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Wow, what a powerful posting.
Wow, what a powerful posting.
I have had it "to here" with my step daughter & don't know what to do.
- Thread starter Mrs. Glassman
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Mrs. Glassman, first, forgive yourself for your feelings of anger and hurt. Second you need to forgive your step-daughter. I really recommend family couseling. I was raised by a step-mother. PM me if you want to talk about it.. I not only survived it, I thrived. It is not easy, but well worth it if you can make it through the rough spots. Which come and go through out the years! I consider my step-mom as my mother period. I was 7 when she came in my life, I am now 51! She is my best friend, just not when we were growing up. (she had to grow in the relationship too! ) Boyd had good comments. Teens, whether they are real or step can cause the problems your family is going through! God bless you and your family, you are in my prayers! Theresa
- May 13, 2008
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WOW!!!!!! This is the best I can do
. I wish you all the best.
AL
AL
Do what Boyd says. Also, it may help you to know that the teenage brain is not mature. The wiring is not complete. They find it difficult to process things like consequences for ones actions. Which means you have to make the decisions for them. Like keep her away from her mother. If she wants to make contact with her mother when she is an adult, fine. But for now, no. Nothing good can come of it. If you can get some counseling for yourself, if nothing else, it would help you to step back and not take what she does/says personally.
Those situations are EXACTLY the reason I stayed single and didn't date until my son was 16, and then I refused to date anyone with a child under 16 years of age. It just isn't worth it.
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Parents who stay together are taking an equal chance of stepping into a *mess* when they choose to have children.
When you marry a man who has minor children, he is a father first and a husband 2nd. If you can't handle that, don't marry into that situation. Yes, I know what I am talking about; I have 4 stepkids (all grown, now; hte eldest was 14 when we married). When people ask me how many kids I have the answer is always 6. My steps are as much my kids as my biological sons are.
I know that acquiring a ready-made family is very different than raising a child from birth. At different ages and stages kids are dramatically different; being involved in shaping a life from birth is in many ways easier than stepping in when the child is older and has already acquired habits and behaviors that are different than you would prefer.
You need fun and happy times together, but that doesn't mean you should be best friends with your stepdaughter. Maybe many years from now when she is fully grown and independent. But right now she needs a mother figure who will set the limits that her mother has not. The number of teenagers who lie and sneak around their biological mothers and tell them they hate them is far greater than you appear to realize. I think it was a Dear Abby or maybe Ann Landers column from back when I was a kid in the 60s or 70s that talked about a mom's perspective of hearing their child say they hate her--the correct realization is that it means you are setting the necessary boundaries, and she is unhappy about them--right in keeping with her age. A more mature kid would realize that the limits are because you love and care for them, and want the best, and want to avoid any chance of bad things happening to her--and that kid wouldn't say "I hate you." In general, daughters rebel more against their mothers, sons their fathers.
There are a lot of posts here with good advise. I do believe you need family counciling for all of you. At the very least, contact with the bio-mom needs to be dramatically limited; rules and expected behaviors and consequences need to be clearly set and understood by everyone.
Parents who stay together are taking an equal chance of stepping into a *mess* when they choose to have children.
When you marry a man who has minor children, he is a father first and a husband 2nd. If you can't handle that, don't marry into that situation. Yes, I know what I am talking about; I have 4 stepkids (all grown, now; hte eldest was 14 when we married). When people ask me how many kids I have the answer is always 6. My steps are as much my kids as my biological sons are.
I know that acquiring a ready-made family is very different than raising a child from birth. At different ages and stages kids are dramatically different; being involved in shaping a life from birth is in many ways easier than stepping in when the child is older and has already acquired habits and behaviors that are different than you would prefer.
