Husband just died
- Thread starter michickenwrangler
- Start date
I would never judge the OP because I have never been in her shoes. I think people are reacting more out of concern for the little girl than of judging the OP. They have both suffered a loss. I feel for both of them.
Ok I have to open my big mouth again. This isn't directed at anyone, just so much has been said about kids handling death better sometimes.
Unless you have a loss as a child, you don't know how they grieve.
I lost my little sister when I was 6. No one worried about me. They didn't answer the questions I had, they didn't know what my nighmares were about and I grieved heavily for her up into my 30's. Kids hold things in, but their minds are going 100 mph. They just don't always voice them. Unless someone actually talks to them calmly and lets them ask questions and then answers them it just sits there. It's like being there but not being seen and no one noticing that they need to be part of everything.
I don't care if a kid is 2, if someone they have been close to dies, they feel the hurt, just like anyone else would. The problem is that we as parents are going through so much, that it seems like the kids are fine. They aren't. They just want the pain to stop and things that go on around them change, so they're just there for the ride and waiting to see what's going to happen next. They're just better at keeping it in or thinking they don't have the right to show the emotion.
I'm not handling my husband's death well. Yesterday I was talking about him. Don't remember what it was about, but just something goofy. My son who will be 15 in two days and doesn't show a lot of emotion, told me he didn't want to talk about him, because he misses him too much.
My 5 year old grand daughter had a hard time the first 3 weeks. Since then she has become more than I can handle some times. Other times she'll say something about grandpa. But her behavior has changed and I know his death has a lot to do with it, either from her grief or mine.
Just never underestimate a small child. Most are smarter than the rest of us.
Unless you have a loss as a child, you don't know how they grieve.
I lost my little sister when I was 6. No one worried about me. They didn't answer the questions I had, they didn't know what my nighmares were about and I grieved heavily for her up into my 30's. Kids hold things in, but their minds are going 100 mph. They just don't always voice them. Unless someone actually talks to them calmly and lets them ask questions and then answers them it just sits there. It's like being there but not being seen and no one noticing that they need to be part of everything.
I don't care if a kid is 2, if someone they have been close to dies, they feel the hurt, just like anyone else would. The problem is that we as parents are going through so much, that it seems like the kids are fine. They aren't. They just want the pain to stop and things that go on around them change, so they're just there for the ride and waiting to see what's going to happen next. They're just better at keeping it in or thinking they don't have the right to show the emotion.
I'm not handling my husband's death well. Yesterday I was talking about him. Don't remember what it was about, but just something goofy. My son who will be 15 in two days and doesn't show a lot of emotion, told me he didn't want to talk about him, because he misses him too much.
My 5 year old grand daughter had a hard time the first 3 weeks. Since then she has become more than I can handle some times. Other times she'll say something about grandpa. But her behavior has changed and I know his death has a lot to do with it, either from her grief or mine.
Just never underestimate a small child. Most are smarter than the rest of us.
Quote:
I hope this isn't taken wrong ~ but I do hope that your daughter doesn't sense this.
Stay strong, in due time ~ the right person will come along again.
Izzie, my horse, is what got me through the breakup of my first serious boyfriend and through others and is getting me through Wayne's death. I have honestly poured more love and emotion into that horse than even Wayne. I've been with her over 13 yrs, Wayne only 11 and my daughter only 6 (7 if you count pregnancy).
Though my daughter and I do things together, especially now that she's at an age where she can help me with stuff, I just don't have an emotional bond with her.
At the age of six it's definitely not too late to acquire an emotional bond with this child. Once you do, I assure you that you will never feel a greater love than that of a child.
I hope this isn't taken wrong ~ but I do hope that your daughter doesn't sense this.
Stay strong, in due time ~ the right person will come along again.
Izzie, my horse, is what got me through the breakup of my first serious boyfriend and through others and is getting me through Wayne's death. I have honestly poured more love and emotion into that horse than even Wayne. I've been with her over 13 yrs, Wayne only 11 and my daughter only 6 (7 if you count pregnancy).
Though my daughter and I do things together, especially now that she's at an age where she can help me with stuff, I just don't have an emotional bond with her.
At the age of six it's definitely not too late to acquire an emotional bond with this child. Once you do, I assure you that you will never feel a greater love than that of a child.
I have to step up here....I didn't have a good bond with my daughter. She is now 7 years old. Her daddy is the light of her life despite the hostiility toward each other like siblings. (thats another story).
At birth, from a drugged up and epidural and emergency c-section, frustrated at myself there was no bond but just an awe when they handed me for the first time.....beautiful baby! Just beautiful! My husband was at my side and I told him to look after her. He went with her, for clean up and inspection and she was OK but needed to go into the incubator with lights. She had jaudice really bad and blood incompatibility that just went wronky for a little bit. She stayed at the hospital for a week while I went home on the fourth day after surgery. I felt a loss, frustrated not breast feeding her or felt not doing it right which none of the nurses would help any why she is not latched on properly (as I found out later). Pain and more pain, pain killers drugged up, brain in a fog. I didnt have prenatal post partum depression either. Lucky me!
