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Lothiriel said:
I really need one.
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On the craigslist thread, there's someone looking to rehome one:

Female English bulldog for adoption (READ EVERYTHING!!) (Charlotte, NC)


I am looking for a new home for Sophie, a 5-year-old English bulldog I recently--and unofficially--adopted from friends in Maryland who were evicted from their house. Unfortunately, after a few months in my house, it has become apparent that I do not have the time to give her the proper care that she needs. I am single and away 10+ hours per day for work, and it simply isn't fair to a very, very people-centric dog to have to spend the majority of the day alone. Sophie is very sweet, loves people and is great with kids. . .but she has a few, how should I say, caveats? This is NOT a dog for beginners. Here is a list of challenges you will face with Sophie. . .seriously, this is the Eric Cartman of dogs:

-She has housebreaking issues. She understands the concept of going outside, but she does not understand the concept of not going inside. It has been a constant battle, and sometimes she will go in the house shortly after going outside the house just for the hell of it I guess. I've spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on cleaning stuff and it is at the point where I have to sweep and mop every single day and then wait a half hour for the smell to go away, which is not what I want to do after sitting in an hour of traffic. This is usually followed by her pooping on the clean floors while I am in the shower (despite me letting her out as soon as I get home). My carpets look like someone took splotches of brown spray paint to them. At one point (two months ago), they were white.
-Good luck crating her. I tried crating her for a while, but she bites through the wires and tears at them with her paws. I came home one day to find her crate mangled with blood, teeth and nails all over the floor. Have fun!
-I tried putting her in my laundry room during the day with a bed, food, and even laid carpet down. Not only did she poop and pee in it, but she barked all day because she doesn't like to be confined, which made my neighbors happy.
-She is very dominant and, while she tolerates other dogs, will not tolerate them eating her food (aka any food in the house) or playing with her toys (aka any toy in the house).
-She will not stay off your furniture. 'Whateva, I do what I want!' I will push her off the couch, she will look at me for a second, then jump back on. I will push her off the couch, she will look at me for a second, then will jump back on. Rinse and repeat until you go insane. Also, she sheds like crazy, and my black couch has been pretty much ruined. I have to vacuum it every day, yet it still smells like bad-smelling dog. I have tried Chris Browning her, spraying her, yelling. . .nothing works. Sophie just don't give a sh*t.
-She likes to lick carpets (don't laugh, gutter mind). Lick. Lick. Lick. All night. Because she insists on sleeping within five feet of a human (or will bark all night otherwise), you will need earplugs, or be deaf. Both work. I have lost many nights of sleep over this. When she finally stops licking, she then proceeds to snore louder than someone trying to turn on a chainsaw.

So, there you have it. Again, this is a sweet, sweet dog who loves people, especially kids. I just can't handle her. I don't have the time, and the gray hairs on my 25-year-old head also show that I have simply run out of patience. My girlfriend left me shortly after getting this dog (coincidence?!?!) and it's impossible to have friends over because Sophie likes to poop with more people around, I guess she feels like she gets a combo bonus or something, and it's not fair to any future roommates. I tried my best with her, and don't think for one second I'm just some cruel jerk who doesn't care about her, because I certainly do or else I wouldn't have volunteered to take her out of a horrible environment; she has gained a good 10-15 pounds in the few months she's been with me, she has all her hair (which she had barely any before) and she has no fleas or ticks, whereas when I got her, she had freaking prehistoric fleas on her. Seriously, these mofos must've been from Skull Island or something.

So I do care about this dog, I care about her a lot. If I didn't, I wouldn't be trying to find a home for her that is better suited than mine, where she is alone all the time. And as hard as I've worked to train her, I just don't have the time to dedicate toward a futile battle anymore. She has no papers, and no vet records. I have begged and pleaded for shot records from the original owners but they have completely ghosted on me, so Sophie is the very definition of As-Is. She is also not fixed, and the last owners let her get pregnant (which is very dangerous for bulldogs) and her baby formula distributors hang very low. But I will not give her to just anybody. Ideally her new home:

-Will have a stay-at-home parent. This is a borderline necessity. She needs constant supervision or she will repaint your house brown and give all of your furniture an extra layer of white fur. Either that, or she will bark all day and get blood everywhere.
-Have had dogs before. Sophie is not an easy dog to take care of and will require more discipline and commitment than a baby human. Trust me on this. You may think you're the Dog Whisperer because dogs like you at parties, but one week with Sophie will convince you otherwise.
-Will have kids at home. Ideal, not required. Sophie loves kids, and kids love her (I guess because they like to poop and snore and lick things too. . .kindred spirits), so I'd like to see her go to a home with kids.
-NOT planning on breeding her or anything like that. She has had a rough life. She just needs to be loved and taken care of. If you even mention that you may want or even may think about breeding her, our conversation will end.

So that's it. Sophie is the ideal family dog, she really is, and again, I can't say this enough, but she is one of the most good-natured animals I've ever met. She is just very, very tough to care for. If you think you can handle it, shoot me an email telling me a little bit about your situation and include your phone number, and I will weed through my replies and call back whoever I think might be best suited. I'm not putting my number in the ad because I don't want to field calls from tons of Michael Vicks all day who think that because she's a bulldog, she's aggressive. Do some research on English bulldogs, read this ad carefully, and if you think you can handle it, then shoot me an email telling me why your home would be the best home.

Thanks for reading all this!

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