You need fun and happy times together, but that doesn't mean you should be best friends with your stepdaughter. Maybe many years from now when she is fully grown and independent. But right now she needs a mother figure who will set the limits that her mother has not. The number of teenagers who lie and sneak around their biological mothers and tell them they hate them is far greater than you appear to realize. I think it was a Dear Abby or maybe Ann Landers column from back when I was a kid in the 60s or 70s that talked about a mom's perspective of hearing their child say they hate her--the correct realization is that it means you are setting the necessary boundaries, and she is unhappy about them--right in keeping with her age. A more mature kid would realize that the limits are because you love and care for them, and want the best, and want to avoid any chance of bad things happening to her--and that kid wouldn't say "I hate you." In general, daughters rebel more against their mothers, sons their fathers.
There are a lot of posts here with good advise. I do believe you need family counciling for all of you. At the very least, contact with the bio-mom needs to be dramatically limited; rules and expected behaviors and consequences need to be clearly set and understood by everyone.
I have been a step-mother for 23 years. What didn't work for us, is that we set boundaries...her mother set boundaries. Unfortunately ~ the two didn't equal and many times didn't even come close. It set up a sequence of events that were hard to control.
It has been a true disappointment in how she has decided to live her adult life ~ she received good guidance from everyone, but in the end ... she chose her path.
It has been a true disappointment in how she has decided to live her adult life ~ she received good guidance from everyone, but in the end ... she chose her path.
You need lots of
! Being a stepparent isn't easy. When my husband and I got married 10 years ago he had custody of his 3 children from a previous marriage and I had my 2 - that made 5 kids ranging from 12 to 24! His oldest daughter moved in with her boyfriend. My son had already joined the Marines. My kids loved their stepfather - their father divorced them along with me and we never saw him. His 3 girls had their mother in their lives, and she was a vindictive woman who never forgave me for stealing her husband - it didn't matter that they were divorced for 7 years! Anyway, his 2 younger daughters were pretty difficult. I tried to treat them like mine (I'm sure I fell short). I lived through their lies and the poison their mother filled them, but nothing like you have.
Now we are all adults and we have a working relationship. His daughters come and visit and we are all very civil and pleasant. His middle daughter (who was the most trouble) was the one who sat up with me and held my hand the night my son died. His youngest comes to me whenever she wants something, whether money or advice. Through everything I tried to be the best mother (or stepmother) I could. I didn't do it for them - I did it for myself and my husband who I love dearly.
I'm sure you don't hate anyone. She is part of your husband and you probably wouldn't want to hurt him through his daughter. I didn't read through all the posts, but my advice to you is to search your heart and do what you think is right (I know, not much help). I put up with my steps for my husband's sake, knowing it was all temporary and sooner or later they would be on their own. If I gave them nothing else, I at least showed them what a normal family life was.
Now we are all adults and we have a working relationship. His daughters come and visit and we are all very civil and pleasant. His middle daughter (who was the most trouble) was the one who sat up with me and held my hand the night my son died. His youngest comes to me whenever she wants something, whether money or advice. Through everything I tried to be the best mother (or stepmother) I could. I didn't do it for them - I did it for myself and my husband who I love dearly.
I'm sure you don't hate anyone. She is part of your husband and you probably wouldn't want to hurt him through his daughter. I didn't read through all the posts, but my advice to you is to search your heart and do what you think is right (I know, not much help). I put up with my steps for my husband's sake, knowing it was all temporary and sooner or later they would be on their own. If I gave them nothing else, I at least showed them what a normal family life was.
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Beautifully said and I could not have put it better or added to it..... sage advice .............
I wish you well, but would just add the fact that your "resentment" just shows how much you really care for her deep down in your heart, it has just been locked away for while.... open up your heart again to this child and follow the wonderful advice given by this Rustyswoman.......... she deserves one more chance at normaility with you and her father...
to you and please let us all know how it turns out.......
Beautifully said and I could not have put it better or added to it..... sage advice .............
I wish you well, but would just add the fact that your "resentment" just shows how much you really care for her deep down in your heart, it has just been locked away for while.... open up your heart again to this child and follow the wonderful advice given by this Rustyswoman.......... she deserves one more chance at normaility with you and her father...
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