of the time I can forget it's even there.

 

[redhen]

Yes, SHAME on them....Wow..


OP.... I KNOW you are a strong enough woman to ignore the negative Noras's on this thread.

Anyways.... MY advice? Go slow.... be FRIENDS with this guy first....
Go slooowwww.... if its meant to be...it WILL happen...

 

[booker81]

Huge, huge hugs to you girl!!!!!

All I can say is do your best with what you got, each and every day.

I've rewritten this post a few times, but it's not coming out right. All I can say is 1) Most of us grew up with mothers who DEFINITELY would not make mother of the year, and most of us turned out well. 2) You've had your horse for 13 years, a child for 6 years. In 40 years, you'll have a horse that's long gone that you've had for maybe 25-30 years, and a daughter who you've had for 46 years and going.

I might get flamed for this, but I completely understand horses make better "people." The problem is they are gone too darned soon. I'd give anything to have our old stallion around again for the support he gave me through hard times, but I can't bring him back, no matter what. I have to shift that need to a human who might be along with me for years, and part of raising kids is the help they give back when they're older. It's been 30 years since my folks had me, and now I'm paying it back to them in the form of help when they need it.

There's no right answer or solution to anything, other than time and trying. You're a good person, and I think you and your daughter will make it through. Good luck with your counselor meeting.

Hugs!

 

[greeneggsandham]

I did not see in any of the posts that the OP said she does not love her daughter. So she isn't bonded with her, that doesn't mean she doesn't love her those are two different things. I didn't "bond" with my daughter until she was 10, but I still loved her.

Her daughther is 6 how many 6 years olds do you all know that understand what death and grief is and know how to mourn? I don't know to many.

 

[hikerchick]

I think a 6 year old is going to feel grief when she loses her parent.

And I was bonded to my child the minute I found out I was pregant- even though I had known my cat longer.

I guess I am just weird.

 

[HorseFeatherz NV]

Children, just like adults, all experience grief different.


I was 13 when the man who was my "dad", who had been the man in my life the most - died. It took a year before I felt grief - yes I was sad that he was gone, but I did not start the grief process for a full year.


My brother who is younger, I do not know if he ever went thru it.


My sister who was close in age at the time to the OP's daughter - NEVER went thru grief like my mother or myself did. Yes, she misses her father and what "could have been" - but her grief was and is different.



michickenwrangler -

You are a good mother. I do not care if you "feel bonded" to your child or not - you love her and care for her. I understand your relationship with your horse 210%.

 

[chickflick]

Everyone handles grief in their own way. Only MW knows how she feels. She was lonely even when her hubby was alive. I just think she needs to slow down a bit and take the time to grieve before she jumps into another relaionship. Her emotions are so raw right now. In no way do I think she is a bad mother. But, this is a good opportunity to work on the bond with her daughter. We are not here to judge her. We don't know enough of her situation to know the whole story. Don't make her feel worse about herself. She's feeling bad already. We are here to support her. The OP reached out to us .... let's not slap her hand away when she needs us the most. This other man may just be the friend she needs right now.