Jokes any you can think of!

[ticks]

I know probably no one will reply but I kind a thread going for just jokes. Any appropriate jokes would be fine for this thread!

 

[ChuckenGirl]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"



--------------------

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

-----------------------------------

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying idiot told you I was speeding, too!"

------------------------------------

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

-------------------------------------------

 

[gypsygirl1421]

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."

 

[chicken_boy_Kurt]

 

[ams3651]

just got this one...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectlyformed.

Very confused , Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'



(folks, your gonna luv this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

 

[ticks]

ok here is one:
A woman was in her bedroom looking at her mirror. She said to her husband "wow the years have caught up to me, look how fat I am" the husband doesn't say anything. So she asks her husband if he can tell her something nice to make up for her being fat. The husband said "well, you have good eyesight"

 

[ilovemychickies]

Here's a blonde joke that my friend told me. It's the only joke I can think of at the moment.


---------------------

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead went into a store and stole some stuff. When the store manager called the police, they ran into a nearby barn. When they heard the police coming, the brunette hid behind a bag of dog food, the redhead hid behind a bag of cat food, and the blonde hid behind a sack of potatoes. When the officer passed by the dog food, the brunette said "Bark, Bark". "Oh, it's just a dog.", said the police officer. When he passed by the bag of cat food, the redhead said "Meow, meow". "Oh, it's just a cat." said the police officer. When he passed by the bag of potatoes, the blonde said " Potato! Potato!". She was caught.

 

[ticks]

thats a good one

 

[GaDawg]

Ed forgot his wedding anniversary. Edith, his wife of thirty years was not happy.

“Edward Smith,” she said in a no nonsense voice, “tomorrow morning when I look out in the driveway, I want to see my gift. And it had better be able to go from 0 to 200 in six seconds!”

The next morning Ed was up early in the morning; went outside and after a few minutes, drove away.

Later that morning, Edith looked out the window for her present. All she saw was a small gift wrapped package. She frowned, as she went out and opened it. A shiny new bathroom scale!

 

[ticks]

here I will pick on my own state for others laughter. here we go.

you know your from Vermont when................
You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground.
You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.
You think everyone from the city has an accent
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.