Just Need a Rant (Trigger Warning)

Willowhisp

Crowing
Oct 6, 2020
433
6,774
291
The middle of nowhere
Ok, I don't like doing things like this and I don't like sharing how I feel but I needed a place to rant and I didn't want to destroy an relationships I have irl... I'm gay, and biologically female, I dress male however and act male as well and feel a rush of joy when someone calls me a 'he'. I've come out as transmale for 2 years now and I also came out as lesbian (or if you want to think of it like that, I guess I'd be straight). But about 2 months ago, I met a guy and asked him out, he is very straight and weighs a whole 130lbs more than I do. I've been more feminine lately and even started wearing my hair down again. This hasn't really effected any of my relationships in any way, but it has effected my mind more than I care to let those around me think. Since I began dating this man I have identified as gender fluid and pansexual. (Gender fluid is not caring what people call you (i have no pronouns) and pansexual is the attraction to somebody not because of looks or gender but because they have an amazingly wonderful personality that you fall madly in love with). I really like him and I don't mind the change but at the same time I do... he says I'm doing a good job being female, even though I'm incredibly shy about it and slow with the transformation. I only date with the intention to marry and I definitely can see myself with him in the long run but I also see myself as male... I'm so lost and confused. On top of all this, I've had my meds switched several times in the past few months. I ran out of my anti-depressants the day before yesterday and it's weighing on me today. My mood stabilizer is supporting me somewhat along with my anxiety meds but without the antidepressants my head just spins. I've been diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Social Anxiety, and Insomnia. I was raised my whole life believing that I was worthless and unwanted. My mother was physically abusive for almost all of my childhood, and for the rest she was mentally abusive. I don't know whether it was my father or his brother in law the raped me continuously for a year when I was a young child of 5 to 6 and that puts a constant strain on my relationships with men in general. I lived with my grandfather for a time and he was both mentally and physically abusive, and my grandmother was the same way as my grandfather when I lived with her. I've lived in 4 states and lived in at least 3 houses in each state. I have absolutely no stability in life, I was raised to hate myself by a mother that had me when she was just a teenager, and I want to die almost every day. There are the good things in life, like when my mom wasn't sick and we used to go places together, when my mom is in a good mood... I love my boyfriend but I am terrified every day that I am just a burden to society and that I just drain on him. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have a lot of things in life that I have to take care of that keep me from killing myself but it gets so hard sometimes... I always have something on me, ready to kill myself which is terrible for me seeing as I have ADHD and severe poor impulse control. Every day hurts so much and my head just feels like it's spinning. I want to bang it repeatedly into a wall until I am no more... It's like feeling nothing and felling absolutely everything at the same time. I hate myself for being like this... I look at the world as a whole and I don't see a point. I don't see a point to anything... no matter what we do, how much we think we accomplish, it never really means anything. There are so many possible impossibilities and none of them have a point... nothing matters.. and the scary part is that I don't see that through my depression, I simply look a that as pure fact...

I'm sorry.....
 

LEMAYTXCKNCOUNSELOR

Songster
Premium Feather Member
Oct 23, 2021
215
1,056
153
I'm so sorry that you are struggling. You are dealing with so much, I think it would be ok to unpack all this one thing at a time. Unfortunately many of us feel empathy but are not qualified to help you properly. Do you have access to a mental health professional who can walk alongside you as you do this?
 

Willowhisp

Crowing
Oct 6, 2020
433
6,774
291
The middle of nowhere
I'm so sorry that you are struggling. You are dealing with so much, I think it would be ok to unpack all this one thing at a time. Unfortunately many of us feel empathy but are not qualified to help you properly. Do you have access to a mental health professional who can walk alongside you as you do this?
I'm stuck being poor and not being able to afford the gas necessary to travel somewhere for my counseling appointments, my psychiatrist refuses to answer me in that I've run out of my antidepressants, and over all, I just needed to rant.... I have a really hard time reaching out to people irl
 

LEMAYTXCKNCOUNSELOR

Songster
Premium Feather Member
Oct 23, 2021
215
1,056
153
I'm stuck being poor and not being able to afford the gas necessary to travel somewhere for my counseling appointments, my psychiatrist refuses to answer me in that I've run out of my antidepressants, and over all, I just needed to rant.... I have a really hard time reaching out to people irl
I understand. But I am glad you did because it's important to know that you are not alone, and none of the things that you are struggling with are insurmountable but if everything hits you at one time it can be overwhelming and paralyzing. You may be able to access resources through your county mental health center. You could also contact the alliance for mental health for low cost referrals. You are worth it.
 

LEMAYTXCKNCOUNSELOR

Songster
Premium Feather Member
Oct 23, 2021
215
1,056
153
Start here. This is the NAMI. You don't have to suffer or go through this alone. I'm wishing you all the best.
 

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Willowhisp

Crowing
Oct 6, 2020
433
6,774
291
The middle of nowhere
I understand. But I am glad you did because it's important to know that you are not alone, and none of the things that you are struggling with are insurmountable but if everything hits you at one time it can be overwhelming and paralyzing. You may be able to access resources through your county mental health center. You could also contact the alliance for mental health for low cost referrals. You are worth it.
Thanks, I think I'm going to stop the new med... or go on a lower dose of it... a lower dose, paired with my antidepressants seemed to work fine but the full dose with it left me entirely too groggy, but now with the full does and no antidepressant... I just want to break down... I just can't today...
 