When it comes to my daughter, I would give her a warm house, a bed, food for her to eat and all the books she would ever want. Oh, the hugs, I love them even thru my pain (possibly fibromyglia) and she knows when I hurt, she would give me a kiss anyway. I would love her all the same but the maternal bond isn't there. She does look up to me for comfort, hugs, kisses or outright frustrated that I would talk to her and make sure she understood why or what reason why things didn't go the way she wanted it to be. She is a very loving child and if anything happens to her, I would do everything in my power to keep it happening. I would defend her for my life if a man even think about molesting her too......he would be gone (hubby would KILL him if he ever finds out if a man molest her) or reported to jail, get no PASS card. Nothing worse than a woman fighting like a tiger for her child. You cross my daughter, you will pay for MY H*** I will undo to you. If looks can kill, yep, that's me.
I don't have that strong maternal bond and my own mother was loving and kind but not the huggable, lovable mom all kissy kissy. My dad's family are very devoted to their kids and expressed so lovingly that it was sickening but that is THEM! I have to be grateful that my daughter sees that in her grandpa and my sister which all of them have strong maternal instinct. As long she is involved with them, she will be just fine. She does not have any interest in playing girl things but love to wear jewerly and dresses but does not play with dolls. Loves to play in dirt, mess with the chickens, ride horses (riding lessons) and express interest in doing more horse back riding lessons.
I am glad she lives thru me, horses and chickens and no way I ever encouraged her but she knows I love them. Now she wants to go to 4H which I have not found one yet that would deal with livestock, real farming than city 4H ers.
I can understand OP and how she felt. When I got pregnant, not expecting it to be so soon, after losing my job but it HAPPENS and afraid that my boyfriend (hubby now) would leave me. Nope, it was irrational and insecure feelings I had. Hubby stood up to the plate and he did a good job of it. Who decided to get up nights to check on his daughter so I can rest? He did. Even when she was sick, he stayed up with her. We both had an obligation to her as our only child and we will do the BEST we can for her.
If she was gone, I would cry even she was at Grandpa's house for an overnight stay...the house is too quiet. If we go to reenactments without her, we missed her fun even her whiney butt when she is tired. By the second day without her, we HAVE to get her back.
At birth, from a drugged up and epidural and emergency c-section, frustrated at myself there was no bond but just an awe when they handed me for the first time.....beautiful baby! Just beautiful! My husband was at my side and I told him to look after her. He went with her, for clean up and inspection and she was OK but needed to go into the incubator with lights. She had jaudice really bad and blood incompatibility that just went wronky for a little bit. She stayed at the hospital for a week while I went home on the fourth day after surgery. I felt a loss, frustrated not breast feeding her or felt not doing it right which none of the nurses would help any why she is not latched on properly (as I found out later). Pain and more pain, pain killers drugged up, brain in a fog. I didnt have prenatal post partum depression either. Lucky me!
When it comes to my daughter, I would give her a warm house, a bed, food for her to eat and all the books she would ever want. Oh, the hugs, I love them even thru my pain (possibly fibromyglia) and she knows when I hurt, she would give me a kiss anyway. I would love her all the same but the maternal bond isn't there. She does look up to me for comfort, hugs, kisses or outright frustrated that I would talk to her and make sure she understood why or what reason why things didn't go the way she wanted it to be. She is a very loving child and if anything happens to her, I would do everything in my power to keep it happening. I would defend her for my life if a man even think about molesting her too......he would be gone (hubby would KILL him if he ever finds out if a man molest her) or reported to jail, get no PASS card. Nothing worse than a woman fighting like a tiger for her child. You cross my daughter, you will pay for MY H*** I will undo to you. If looks can kill, yep, that's me.
I don't have that strong maternal bond and my own mother was loving and kind but not the huggable, lovable mom all kissy kissy. My dad's family are very devoted to their kids and expressed so lovingly that it was sickening but that is THEM! I have to be grateful that my daughter sees that in her grandpa and my sister which all of them have strong maternal instinct. As long she is involved with them, she will be just fine. She does not have any interest in playing girl things but love to wear jewerly and dresses but does not play with dolls. Loves to play in dirt, mess with the chickens, ride horses (riding lessons) and express interest in doing more horse back riding lessons.
I am glad she lives thru me, horses and chickens and no way I ever encouraged her but she knows I love them. Now she wants to go to 4H which I have not found one yet that would deal with livestock, real farming than city 4H ers.
