I have had it "to here" with my step daughter & don't know what to do.

[Mrs. Glassman]

Whew, KDbeads...I was the kid of a broken home too. I would never tell a kid I hated them. I might FEEL it, but I would not be so cruel as to SAY it.

My mom left my Dad. I was young (10 or so) and i didn't know the whole story.) She convinced me to hate him for things she SAID he did...so I did. He was MURDERED when I was 14. After that, I found out the truth about their life. They BOTH deserved what they got....I stay out of the things that KARMA will take care of.

GaNewChick: I would LOVE nothing more than that. Apparently, I'm not in this threesome. I'd love nothing more than to win a million dollars & move to Wyoming & be nothing more than a rumor.

You are right...I'm not really anything *to* her, but I am an adult in her life, therefore should be an authority figure....but I'm a scapegoat. The one who doesn't matter that she can blame crap on.

 

[Boyd]

GaNewChick, I would like to respectfully disagree. Mrs. Glassman has given me enough information to know that her mother is unfit. full stop end of story.

Mrs. Glassman, You allow your step daughter to go to her mom's, you can be charged with failure to protect, and then she automatically goes into foster care.

The fact that custody wasn't changed and she went to moms for a while.... Your husband was still on the hook if she got in trouble, and any kids you two have together past/present will be on the radar if this situation isn't fixed. Yup, they can take your natural if they think you aren't protecting your step daughter.

As a foster parent, and a kid who grew up in a foster home, I do know what I am talking about to a degree. My wife is a social worker, mom retired from cmh, MIL is also retired social worker step mom is a social worker........ this is why I've taken so long to respond because I wanted to give you the best advice I can.




Keep her away from natural mother unless court ordered.
Her mom's continuing influence and poison isn't helping
Report mom for drug abuse if needed
call Protective services on the mother for her misdeeds before she calls another false one in on you.

This is a dirty game, and there is no nice or easy answer. Protect your family as much as you can. If your marriage is strong, your hubby will back you 10000000000000000000000000000% without question.

good luck kiddo, and if you need to talk, give me a holler!

 

[Judy]

Yup, what Boyd said. He knows what he is talking about.

 

[GaNewChick]

Quote:
The reason I say this is just because the mother doesn't have custody doesn't mean that her and her daughter won't communicate. Until she becomes a legal adult, she will be easier and quicker to find should she become a runaway. She still has a bond with her mother, regardless of what papers she signed.

I've not suggested that they send her to spend every other weekend with mom, only that Mrs. Glassman and her husband keep in touch with her.

IMO, giving the daughter the impression *true or not* that you don't care about her mother by cutting her completely off is alienating her and puts yourself in a situation where you are unable to help the child deal with the feelings/questions she might have about where her mother is, what she is doing, and how she is. Trying to force the separation of the two stands a good chance on backfiring on ya. It could give the kid the impression that *if you don't care about my mother, you probably don't care about me*.

 

[dlhunicorn]

as far as lies > kids (teens) can go really far with their their OWN parents (my 13 year old stood her ground about not taking my makeup even after I promptly went to her room, got her purse and opened it and she had the proof of her lie under her nose!)

I am in holland but I see enough on the t.v. to know that the quality of social care system and workers can horrendously vary (so no disrespect to Boyd) > from what you have told about your experience with the particular agency operating in your area, I would be hesitant to rely purely on their help to straighten the matter out or even to sort out fact from fiction. I know it might sound corny but if I were in your situation and with limited financial reserves I would be pounding on dr. Phils internet site door.

 

[redhen]

I can tell you that her having contact with her druggie/fire starting thief of a mother is a BIG problem. I would not let her have contact with her mother until she gets her act together...period. (the mother, i mean..) AND then it would be supervised visits ONLY.

Youre in a tough situation...i dont think i'd keep her in my house either...But she would NOT go to her mothers either..
You DO have other options, you know..you CAN commit her to DCFS.(or what about another family member??)..With you being so angry and hurt and bitter with her right now...it may be best to remove her from your enviroment..AND i would only do supervised visits with her...to protect you and your family from her alligations.
She also REALLY needs therapy.. Shes had a tough life..*of course, shes going to be emotionally messed up from seeing all that shes seen living with her mother..* I cant stress enough..NO visits with mom unless SUPERVISED.. and protect yourself also! And first thing to do is get her in therapy..

 

[Southernbelle]

Quote:
100% agree with Boyd and redhen. The mother is a destructive influence and should be cut off until she cleans up her act, see if you have grounds for a restraining order. Tell your step-daughter that phone calls to her mother are going to be monitored.

Obviously, the allegations are false. What has CPS said? I don't think they appreciate being lied to and used for internal power struggles and I would think they'd have something to say to the mother/daughter team for pulling these stunts. Doesn't SDD realize that even if she does manage to get herself taken away a good agency will not give a child to a drug addict/criminal parent with no income who signed rights away? She'd be put into emergency care until things can be sorted out.

Is SDD in counseling? That seems like a good place to start.

 

[dlhunicorn]

JMHO but at that age the more you flat out "forbid" something the more she will rebel against what you are forbidding... it is like waving a red flag to a bull... all reason goes out the window .
Get her in a program well away from the mother (and where she will find it difficult to leave) if it becomes apparent that you can not get her to reconsider her current position on things.

 

[robbdebbie]

I am really sorry you are going through this right now. It must be really tough. I have a little experience with some of this. The first having an unfit mother. Even though I knew what she did was wrong, and even though I wanted better for myself, I still wanted to be with my mom. It wasn't all about better rules and such, but more that I didn't understand HOW to live in a "normal" family. I didn't understand the rules, I didn't know how to function. Here I lived in a dysfunctional family for the majority of my life, and had to manipulate just to get my basic needs sorta met. When I moved in with my step-mom and dad I felt like a fish outta water to say the least. All I wanted was my mom-no matter how bad she was. Now I didn't per se lie to anyone to be able to move back, or do anything wrong. I think the only thing you can do is see that your husband should be super invovled with her, her recovery from her upbringing, and mostly her discipline. Make sure the rules are very clear, and when she does something wrong make sure you teach her the right way things should have been handled. I am not saying that you are not invovled in any of it, by you should be the assistant and your husband the boss. Also, she should get in trouble for her behaviors, but also use them as a teaching lesson. She needs counseling, and maybe a field trip to a jail to see what happens to people who break the law making false reports and living the life of her mother. Don't give up, everyone else in her life already has. I am 30 now and I am still learning how to be "normal." It is not an overnight process, and just because she moved in to your house doesn't mean she automatically knows how to act. I expect she has just been telling you what she thinks you want to hear about right and wrong, not what she really understands. I use to do that a lot. Tell everyone what they wanted to hear so that they would love me. Shoot, she might be telling her mom stuff she doesn't believe so that her mom is happy.


Good luck,
Debbie

 

[GaNewChick]

Quote:
When are these phone calls going to be monitored? What if she never gets her act together?

That's the problem that I see with this situation. She is 15 yrs old (almost 16). If she were 5 yrs old, it would not be a problem for them to keep her separated from her mother. At 15, she is old enough and creative enough to find ways to talk and see her mother.

The mother gave Tori up ~ Tori did not give her mother up.