Husband just died

[debilorrah]

I want to let everyone know that not every mother bonds with their child. It happens. Please do not turn this into a "you need to do this" for the OP. She is obviously having a hard a time.

 

[ChooksChick]

Quote:
I agree, and we all need to be supportive. I also agree that it's crucial to fake the relationship with her daughter right now, because part of what she's feeling is probably a bit of shell-shock and numbness from all the trauma. It can separate a person from those they ought to be close to.

Please, please, for your sake and hers, find a way to make memories right now, even if it doesn't feel 'natural.'

Make mud pies. Fly a kite. Make pasta necklaces and press flowers in heavy books. Take pictures.

When you have had time to grieve, you will reflect back on this time and if you withdraw from her, you will have great sorrow for having pulled away when she needed you most. You don't know it, but you need her most right now. If nothing else, share with her your love for your horse and dog, as that will help you bond with her- as she, too, falls in love with them the way you demonstrate.

I feel so badly for you both- I can't imagine losing my husband. I know I would look for companionship, too- and logic wouldn't make the loneliness go away. I encourage you to take a class of some sort once a week- knitting, drawing, yoga, anything. ANYTHING. Put yourself in something new and shift your paradigm. That's going to be the start of your growth out of this and will give you an opportunity to see yourself in a reflection that isn't from a partner or from work. Right now you have a void where you used to have a reflection from your partner. Try not to put a man's reflection in there to fill the void- start with some more neutral new reflections. Classes are a great way to do that.

You'll get there- I promise. The confidence you build while holding off from jumping in, as you find out more about you in relation to the world without having your husband as the only reference point, will be what you need. That confidence will make you choose a man who deserves you.

I hope you do take a bit more time...I know that when one is slowly falling away from a relationship because of illness or chronic health issues, some of the grieving happens in advance. I also know that you still need more time, and you need to give your little family some great memory-making moments so that you both can heal a bit more.

I don't truly understand from your perspective, but I hope I can help, just the same.

 

[yotetrapper]

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Seems to me, that if a mother for whatever reason is unable to bond with and love their daughter, they need to consider giving that child up to a family member or someone who will love the child. That is the saddest thing I have ever heard, and to me, completely unfathomable!

 

[chics in the sun]

I am not judging the OP, but as a Social Worker, I will admit that is concerning to me. Please look at the option of family counseling as you work through this difficult time. Children are so perceptive, and I've worked closely with the aftermath of children who grow up feeling unloved. The "fake it till you make it" advice is excellent advice, and pretty much what I would tell you if you were in my office.

As I grieved for my late husband, I was at first completely overwhelmed by trying to be a mother to my son. It felt like I could barely take care of myself, much less an infant. But as time wore on and I began to heal, the bond between us got stronger and he is now the center of my being. I have also been in a relationship now with a great guy for two years, but nothing will come before my beatiful son. His presence has been healing in so many ways, and you can find that in your daughter, too.

 

[Enchanted Sunrise Farms]

i agree with "chics in the sun", and many others. Sometimes it helps to try to look at things from another's perspective. You may be teaching your daughter, through your actions, that you are nothing without a man. That's a dangerous path to go down and could lead to much heartache for her as she matures, as she will probably rush into relationships much too quickly. Even if you don't feel a strong bond, she still needs your guidance.

The last thing i would do is to judge. i was such a screw-up in my younger years. i struggled for self-esteem and had the mind-set that i had to have a man to complete me. i don't think i really grew as a person and came to a place of contentment with myself until my late forties. i went through therapy, belonged to a church, meditated, attended seminars, read books, anything really to try to find answers. Through all that i found a lot of good tools to help me cope with the struggles of life. i would suggest you look for a counselor, a support group, maybe find some good books on grieving, anything to help you through these times.

