I have granny overload???? - How can this happen I need some feed back from my BYC flock.

[oesdog]

Most of you guys know two of my kids are special needs. Both have brain injuries. One is severely disabled and lives in full time supported living while the other is in sheltered independent living.

Brief as I can be. - He is nearly 30yrs old now so very much a man. - He wants what other fellows have. A family of his own.
He has daily support in to help him because he can;t manage things like his finances and daily routine. For a good few years it was difficult for him to manage his daily tasks and personal heigine and simple cooking etc. But over time he has got a lot better and so things have improved for him but as he has social issues and difficulties due to the brain damage he will always need help to some level. This would mainly be for managing his finances and his health needs as he is epileptic.

Well a while ago he met a girl at his special education centre. She has a few "issues and specail needs herself" - over the years she has gotten into a relationship that was not very good for her and left her divorced with two little kids. 6 and 4 yrs old.
Last year our lad found her again on the internet and they have struck up a relationship. He went on an assisted trip to Australia last year with one of his care managers. He was helped with a deal of the trip and stayed with a couple who cared for him. This was very possitive. When he came home he brought home an engagement ring for the young lady. We were worried!
Mainly because he has limited cause and affect perseption. He finds it difficult to understand the concept of empathy as he has frontal lobe damage. But yet he is very infatuated with this girl and I believe he does love her. He wants to marry her and has already ear marked the wedding dress he is "going to buy her?" I told him she has to choose her own frock!

Today - the children came here for the very first time. - Our son kept calling us granny and grandad in front of them and so they did likewise? It all seems a bit fast and unwise and yet it is hard to get our son to see that. I don't want to see the children hurt if it all goes pear shaped. He has them calling him Daddy even though clearly they already have a dad and grandparents on their fathers side. The girls x husband has not been the best of fathers from what I can gather and has been abusive to the children and this girl. I seem to get on with her quite ok and she listens to advice about her health and the welfare of the kiddies. But it all feels very intence. Our son kept saying things like - "go find grandad" to the children or "go help grandma in the kitchen?" Then he would say to me have you enjoyed talking to "my wife?" So I gently correct him and tell him that she is his fiance untill the paperwork!

The kiddies are beautiful - one little lad terribly unsure of himself and clings on for cuddles all the time to us strangers ? A little girl with baby blue eyes and a keeness to please all the time who near fell asleep in my arms? The arms of a total stranger??? How can this be???? How can they buldoze into the family and into my heart and overnight I have to share my love for our blood grandaughter my precious Jess with these two intruders??? Who are desperately in need of love?????? How can it be possible for a brain damaged man who has to get a care worker to counter sign any legal papers to do with his finances - can enter into a marriage contract without a bat of an eyelid???? How can it be leagle??? but it is apparently???

-- The girl does not want to live with our boy in his own supported living home and so he will move in with her in the city miles away and close to her x husbands family? How can that be a good thing?????? What if our boy says something inappropriate - I fear for his safety , his life even?
If it all goes pear shaped the authorities are not going to turf her and the kids out but rather our lad will have no home, no support and nothing again???? - But he loves her and wants to be a daddy? How can someone with frontal lobe damage understand completely the concept of longterm parenting??? He will never work, he will always need support himself? More so if there are kids involved. The girl ( Not being rood not saying her name but feel I should not) will never work either as she is I think quite emotionally damaged now and she needs a deal of support too. - I am fond of them but also scared of them? How can the little chubby fingers of a 4 and 6 yr old - get to me so bad? How can I be granny to these kids? It is all too quick and I see they will be terrible hurt if it doesn't work out. Yet I fold them in my arms and kiss their cheeks and thrust lotions and potions at their mother for skin complaints and all sorts I see the kiddies need.
- Ugh ???? Help me!!!!!!! I feel like I am being disloyal to my dear Jess ???? This is her love after all isn't it???? I am her granny arn't I?????


Oes - thoughts please???????

 

[lazy gardener]

You will never stop being the Grand mother to Jess. That will never go away. If a woman has one child, she loves it with all of her heart. When she has the second baby, she loves it with all of her heart. Does she love the older one any less? Of course not. And on it goes, no matter how many children follow. She will love them with all of her heart. Same with grand children. While that first one may hold a special corner in your heart, there is plenty of space for more. Is it wise for your son, with his dependence issues to marry a woman with dependence issues? Are either one of them capable of meeting the needs of these so very needy children? I think that you know in your heart what the answer is to this question. Whether you have any power to intervene, remains to be seen. It's no wonder that these children are so very emotionally needy, and clinging to apparent strangers for any scraps of affection thrown their way. May God rain blessings in abundance down on them, and meet their needs in a way that only He can work out.

