I did not mention this part on here, but I will now because I need information and support. There is a lady at my moms work who has been wanting a baby for a very long time. They have their own home and do foster for children who have been abused and what not but their true want in life is their own baby of which she cannot have. Yes, you probably know what im getting at. The day that he said it was over, I talked to my mom about adoption (opened adoption) and even though it makes her and I BOTH sad to think about me not raising the child I truely feel in my heart that alone this child wont be as happy as it could be, wont have as many opportunities as it should have..... but if I selflessly take the time to find it a loving home... maybe not with the lady at moms work (I would want to get to know her and her husband and their plans etc) but some diserving loving family who can give this baby what we (separated husband and me) ever could. Together we would have made it work, but apart this just isn't right, I deep down feel it isn't right. Please don't think im being selfish, far from it, im being selfless.... it's going to kill me to say goodbye to a baby I wanted, and held for 9 months..... I know im going to cry for weeks afterwards, but I truely feel this is Gods plan for me. Adoptive parents are there for a reason, I want this baby having a perminant two sides loving it family from a couple that's been together through thick and thin already and will only be complete with a baby to love.
I called my separated husband and begged and talked to him about this (because he was entirely against it) I explained all the reasons, and I came out of it with him completley understanding me. I got somewhere. He said he needs to think about it, but he said that he will more than likely say yes because he wants this baby to have opportunities we didn't have. He is worried that it won't know we loved it if we did that, but that's why I want an opened adoption so if if ever needs to ask us, it can pick up a phone or come and see me or him and understand why. So i can see pictures and watch it grow and maybe be strong enough to come and visit it.
We are being friends, and I told him again about how divorcing me may mess up the insurance and he said he's going to call an attorney anyhow to see where he stands but if he cannot divorce me AND keep me on, he wont divorce me until after the baby is born. I know you guys are all disgusted with him, but im not perfect either, and I dont' think im stable enough to raise this baby on my own no matter how much I love it. I need to give this baby a chance and look around and see what I can do for me to be a better person once I give this baby a chance.
I talked to him about allomoney (sp?) and such, and he explained it (he's done his homework, lots of guys on the rig are divorced and in the same boat as he will be in more than likely a big influence to his decision to do it) to me in some detail. I trust him enough, honestly, he's a wonderful human being besides leaving me..... I really dont think I'll find another like him.....he says I can but I don't see how, thought he was the only one.
He's going to give me his car if i want it. It needs fixed up but he's even willing to fix it up for me (he's not a mechanic type but his friend who is a really good guy is and he offered to help). He said he doesnt want it and since he has to pay on it anyhow, he will pay on it, help me fix it up, and it can be mine. This is even if the baby goes up for adoption he'd do that for just me.
He's trying to give me a chance.. ive finnally stopped crying because I am seeing there might be hope in this for me, and the baby even if the baby isnt with me.