Your new love interest actually does sound like a very nice man. And perhaps it might blossom into something permanent. But that won't replace you doing the work of processing your loss and grief, and coming to terms with your relationship with your daughter. i hope everything comes together for you. You sound like a very nice person going through a very traumatic time. Things will get better.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

OP- Please get some grief counseling. Your description sounds like there is some depression happening (which is very logical given that you have just gone through a MAJOR life-altering experience.) Don't worry about jumping into another relationship. You can and will function just fine with no man around. You need to get through this before you tangle up your emotions further (not to mention the emotions of your 6 year old). Many hospice groups offer grief counseling for spouses and children. My mom was an Alive Hospice counselor for years and did group counseling for years. The adults met in one room while children met in another. It is a safe place to talk and get help. Please, please, please take advantage of something like this to help you through this hard time.

 

[pinkwindsong]

Your horse is what is called your Familiar. she takes all your excess energy, positive or negative away from you and allows you to breath again.. the bond between a person and her familiar is a very close bond, I understand, because you can say anything to her, she understands your moods and reflects back to you what you need. I have spent many a night riding and grooming my mare for years and no one even knew I was in the barn while they were sleeping, but she is what I needed to stay strong. that bond , that special time of just breathing not thinking of anything.. Dont give up your Familiar.. but you may find a time of day or night to work that bond while working on the bond with your daughter at the other times. there is a familar for everyone. has she found hers? find hers so that she too has an outlet to talk to and feel normal around.. but in the mean time she needs you to be Mom. men ... pst.. theres time for that later. heal first. help her heal first.... you may find a man isnt as important to you as you thought and your daughter is ...
I wish you and your daughter the very best of relationships.. I know it isnt easy but it IS worth it..

blessed be to you and yours )O(
Pink

the people on this forum are wonderful and a pool of love, and a wealth of information, take advantage of such a great help base.

 

[wolftracks]

Quote:
Seems to me, that if a mother for whatever reason is unable to bond with and love their daughter, they need to consider giving that child up to a family member or someone who will love the child. That is the saddest thing I have ever heard, and to me, completely unfathomable!

OK That was heartless and cruel. You have no idea what it is to lose a spouse to death and even if it wasn't a good relationship, it's devistarting and can play on your mind and devour your brain. Now just give up on your kid and give her away. What a horrible thing to say.

The fake it till you make it works. Takes time though. We were raising out grand daughter. Even though Bill was stepdad here, he was grandpa to everyone and this kid is now 5 and was Grandpa's girl! She always ran to him, he always had to be with him, he had to be the one to console her when she was hurt or upset. She didn't want Grandma. She can say horrible things and not want to be around me one minute, but then she's right there to help with chickens, she loves to plant things, she has a puppy now that although I have to direct a lot she's learning to walk her correctly and feed her while I feed mine. She's becoming a pretty good like cook, although she's always in my way and it takes 3 x longer to fix even the simplest meal, but she's coming around. It's taken 10 months to get this far, but I'm getting there. She still thinks she's in charge, but that's a family trait and charactor flaw I've passed on to all my kids. They ended up being very strong adults, so I guess that's ok.

I used to be like you. I was in horrible relationships and couldn't wait to end them. Then when I met my youngest son's dad I thought I finally found a good one. Yeah right! Lying, cheating, heartless jerk, but he played it off well. And I always thought it was me. I had been lonely and he was so nice to me, but then after 4 years I found out he was nice to a lot of people. So being pregnant I was terrified when I found out who one of them was. I went straight to my doctor. After 5 different times I can say I'm AIDS free. LOL But he also did me a favor. He made me realize I didn't need a man around. I had friends at the time (not now) and I kept myself busy. I missed out of things with me kids while he was around. Heck I had missed out before him with a real crud that I couldn't get rid of unless I gave up my home and took the kids to a shelter. Finally he made a big mistake. Those were some really cool cops that took him away that day.


