I need some support, and didn't know where else to go

[michickenwrangler]

I know a lot of us on here are telling the OP to leave her husband, but in his defense, I was married to a man like him. My husband rarely expressed emotions, I always felt insecure with his love because he so rarely expressed it. He would often roll his eyes at me if I cried over stuff that got to me but didn't really affect him. In the husband's defense, this "telling her not to cry" may be making him feel better.

I would hate to see the OP divorce him over advice on a forum. We are only hearing her side. If she cannot make her needs and feelings known to him, then perhaps they should try counseling.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Oh man, I didn't mean that at all!!!! My not wanting to meet him was not tme elling her to divorce the guy. THough I do believe he needs a swift kick in the pants in sensitivity department.

Ken is the same way, doesn't show emotion AT ALL. But he knows better than to say something to me when I am upset.

 

[redhen]

Just my opinion..
But not showing emotion doesnt equate to him being just plain old MEAN to her and hurting her. Hes being hurtful ..and i bet he knows it too..
My father dosent show emotion much at all... but hes not a mean person. Theres a difference..
Just my opinion, as usual...

 

[Chic-n-farmer]

I am so sorry for you.

I wish I had magic words to take away your pain, but I don't. I've lost two sons and my 29 year old brother. Grief can still drop me to my knees.

It sounds like your sister had a relationship with God and that means you are not grieving without hope of being with her again. I hope that comforts you.

Maybe it is hard for your husband because he can't fix your pain, and maybe he hasn't suffered a loss, such as yours, so he can't comprehend it.

 

[DTchickens]

I can in a way relate to you, I lost my grandfather August 27, 2010 to diabetic coma after he had come out of the hospital due to prostate and cancer in the bladder. He, my cousin, and I had plans to go fishing and hunting when he got better, but that didn't happen.

I can tell you, that when I walked into that bedroom where he was at and my step-grandmother was trying to get him awake I felt the overwhelming presence of God filling the whole house. It was so strong, I literally felt like falling to my knees. My grandfather went through a lot, and even died once on the operating table prior.. He told me of an out of body experience and how peaceful he felt, his words were along the lines of "You know, I always joked about going fishing in heaven.. But you feel so peaceful, you don't want to do nothing." In a long story short, I can without a doubt tell you, that your sister has that same peace he spoke of, and I felt. You mentioned she talked to you about faith, and God? So I am assuming she was saved, and you can rest assured she is in Heaven which is far better than anything we can comprehend.

We don't always understand why things happen, and we can believe that God never intended for there to be death- that is the consequence of sin in the world- as is sickness. But that is another story I reckon.

There has been times I have been upset with God, there has been times I lost faith in him.. But the interesting thing about it, is that when I was ready to give myself over to him and put my trust and faith in him.. Then he came through for me, even after all of the things I have done against him.. But again, that is another story.

-Daniel

 

[schellie69]

Grief takes time to work through to the OP please find a grief counselor or grief support group near you. You need all the support you can get, right now it does not seem that your husband knows how to deal with your grief and is not being helpful. I would find the support you need. If you can find a poem called footprints It has helped me many times when I realize God is not left me but is carrying me through the hard times. I think there are more issues then your grief with you husband and it does not seem to me he knows how to be a friend. That is what I am most thankful for in my marriage about all my DH and I are best friends and are each other rocks in times of grief or problems. If You need to talk feel free to PM me I just lost my grandma on Jan 10th of this year. I also do not believe that moving so you can get better internet will help your hubby find a job if after 3 years he is still not working there is something up with that. Some thing I also use in times of trouble is remember that this to shall pass the pain of grief will never go away but you do learn to live with a higher level of pain.Please try and find some kind of grief counselor or group near you I think that would help you a bunch. I am praying that you can find some peace.

 

[HeatherLynn]

Just as a side note, the husband getting upset could very likely have something to do with a trauma of his own. My husband doesn't get mad when I cry but he is a tad desperate and uncomfortable when I do. Many times he will just wander off if its too much. He suffered abuse from a macho man step father and is totally unable to deal with his own emotions at all. He totally shuts down and because this silent and seemingly hard person all of a sudden. When things are not so tender for the Op, maybe some serious talking may help. He may not know how to deal or feel totally helpless. During the stressful time is not a great time to resolve these things.

You have to mourn and you need to not lock out your sister. You both should be mourning together. Don't worry about burdening each other. Just let it out. If your both hurting, then there is no reason to hurt alone. If possible make some alone time when you can just let your emotions flow. You can avoid the marital turmoil and really focus on your own emotions.

 

[Elite Silkies]

I can't tell you what to do about your husband, I can't even relate to your situation. My husband is the first one to hold me up if I cry, but your husband may not know how to deal with emotions. He can't fix the problem and he doesn't like that.

I pray that your pain will ease soon

 

[dkvart1]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I will not offer any advice, other than that you seek a group that deals with grief. It is a many stepped process that we go through and it's helpful to have the support and understanding of others going through the process. There are many times we get "stuck"in that process and this is where a group can help you move through the stages.

Crying and feeling sadness are normal responses to a loss. When we cry we release chemicals that actually help us heal. So cry and cry and cry some more. Eventually the healing will come. But please, don't get stuck there as some often do.

I will share something I once heard about getting stuck for long periods in the devestation of our loss. It has helped me on more than one occasion move forward.

Every day that we spend crying we are actually marking the death of the person instead of honoring the life of that person.

It makes sense. Please, understand that does not mean quit crying. Crying is a part of the process, and it should start to diminish and not be as heartwrenching over time. If it's not, please find a good grief counselor or group to aid you in your journey through the grief.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Carols Clucks]

I am so sorry for your loss

Is there a support group for grieving anywhere nearby that you can join?

You do not need to move to get better internet for a job search unless the jobs he is looking for require the upload/download of work samples that are picture/video heavy. Even then, he could try a public library or university once a week for his job search.

If you want to keep your marriage, it sounds like you both need to get some counselling.