Just Need a Rant (Trigger Warning)

Willowhisp

Crowing
Oct 6, 2020
437
7,208
321
The middle of nowhere
Ok, I don't like doing things like this and I don't like sharing how I feel but I needed a place to rant and I didn't want to destroy an relationships I have irl... I'm gay, and biologically female, I dress male however and act male as well and feel a rush of joy when someone calls me a 'he'. I've come out as transmale for 2 years now and I also came out as lesbian (or if you want to think of it like that, I guess I'd be straight). But about 2 months ago, I met a guy and asked him out, he is very straight and weighs a whole 130lbs more than I do. I've been more feminine lately and even started wearing my hair down again. This hasn't really effected any of my relationships in any way, but it has effected my mind more than I care to let those around me think. Since I began dating this man I have identified as gender fluid and pansexual. (Gender fluid is not caring what people call you (i have no pronouns) and pansexual is the attraction to somebody not because of looks or gender but because they have an amazingly wonderful personality that you fall madly in love with). I really like him and I don't mind the change but at the same time I do... he says I'm doing a good job being female, even though I'm incredibly shy about it and slow with the transformation. I only date with the intention to marry and I definitely can see myself with him in the long run but I also see myself as male... I'm so lost and confused. On top of all this, I've had my meds switched several times in the past few months. I ran out of my anti-depressants the day before yesterday and it's weighing on me today. My mood stabilizer is supporting me somewhat along with my anxiety meds but without the antidepressants my head just spins. I've been diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Social Anxiety, and Insomnia. I was raised my whole life believing that I was worthless and unwanted. My mother was physically abusive for almost all of my childhood, and for the rest she was mentally abusive. I don't know whether it was my father or his brother in law the raped me continuously for a year when I was a young child of 5 to 6 and that puts a constant strain on my relationships with men in general. I lived with my grandfather for a time and he was both mentally and physically abusive, and my grandmother was the same way as my grandfather when I lived with her. I've lived in 4 states and lived in at least 3 houses in each state. I have absolutely no stability in life, I was raised to hate myself by a mother that had me when she was just a teenager, and I want to die almost every day. There are the good things in life, like when my mom wasn't sick and we used to go places together, when my mom is in a good mood... I love my boyfriend but I am terrified every day that I am just a burden to society and that I just drain on him. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have a lot of things in life that I have to take care of that keep me from killing myself but it gets so hard sometimes... I always have something on me, ready to kill myself which is terrible for me seeing as I have ADHD and severe poor impulse control. Every day hurts so much and my head just feels like it's spinning. I want to bang it repeatedly into a wall until I am no more... It's like feeling nothing and felling absolutely everything at the same time. I hate myself for being like this... I look at the world as a whole and I don't see a point. I don't see a point to anything... no matter what we do, how much we think we accomplish, it never really means anything. There are so many possible impossibilities and none of them have a point... nothing matters.. and the scary part is that I don't see that through my depression, I simply look a that as pure fact...

I'm sorry.....
 

Ebony Rose

Crowing
12 Years
May 26, 2009
2,632
5,983
471
David, Chiriquí, Panama
I wouldn't get overly hung up on how you choose to label your sexuality. Really. It's okay to prefer one gender over another for awhile and then switch. Honest. The heart wants what the heart wants... and most of us simply want to be loved unconditionally. If your partner does that for you, then does it really matter what genitalia they possess?
 

sourland

Broody Magician
Premium Feather Member
12 Years
May 3, 2009
129,114
417,118
2,027
New Jersey
Wow. :hugs Old straight guy here married 57 years to the human being I like more than any other that I have ever met. You are not your past or the deficiencies in how you have been treated. That's a bag of crap you carry over your shoulder to remind you of where you do not want to return. I have an adopted, Asian, pansexual granddaughter (not certain on these terminologies) that is working her way through all of this self identity. I tell her just be you and accept no limitations. I wish the same for you. I applaud you for unloading all of this and hope that wherever you find yourself grow in joy and accept no limitations.
I wouldn't get overly hung up on how you choose to label your sexuality. Really. It's okay to prefer one gender over another for awhile and then switch. Honest. The heart wants what the heart wants... and most of us simply want to be loved unconditionally. If your partner does that for you, then does it really matter what genitalia they possess?
Well said, and I concur 100 %. Love is ------------------
 
6

629522

Guest
I'm so sorry that you are struggling. You are dealing with so much, I think it would be ok to unpack all this one thing at a time. Unfortunately many of us feel empathy but are not qualified to help you properly. Do you have access to a mental health professional who can walk alongside you as you do this?
 