I can understand OP and how she felt. When I got pregnant, not expecting it to be so soon, after losing my job but it HAPPENS and afraid that my boyfriend (hubby now) would leave me. Nope, it was irrational and insecure feelings I had. Hubby stood up to the plate and he did a good job of it. Who decided to get up nights to check on his daughter so I can rest? He did. Even when she was sick, he stayed up with her. We both had an obligation to her as our only child and we will do the BEST we can for her.
If she was gone, I would cry even she was at Grandpa's house for an overnight stay...the house is too quiet. If we go to reenactments without her, we missed her fun even her whiney butt when she is tired. By the second day without her, we HAVE to get her back.
Good gosh Ewesheep - sure sounds like a strong bond to me. Our relationshipmwith our children does not have to fit anyone else's version of "right". You are not a cuddly person? No buggy- sounds like your daughter has a lot a respect and love for you, and visa versa
I was just going to say the same thing to Ewesheep- if that is not a bond, what is?
Mixed feelings toward daughter. Something was missing, somewhat indifferent toward her sometimes like I don't want to be bothered. Its like "Oh leave me alone!" or "Don't touch me." I can be nasty when I 'm in pain, hurting all over. Glad daughter understands that but I can sense hurt in her eyes and I have to push myself harder to say "I'm sorry, I should not have said that." Even with counseling, they did say FAKE it and get it overwith. I felt cheated in a way. If I was not in pain, in a very good mood, I'm happy go lucky and can relate better with daughter. I'm not the lovey dovey type. If she falls, scrapes her knee, I would tell her you'll be ok and lets go in the bathroom and clean up. No kisses or hugs unless she wants it. With her daddy, its different. She would go up to him, crying, he would pull her next to him to sit on his lap, and check her knee and hug her and takes her in the bathroom to clean it up. He puts on a bandaid with such a flair she enjoyed that and kiss her "boo boo". (to me, its nasty to kiss a germy boo boo or put germs on a cleaned boo boo) He is an EMT certified and he has that knack of putting kids at ease. See the difference?
She is a very determined little girl and I am sure OP's daughter is also determined and being strong for her mother. Kids sure do have the knack of knowing something isn't right, they would either shut down or find a way to deal with the situation they know how.
I used to have horses for over 20 years. I don't think I can judge which one I like better because I don't have horses anymore. I dont think I can pick and choose either hubby/daughter vs horses. It is non negotiable in that department of which one I love more. Nor could I replace one with the other. Just don't make me choose...as I told my mother who was angry with me....choose her/family OR my husband. No deal or both of them would lose me, not negotiable at any terms I would stoop so low in picking my mom and her family or my husband. Yes I love them both but not enough to one without the other. (this happened before I was married to my husband. At that time he was my bf).
If my husband was to die today, I would not know what I would do but one thing I know, I have a daughter but I can not take my hubby's emotional bond/actions into play for her. Just can not.
She is a very determined little girl and I am sure OP's daughter is also determined and being strong for her mother. Kids sure do have the knack of knowing something isn't right, they would either shut down or find a way to deal with the situation they know how.
I used to have horses for over 20 years. I don't think I can judge which one I like better because I don't have horses anymore. I dont think I can pick and choose either hubby/daughter vs horses. It is non negotiable in that department of which one I love more. Nor could I replace one with the other. Just don't make me choose...as I told my mother who was angry with me....choose her/family OR my husband. No deal or both of them would lose me, not negotiable at any terms I would stoop so low in picking my mom and her family or my husband. Yes I love them both but not enough to one without the other. (this happened before I was married to my husband. At that time he was my bf).
If my husband was to die today, I would not know what I would do but one thing I know, I have a daughter but I can not take my hubby's emotional bond/actions into play for her. Just can not.
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- Thread starter
- #440
Thank you, EweSheep
I feel better about my relationship with my own daughter after reading that.
I do love my daughter very much and would fight to protect her, but the spiritual bond I have with my horse isn't there with her.
And, no, she cannot take Wayne's place.
I understand now that Wayne was in so much pain that he is happier dead now that the pain is gone. Again, what I have really grieving is the loss of male companionship.
BTW, the guy I'm seeing, I think he's going to break it off soon. I saw him briefly yesterday at work today and yesterday but when I got home there was a message on the answering machine saying he was taking his daughter to a church activity tonight and the fact that I'm not very religious is getting to him more then he thought it would. We're going out tomorrow, so I guess I'll see what happens.
I feel better about my relationship with my own daughter after reading that.
I do love my daughter very much and would fight to protect her, but the spiritual bond I have with my horse isn't there with her.
And, no, she cannot take Wayne's place.
I understand now that Wayne was in so much pain that he is happier dead now that the pain is gone. Again, what I have really grieving is the loss of male companionship.
BTW, the guy I'm seeing, I think he's going to break it off soon. I saw him briefly yesterday at work today and yesterday but when I got home there was a message on the answering machine saying he was taking his daughter to a church activity tonight and the fact that I'm not very religious is getting to him more then he thought it would. We're going out tomorrow, so I guess I'll see what happens.
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