LEMAYTXCKNCOUNSELOR

Songster
Premium Feather Member
Oct 23, 2021
215
1,056
153
Thanks, I think I'm going to stop the new med... or go on a lower dose of it... a lower dose, paired with my antidepressants seemed to work fine but the full dose with it left me entirely too groggy, but now with the full does and no antidepressant... I just want to break down... I just can't today...
Please get guidance on your medication from a professional. Much of what you are dealing with may be a result of discontinuing your medication. The body is complicated and a clinician can help you navigate this.
 

Willowhisp

Crowing
Oct 6, 2020
433
6,774
291
The middle of nowhere
Please get guidance on your medication from a professional. Much of what you are dealing with may be a result of discontinuing your medication. The body is complicated and a clinician can help you navigate this.
it's not my fault I couldn't take my antidepressant, I know I need it but my psychiatrist has not responded to my many notifs that I am in fact out of them... I know I need a professional's opinion and I want/need to talk to her but she's so hard to get ahold of... I really just can't do/deal with anything today... I don't think it's ever been this bad

Please get guidance on your medication from a professional. Much of what you are dealing with may be a result of discontinuing your medication. The body is complicated and a clinician can help you navigate this.
 

JustBabyMargo

Daydreaming of Polish!❤️
Premium Feather Member
Jul 7, 2021
4,360
17,403
731
Oregon
Ok, I don't like doing things like this and I don't like sharing how I feel but I needed a place to rant and I didn't want to destroy an relationships I have irl... I'm gay, and biologically female, I dress male however and act male as well and feel a rush of joy when someone calls me a 'he'. I've come out as transmale for 2 years now and I also came out as lesbian (or if you want to think of it like that, I guess I'd be straight). But about 2 months ago, I met a guy and asked him out, he is very straight and weighs a whole 130lbs more than I do. I've been more feminine lately and even started wearing my hair down again. This hasn't really effected any of my relationships in any way, but it has effected my mind more than I care to let those around me think. Since I began dating this man I have identified as gender fluid and pansexual. (Gender fluid is not caring what people call you (i have no pronouns) and pansexual is the attraction to somebody not because of looks or gender but because they have an amazingly wonderful personality that you fall madly in love with). I really like him and I don't mind the change but at the same time I do... he says I'm doing a good job being female, even though I'm incredibly shy about it and slow with the transformation. I only date with the intention to marry and I definitely can see myself with him in the long run but I also see myself as male... I'm so lost and confused. On top of all this, I've had my meds switched several times in the past few months. I ran out of my anti-depressants the day before yesterday and it's weighing on me today. My mood stabilizer is supporting me somewhat along with my anxiety meds but without the antidepressants my head just spins. I've been diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Social Anxiety, and Insomnia. I was raised my whole life believing that I was worthless and unwanted. My mother was physically abusive for almost all of my childhood, and for the rest she was mentally abusive. I don't know whether it was my father or his brother in law the raped me continuously for a year when I was a young child of 5 to 6 and that puts a constant strain on my relationships with men in general. I lived with my grandfather for a time and he was both mentally and physically abusive, and my grandmother was the same way as my grandfather when I lived with her. I've lived in 4 states and lived in at least 3 houses in each state. I have absolutely no stability in life, I was raised to hate myself by a mother that had me when she was just a teenager, and I want to die almost every day. There are the good things in life, like when my mom wasn't sick and we used to go places together, when my mom is in a good mood... I love my boyfriend but I am terrified every day that I am just a burden to society and that I just drain on him. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have a lot of things in life that I have to take care of that keep me from killing myself but it gets so hard sometimes... I always have something on me, ready to kill myself which is terrible for me seeing as I have ADHD and severe poor impulse control. Every day hurts so much and my head just feels like it's spinning. I want to bang it repeatedly into a wall until I am no more... It's like feeling nothing and felling absolutely everything at the same time. I hate myself for being like this... I look at the world as a whole and I don't see a point. I don't see a point to anything... no matter what we do, how much we think we accomplish, it never really means anything. There are so many possible impossibilities and none of them have a point... nothing matters.. and the scary part is that I don't see that through my depression, I simply look a that as pure fact...

I'm sorry.....
I really wish I could say something to help you and to just make all the bad things go away, but I can’t, and it’s hard. I just want you to know that people do care. You’re an amazing person @Willowhisp . You really are. I’m really sorry that I can’t be of more help. You just need to know that you are loved, and people do care.
 

LEMAYTXCKNCOUNSELOR

Songster
Premium Feather Member
Oct 23, 2021
215
1,056
153
it's not my fault I couldn't take my antidepressant, I know I need it but my psychiatrist has not responded to my many notifs that I am in fact out of them... I know I need a professional's opinion and I want/need to talk to her but she's so hard to get ahold of... I really just can't do/deal with anything today... I don't think it's ever been this bad
Many clinicians will not refill an RX without being seen. If you are willing to see a new doctor that is what I recommend. Please start by calling the helpline and explain your situation.
 

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