 

[oesdog]

That is exactly what we worry about. - Not only the kids needs but our sons to. It would seem that we cannot interviene and I guess the authorities and care management team have more knowledge and training than us mere parents would hold? I don;t want to stand in the way of my lads perhaps only chance of having a wife and kids of his own - of course not. I just want this whole thing properly managed. I mean - he has little understanding of cause and afect - so what if it goes pear shaped then there will be a deal of hurt and fall out on all sides. So I guess we wanted to slide slowely into the "grandparent trap - I mean role!" - Not get it thrust upon us. I am of the opininon that we will end up either being blamed for it going wrong or being left with the fall out to pick up. If our lad moves in with her - he will be giving up his entire support sistem which we worked hard to get into place. He has a wonderful bungalow facing the sea and the beach how lovely is that but too small for a family sadly. So he will move to a bad part of the city which I worry about. If it goes wrong he will be homeless and have no support services. - I think the authorities think it is a way of offloading the care package and hoping this girl will take up the strain but she has her own issues. - Am I over reacting???? We have NO say in this whatsoever we are NOT his carers anymore the hospital services and social work team for the brain injured are.

Oes

 

[lazy gardener]

I know it sounds trite, but IMO, the best you can do about it is to PRAY, and then step back and hand it over to God.

 

[oesdog]

Yeah you are probably right. I get myself all worried and upset over all this stuff. It is really draining. I don;t feel at all well of late. I have no energy and I have to get Iron injections at the hospital again soon. Not looking forward to that. - I am just feeling like I am drowning in it all. At least I have the very disabled boy settled now but in saying that sometimes the care level is not very good. We keep a good eye on it though. DH wants to bring him home again at times but I cannot cope and it isn;t fair on me or him anyhow. We can't cope longterm with his complex needs.
The good thing about this weekend is that the other lad with the Brian injury seems really happy that we went out of our way to help with the kids. They are lovely and DH despite saying he was against the whole thing took them under his wing like they were his. He doesn;t like being called grandad by them but didn't really object either. He fussed over them and did them a BBQ, found them DVDs to watch lent them a TV to put them on as our lad doesn't have TV! ( I know- he just doesn't cope with it well) But the kids need it don't they. So anyhow they had that and we also left them a mini Wii to play with as the weather was not great here. Despite that they were at the beach and of course got wet. We found them all walking home and put the kids in the car and took them up as they were very cold. DH helped the wee man get warm and showered him and I helped out with the wee girl. They phoned us before they left and the little voices on the end of the phone cried out goodbye granny and grandad can we come back one day? - Can one actually have instant love?????? I held the wee man in my arms and got that feeling I got when I first held Jess???? Weird because I kind of know these kids are just borrowed.

Anyhow what with all the worry about everything. DH and his health is really not good right now either. He is very down too which doesn't help as it is draining. - I am soooooo tired out and feel so unwell right now. I also feel very cut off from everyone. My best friend and My Dad and my sister "forgot" my birthday last week. Dad is so always inward thinking these days ( His favourite subject is himself). My eldest son texed me two days after my Birthday to appologise for forgetting me too but he was busy - I have not answered him as I am so fed up with his excuses these days. He is also trying his best to upset me as now I see he is into all sorts of satanic stuff even though we brought him up Christian. He rejects anything to do with God. - Now he is playing with fire he will ge burned. It doesn't feel right as a christian couple to bring someone who openly admits to being a satanist into our home! How could that happen???? He was such a lovely young man but now he is into his 30s I guess I can't do much but worry. ( Part of me wonders if he is doing this for attention because the disabled boys get attention and our girl gets a lot of support especially over having Jess. He doesn't want to help us out though and constantly moans about having to spend money of gifts for Birthdays and Christmas etc? Like his family inconveniences his lifestyle? He is always working and has NO time or NO money? My daughter is better but has No transport right now so she can't visit. We live in the sticks so public transport is hit and miss and quite expensive so we visit her and our grandbaby Jess. It is not the same as when she lived round the corner.

I feel sometimes that I should not come on to BYC much because I don't talk chickens much anymore. There just seems to be a whole heap of other stuff going on.

Oh my Lilly beth - the Marans is on the brood! I would love to get her some eggs that will hatch but I don't need anymore hens right now. We have 6 and 5 of them can still lay so it does for just the two of us and some extra to take to Jess for her baking. She likes to make buns.

I feel a bit like a Duck treading water like mad under the surface and all is calm on the top but I can't do this forever.

Well better get to bed and try to get some sleep. - I feel like I am constantly being throttled and am finding it hard to breath lately? My darn asthma is playing up and I am putting weight on instead of taking it off. I barely eat anything, one meal a day and I don't even have milk in my coffee anymore and still I managed to put on 10 lbs?
I am just destined to be a FAT old lady with chickens and a smelly cat! - lol

Oes

 

[lindalouly]

Deep breathes.... There is always room in your heart to love children. Does your sons fiancé understand the work that is needed in taking care of him? Has the official authorities of his care sat down with her and explain in detail all the issues he faces? That is a tough one because you are torn between giving him his hearts desires and worrying about the unknown future. If his caregivers think he is capable the only thing mom and dad can do is give as much support you can and let go and love. I hope you and your husband start feeling better. Keep praying for your oldest. The love of Christ outshines the rest!!!!! Just continue in love and don't forget to rest in his mercies and grace.