Instant 12 year old boy! Family/rules advice please?

[ECBW]

Booker81,

Each child is different. Some personalities are from birth , some are from environment. Even you have known he nephew in family gathering setting, there is still a lot you are not aware yet. Rules would be more effective when they are specific to the child's natural behavior and tendency. Explain to him why these rules are set, he does not have to like them but should understand.

As for chores, we found that rather than obligations, it is more relevant and effective when the chores are treated as life skill exercise. We do not necessarily assign chores but expect everyone to learn everything. At 12, depending on his maturity level, there should be a lot of chores he can help out and be proud of doing. All of my kids (foster or by birth) can do just about everything. They all know that when there is any chore and you are idling, you will be helping.

Guess what, laundry and chicken tending are the two most popular (easiest). Washing dishes is most unpopular.

Incidentally, taking out the garbage does not qualify as helping out.

 

[NewCitySong]

Here's my 2 cents...boys about that age (I have a 14 year old) want to be treated like they're grown - so I DO treat my son like that - But - I also make sure to mention that he's still "a young man" and he is obligated to obey since there is a reason he's still called a minor under the law. So basically I reassure him he's not a kid but he is still not completely mature. It takes the burden off his shoulders quite a bit.

and...

Make some type of daily physical contact - like a pat on the back or a "wrestle" type of quick hug from the side - just something. I think boys get neglected in that area, everyone needs to know they're still "touchable"- just not too much and not too long, something quick that says I like you and you're OK.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[jamesbwood]

I don't have kids but have been a univ prof. and have taught a few.

Here is my take on grades:

Grades open doors. Good grades lead to scholarships and standing out amoung your peers which leads to things like getting hired.

Find a way for him to personally care about his grades now. So when he is 18 and off at uni, you have already helped him connect the dots and made school relevant to him. He has to personally want to get good grades for it to stick. I've seen a lot of parents do all the right things and push their kids but when the day comes when mommy and daddy are not around, those same kids often flounder.

I remember many many years ago at my hs graduation when they were giving away degrees and annoucing scholarships - so and so has a full ride at West Point, valued at $X, so and so has a scholarship to . . . The kids next to me, kind of class clown, turned to me and said "I had no idea" right as they called my name for a scholarship to University of Florida. Maybe you take him to a graduation? Maybe you take him to different types of jobs and talk about the salary, benifitts and what it took to get there. . . I don't know - but find a way to make it relevant to him personally. That is my advice. He doesn't need to know what he will be as an adult - just that some options are generally more desirable than others and people that work at it (grades - or whatever the "game" is) are more likely to get what they want out of life. Remind him that he will be an adult soon.

And if he wants to be a mechanic, plumber or garbageman instead of the Dr., lawyer or pilot that YOU want him to be, fully support him in his choice. I've also seen kids messed up because their parents planned out their lives for them. Helicopter parents are not doing anyone any favors. Besides, we NEED mechanics, plumbers and garbagemen!

That's my advice on grades. Worth every cent you paid for it!

James
Highest Honors at UF
PhD from Dalhousie

 

[newfoundland]

Absolutely agree with jamesbwood. As a parent and grandparent I know the value of these wise words!

 

[kareninthesun]

Great comments! I have three boys and a girl, and the boys were much easier to raise. Advice? Listen more than you speak, have at least one night a week set aside for real game playing. Anything not electric since this opens lots of doors for communication. Although all the boys are different personalities, their mode of conversations (serious in sharing) usually start off with something nearly related to the true topic they are leading up to. It helps to mirror back in different words what you heard without offering opinion and waiting the steps to be directed. Especially at his age, with so much going on. It may take time for him to identify first his emotions and trust you with what is shared. He will probably need a sounding board and security and may even test the limits without knowing why he's doing it. So if you show that you are a safe place to do so without judgement, just accepting his emotions may help. Also, it may be a good idea to keep the school abreast of what is going on so that they can watch for any behaviour changes, or give him a mentor to ease him through this phase. Even if he is mature for his age, this is a big process and he needs to know that he isn't in it alone.

I took in a few foster teen boys, and they all turned out well. We still keep in contact.

Also, we had an open door policy, allowing any friends to come over at any time. This took a bit of time getting used to, but it helped form a routine for them knowing this was a safe haven to hang out at. Crazy sometimes. Loud sometimes. But I knew where they were. Also made sure that they were involved with sports and/or music. This helped with confidence, social skills, and pride in what they accomplished as teams in school. It taught responsibilites aside from home, how to balance responsibilities aside education.

Cooking is a fantastic way to bond quickly. The results are easy to see and affords opportunities to interact and share. Go see movies he likes. Cheat and read the Spoilers Alert first to know the movie beforehand and have openended questions you can share back and forth. My kids and I still do this, (without the spoilers alert) and it is as much fun as watching the movie to get their points of views.

Does he like to fish? My four year old grandson loves this. We don't catch much, but I learn to see through his eyes just by listening to him share of the passions and interests of a 4 year old.

Getting him his own few chicks sounds great. There's all sorts of things you can do to encourage, guide him on this interest.

 

[zookeeper15133]

Excellent advise. I had to go through the same thing. I would smell random body parts for soap!

Great stuff!!! I added a few things as 11 year olds seem to do things their own way ....

You also left out the shower every day ..... check the tub to make sure he is turning on the water as boys HATE to be clean

When you bust him after finding a dry tub, you must then check his washcloth as he will sit on the toilet and just let the shower run

When you bust him with a dry washcloth, the next step will be to smell his arms and make sure you smell soap

since he will then wash only his arms after being busted that way, you can try his back ,,, check his ears ,,,,(I am having flashbacks!

)


How do I know this you ask? We took in an 11 year old orphan boy almost 4 years ago and this is what we went through

OH! And I used to be an 11 year old boy

The good news is when they become teenagers, it's hard to keep them OUT of the shower

BTW ... he is still with us and we are blessed beyond measure

 

[ange92040]

 

[booker81]

Well - he lasted three days before something I don't think any surrogate family can handle - homesickness He missed his mom, his sister, etc. He did make it 3 days, so he tried, but so it goes. He'll have to move schools now and wear a uniform, but so it goes.

He did like my cooking though! Come summer, he might come out and stay a day or two at a time.

He did help out too, it was pretty nice and calm, but homesickness is a hard one to beat.

 

[ange92040]

Nothing seems to cure homesickness but going home. Maybe you'll be the Aunt's house he'll spend the Summer at and will tell his future kids about his time at his Aunt's house and her great cooking.

 

[jamesbwood]

I think this will end well.