I didn't want Bill. Didn't want to be bothered with dealing with another man, just do what I wanted when I wanted. And back then I was hit on constantly, so I didn't think I was not wanted, just finished with the whole thing. Then a woman I met thought I Bill was perfect for me. He kept bugging her to introduce him to me and I kept saying no. I finally did meet him and tried to chase him away, but he was so different. When I said something he listened, ok maybe not so much after we got married, because he could remember conversation that went in my favor. LOL He helped me with things, he was a good friend and I didn't know I had fallen in love with him until I saw him with someone else. Figured I had blown it with actually having a good person in my life. Thing is she had giving him a ride to see me and wanted to make sure I was good enough for him. But I didn't know at first that I even wanted him. Used to tell him he grew on my like fungus. He didn't meet my kids for 6 months. I didn't know if I was going to keep him. I had told him I didn't want to get married or live with anyone and have them around my kids. He was older, hadn't raised his own kids and was a typical bachlor. We agreed to just hang out. Yeah that lasted about a year and a half. We ended up getting married. I knew about his problems with PTSD. I had issues of my own and he dealt with those, so I had to deal with his. I knew going into it that it would have rough times.

This wasn't just my soulmate. Bill was like my twin soul. They say those don't always find eachother, but we did. There was no one other than my kids that I could be around all the time. Heck I needed breaks from the kids, but Bill was like part of me. It wasn't just making me feel good about myself, it was being able to do the same for him. It was going through some horrible times, but dealing with them together. It was talking about absolutely nothing and having a good time doing it. And it was about looking at someone and knowing they felt the same way about you that you felt about them.

To me lately..........life is horrible. I'm alone except having my grand daughter and my youngest son (first year of high school) to talk to. I have one friend. She works a lot, has kids and she's on her own. We talk about once every 3 months, but we're always happy to hear from the other. Other than that, it's just me. It's lonely, but it'll be alright for me. There's no one else out there that could compare to Bill and I tend to comparison shop, so I prefer not to even think about it. I had my Forever After. It's gone now, but I had it. Wish it had been a lot longer though.

Don't fall in love. Fall in like. There may be something your daughter wants to do that you could be involved in. Who knows you might even find a dad that's able to be a mister like. Or just someone to hang out with. Although physical love is great, without emotional love or even like, you're just stuck in the same old pattern and you'll attrack exactly what you aren't looking for.

In the meantime, maybe you and your daughter can make some horse shaped cookies together.

Still love ya.

 

[michickenwrangler]

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Thank you.

People, please keep in mind that I have been riding my horse since I was 17. What she and I have been through together has essentially me growing from a girl into a woman. Not only have we been together, but we compete in endurance together. We have hours and hours together alone before I even met Wayne, she was all I had. Riding her is so purely instinctive it's beyond anything that I've read in a novel. So in addition to riding all over the state together, we have camped together, just her and me in all kinds of weather and situations and relying on one another.

Even when I was younger, I never wanted children of my own. But I wanted a horse.

So 13 years with my horse compared to 6 years with my daughter, the latter mainly being raised during my college and early career days by my husband. I've already been told by him when he was alive and my mother that I am a bad parent.

If anyone goes to the pets/livestock section, they will see threads about DD and the pony we thought about buying for her, even before Wayne's death. She and I have grown closer through riding and spending time together, but parenting has never been instinctive for me.

And I do have an appointment to meet with a grief counselor next Wed.

Also, DD hasn't really had ANY reaction to her father's death despite how close they were. Which was very frustrating to me in the beginning while I could hardly stop sobbing and she ran around blithely. That first week she was so excited that relatives were coming into town and friends were coming over and being nice to her, taking her places and buying her things, giving her hugs and telling her how sorry they were. So while I lost 15 lbs, went sleepless for many nights and cried so hard I was nauseous, she played with the stuffed horse that Wayne's friend gave her and wanted to know why I wanted to be left alone. She's bounced back pretty quickly. Her teacher said for that first month she was hugging the teacher and the parapro a lot although the teacher said that she's not so "huggy" any more.

And my bond with DD won't improve any starting in the fall. I'll be working full time without a prep hour, travelling between 3 schools while trying to take an online course at EMU. I tried to talk to our union guy about trying to work in a prep period for me and he basically told me "Be glad they're not laying you off. Deal with it."

 

[hikerchick]

I have worked full time, sometimes two jobs. my daughter's entire life and gone to school for much of it. That never stopped us from bonding. I feel so bad for this little girl who is basically alone in the world. It is heartbreaking.