Willowhisp
Tarantula Lover
Ok, I don't like doing things like this and I don't like sharing how I feel but I needed a place to rant and I didn't want to destroy an relationships I have irl... I'm gay, and biologically female, I dress male however and act male as well and feel a rush of joy when someone calls me a 'he'. I've come out as transmale for 2 years now and I also came out as lesbian (or if you want to think of it like that, I guess I'd be straight). But about 2 months ago, I met a guy and asked him out, he is very straight and weighs a whole 130lbs more than I do. I've been more feminine lately and even started wearing my hair down again. This hasn't really effected any of my relationships in any way, but it has effected my mind more than I care to let those around me think. Since I began dating this man I have identified as gender fluid and pansexual. (Gender fluid is not caring what people call you (i have no pronouns) and pansexual is the attraction to somebody not because of looks or gender but because they have an amazingly wonderful personality that you fall madly in love with). I really like him and I don't mind the change but at the same time I do... he says I'm doing a good job being female, even though I'm incredibly shy about it and slow with the transformation. I only date with the intention to marry and I definitely can see myself with him in the long run but I also see myself as male... I'm so lost and confused. On top of all this, I've had my meds switched several times in the past few months. I ran out of my anti-depressants the day before yesterday and it's weighing on me today. My mood stabilizer is supporting me somewhat along with my anxiety meds but without the antidepressants my head just spins. I've been diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Social Anxiety, and Insomnia. I was raised my whole life believing that I was worthless and unwanted. My mother was physically abusive for almost all of my childhood, and for the rest she was mentally abusive. I don't know whether it was my father or his brother in law the raped me continuously for a year when I was a young child of 5 to 6 and that puts a constant strain on my relationships with men in general. I lived with my grandfather for a time and he was both mentally and physically abusive, and my grandmother was the same way as my grandfather when I lived with her. I've lived in 4 states and lived in at least 3 houses in each state. I have absolutely no stability in life, I was raised to hate myself by a mother that had me when she was just a teenager, and I want to die almost every day. There are the good things in life, like when my mom wasn't sick and we used to go places together, when my mom is in a good mood... I love my boyfriend but I am terrified every day that I am just a burden to society and that I just drain on him. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have a lot of things in life that I have to take care of that keep me from killing myself but it gets so hard sometimes... I always have something on me, ready to kill myself which is terrible for me seeing as I have ADHD and severe poor impulse control. Every day hurts so much and my head just feels like it's spinning. I want to bang it repeatedly into a wall until I am no more... It's like feeling nothing and felling absolutely everything at the same time. I hate myself for being like this... I look at the world as a whole and I don't see a point. I don't see a point to anything... no matter what we do, how much we think we accomplish, it never really means anything. There are so many possible impossibilities and none of them have a point... nothing matters.. and the scary part is that I don't see that through my depression, I simply look a that as pure fact...
I'm sorry.....
I'm sorry.....
Old straight guy here married 57 years to the human being I like more than any other that I have ever met. You are not your past or the deficiencies in how you have been treated. That's a bag of crap you carry over your shoulder to remind you of where you do not want to return. I have an adopted, Asian, pansexual granddaughter (not certain on these terminologies) that is working her way through all of this self identity. I tell her just be you and accept no limitations. I wish the same for you. I applaud you for unloading all of this and hope that wherever you find yourself grow in joy and accept no limitations.