JustBabyMargo

Shelly the crossbeak❤️
Premium Feather Member
Jul 7, 2021
4,942
25,624
831
Oregon
Ok, I don't like doing things like this and I don't like sharing how I feel but I needed a place to rant and I didn't want to destroy an relationships I have irl... I'm gay, and biologically female, I dress male however and act male as well and feel a rush of joy when someone calls me a 'he'. I've come out as transmale for 2 years now and I also came out as lesbian (or if you want to think of it like that, I guess I'd be straight). But about 2 months ago, I met a guy and asked him out, he is very straight and weighs a whole 130lbs more than I do. I've been more feminine lately and even started wearing my hair down again. This hasn't really effected any of my relationships in any way, but it has effected my mind more than I care to let those around me think. Since I began dating this man I have identified as gender fluid and pansexual. (Gender fluid is not caring what people call you (i have no pronouns) and pansexual is the attraction to somebody not because of looks or gender but because they have an amazingly wonderful personality that you fall madly in love with). I really like him and I don't mind the change but at the same time I do... he says I'm doing a good job being female, even though I'm incredibly shy about it and slow with the transformation. I only date with the intention to marry and I definitely can see myself with him in the long run but I also see myself as male... I'm so lost and confused. On top of all this, I've had my meds switched several times in the past few months. I ran out of my anti-depressants the day before yesterday and it's weighing on me today. My mood stabilizer is supporting me somewhat along with my anxiety meds but without the antidepressants my head just spins. I've been diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Social Anxiety, and Insomnia. I was raised my whole life believing that I was worthless and unwanted. My mother was physically abusive for almost all of my childhood, and for the rest she was mentally abusive. I don't know whether it was my father or his brother in law the raped me continuously for a year when I was a young child of 5 to 6 and that puts a constant strain on my relationships with men in general. I lived with my grandfather for a time and he was both mentally and physically abusive, and my grandmother was the same way as my grandfather when I lived with her. I've lived in 4 states and lived in at least 3 houses in each state. I have absolutely no stability in life, I was raised to hate myself by a mother that had me when she was just a teenager, and I want to die almost every day. There are the good things in life, like when my mom wasn't sick and we used to go places together, when my mom is in a good mood... I love my boyfriend but I am terrified every day that I am just a burden to society and that I just drain on him. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have a lot of things in life that I have to take care of that keep me from killing myself but it gets so hard sometimes... I always have something on me, ready to kill myself which is terrible for me seeing as I have ADHD and severe poor impulse control. Every day hurts so much and my head just feels like it's spinning. I want to bang it repeatedly into a wall until I am no more... It's like feeling nothing and felling absolutely everything at the same time. I hate myself for being like this... I look at the world as a whole and I don't see a point. I don't see a point to anything... no matter what we do, how much we think we accomplish, it never really means anything. There are so many possible impossibilities and none of them have a point... nothing matters.. and the scary part is that I don't see that through my depression, I simply look a that as pure fact...

I'm sorry.....
I really wish I could say something to help you and to just make all the bad things go away, but I can’t, and it’s hard. I just want you to know that people do care. You’re an amazing person @Willowhisp . You really are. I’m really sorry that I can’t be of more help. You just need to know that you are loved, and people do care.
 

Sapphire Sebright

Mad Maker of Miniature Hats
Jun 22, 2019
12,989
113,878
1,356
Everyone has pain, others hide it better than others, I can be a master at times, I know. But there's a sick kind of joy in knowing that there are others that are going through and have gone through what you are. A sick kind of happiness that someone else is enduring the pain we are. And that in itself is hurtful... that we find joy in the fact that someone else is in the same amount of pain that we ourselves are in...
It's gladness born from knowing that there is someone out there who understands what you're going through. Someone who can relate to you and knows how you feel. It makes you feel less alone in the world because there's someone who you can talk to who will understand.
For example, I have type 1 diabetes. I don't wish it on anyone, but I'm always happy whenever I find someone else who has it because they understand what I'm dealing with in a way that nobody without it can.

Don't beat yourself up over being happy to have found someone who you can relate to. It means that you aren't alone. It's tragic what happened to you and them, but at least you have each other and can be understood -- you aren't alone.

I'm bad at putting this into words, sorry. Point is, don't feel bad. Talk to us. We'll be here. I, personally, will probably be in and out of this thread, but feel free to kick me anytime you want to talk.
We're here praying and hoping for you, Willowhisp. :hugs
 
6

629522

Guest
Something else that may cheer you up is some pictures from my thread! The link is in my signature. I made a thread about a month ago for a sunset/sunrise/scenery contest. I announced the winning pictures today! Go check it out! You'll be amazed at the beauty :love
If you can't find the link, here it is: https://www.backyardchickens.com/threads/sunset-sunrise-scenery-pic-contest-pt-2.1496229/page-21
Results start on page 21 and continue onto page 22. Hope you enjoy ❤️ 🌇
I just looked. Absolutely stunning pictures. And I love the hat on the guinea. Not sure if my Karen will tolerate that, she's still flighty but she tweets at me and will eat out of my hand.
 
6

629522

Guest
it's not my fault I couldn't take my antidepressant, I know I need it but my psychiatrist has not responded to my many notifs that I am in fact out of them... I know I need a professional's opinion and I want/need to talk to her but she's so hard to get ahold of... I really just can't do/deal with anything today... I don't think it's ever been this bad
Many clinicians will not refill an RX without being seen. If you are willing to see a new doctor that is what I recommend. Please start by calling the helpline and explain your situation.
 

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