I could use some funny.

[chickensioux]

What did the snail say when he rode on the turtle's back?













































Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

 

[rodriguezpoultry]

Happened today:

Was vacuuming the entire apartment. I began using the hose. It wasn't picking stuff up well enough...I tried to find out why. I tried using a tubule and sticking it down there. That didn't work. I got a flashlight and looked down into it. While looking down the hose, I couldn't find a thing wrong with it. I turned on the vacuum to see if anything would happen, still the same suction problem. I looked down the hose. At that moment, a weird noise and BAM. Mouthful of dust pushed OUT through the vacuum hose.

I am now using the Dirt Devil to clean up the other vacuum then going to enjoy a nice face washing and toothbrushing followed by a thorough Listerine rinse...


Hope you start feeling better!!

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Saddie, read my "And she didn't eat them" post. I know you will be able to see the dog's expression!!

 

[Mahonri]

I so wish I could tell you a couple of BHO jokes.

O well....

 

[Laurajean]

Here's an email I got this morning. Gave me a chuckle.

A new Publix Supermarket opened in Seminole , Florida . It has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience
the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brauts.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp
Smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread & cookies..........

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

 

[saddina]

Quote:
Did that gal from the orbitz commercial pop out? "dirty mouth? clean it up!"

 

[Dust Bunny]

ya i got one for you! last weekend i was sitting on the couch in the living room, with the door open to get some fresh air, posting pics on facebook, when i heard my ducks disco and ebony come quack, quack, quacking into the living room, they waltzed right past me sitting on the couch, made a beeline to the cat food and ate it ALL! i guess i owe the dogs an apology

 

[rodriguezpoultry]

Quote:
Did that gal from the orbitz commercial pop out? "dirty mouth? clean it up!"

Aw man! I didn't even think of that when it happened! Hahaha!

 

[PineappleMama]

Old one, but I still giggle when it lands in my Inbox...

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

Edit... found another one Pop sent me...

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country running, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


AND


Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour

and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

 

[JetBlack]

Quote:
Thank you, it was a car accident, long and short the "meat" of my leg/hip/tush is separated from the bone/joints. It's awful, and i'm lying here waiting for news on if we can do surgery or not.

When the doctor gives you a shot and say's "You're going to feel a little prick..."

You can say "But doctor, we hardly know each other!" Or "Don't be modest, I'm sure it's fine."

I have jokes I have to sit on, for years before I can use them.