Marriage, Blended-Family, Special-Needs Kids, Farming (UPDATE)

[ChikeeMomma]

punk-a-doodle -- I just wanted to say I do get what you are getting at.

The author is speaking on communication and on feelings. For example, intimacy. To many guys intimacy is sex. To alot of ladies it is affection (hugs, kisses, etc). It's that kind of thing. And, no, not every man and woman thinks the same as the next. He goes onto say if you do not show your wife the kind of affection (and any other needs) she may desire then she will not want to put forth the effort for your needs. I can say that I felt this way plenty of times!

Alot of husband's find it quite charming to be a bit grabby (if ya know what I mean

). We are not a piece of meat! The author talks about how that does not appeal to women. My hubby is guilty of that as are many others that I know. I would rather not be grabbed at while in the kitchen, thank you!

It is about communication. Maybe I could have been better at explaining it.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Chickmomma: if it the book where in the last chapter, a woman who speaks with the author is told to have sex with her husband (which she does not want to do), and he uses a quote from Jesus as justification, then yes. If not...maybe it is a different book from the same author? I do not want you to feel my reply was an attack on you at all, and hope you do not, and tried to word it as softly as I could about a topic (gender stereotypes that are often proven to be culturally driven rather than the actual differences that do exist...ie. Men have better spacial awareness on a biological level...sexual grabbiness is cultural which is seen at workplaces where women in a position of power grab the men's privates!) that I do feel deserves to at least be looked at in depth.

. I totally get that you were merely suggesting something out of concern for the OP and a strong desire to help (completely admirable), and hope you understand that I'm just making a suggestion in turn for those it applies to. oftentimes, we become our deep, cultural upbringings, or happen to mirror them, and this book will help in those cases. I will say that if you pull out the concepts that communication is key...that there is a universally awesome message.

 

[ChikeeMomma]

Quote:
I went and looked I don't see what you are speaking of. We are through chapter six and there hasn't been any mention of that sort of thing. Kinda bummed if he's got other books out there that contradict what he's saying in this one. I so far have found it to be about communication and becoming one another's strongest suppporter/friend.

Glad we had this talk punk-a-doodle.

We are communicating!

 

[MyKidLuvsGreenEgz]

Quote:
I am actually going to use baking soda and vinegar. Right now my hands are kinda raw (I won't get gross with a full description) so I'm using gloves but even those have this chemical in them. The chemical is in almost all personal and household cleaners, gloves, paper products, printer ink and so much more. It's horrible. (I wrote about it in my diet blog at http://veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com/2011/06/itchy-and-hot.html )

I take all comments with the spirit with which they were intended: helpfulness. So no hard feelings but lots of appreciation.

 

[ChikeeMomma]

Here's a link to homemade cleaners that I like: http://chickensintheroad.com/house/crafts/simple-green-homemade-cleaners/.

I just use a vinegar and water mixure to mop floors, too.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Chikee: Hm, now I'm seriously curious if I even am thinking of the right book. There are so many similar titles out there, and it would NOT be the first time I confused something. Imagine my confusion as a kid when I heard the IRA carried out a bombing....and I though they meant the IRS.

This may call for a trip to the bat cave/public library, cause now I just want to know.



Sorry for the thread hijack GreenEgz...got some more questions and suggestions, but have to get them all put together first. I am still really curious about what the heck the therapist meant though, and why she would tie the hours of the day your husband is gone with being practically divorced? Maybe I just missed something, but I can't even see where they are coming from on that.

 

[MyKidLuvsGreenEgz]

Thanks for the cleaners link. And really, I don't mind the hijacking... hijack away! Maybe others might be interested in that book.

Had several talks with Hubby this weekend. Tried to bring up the therapist. He said "Yeah, I noticed you had a big attitude about her." I explained (as calmly as possible) that once she started in with the "yes, you ARE separated" shpiel (sp?) every few minutes, I absolutely started disliking her. I didn't mention this thread but did bring up that people who are deployed aren't considered separated, and he started arguing with me about THAT?!?!

Tell me, you people who are married to a military person who is deployed overseas, does that change your marital status in the service to "temporarily separated"? Legally, I mean? He's adamant that he's right, even tho his term was 18 months and about 30 years ago.

We didn't have a LOT of arguments this weekend but as usual, the ones we had were about stupid things, like how my son carried a bag of groceries! HuH?

Oh, and get this ... although I recently learned that his mom doesn't care for me because of how he and I interact, and really doesn't like my son because he isn't into things she expects kids his age to be in to, somehow I'm supposed to be fine with that, and still want to go over to her house and talk nicey-nicey. But why on earth would I want to go where my son is not liked? He gets enough of that from his peers but a step-grandmother? I'd rather stay home and play Uno with him while HE spends time with his mom. We'll go over Thanksgiving and Christmas but otherwise ... ... but no, Hubby hates that. "Why can't you get along?" We got along until I found out she doesn't like me and my son.

"Why can't you just listen to her?" Yeah, right. She raised a 50 year old who still thinks there's a clean-clothes and clean-dishes fairy, and food magically cooks itself, and bills pay themselves because money magically appears in the bank account. And SHE still ferries around her ex-husband (divorced 15 years) because no body else will.

Deep breath. Okay. I feel a little better.

 

[HeatherLynn]

So he wants to consider you guys separated? He needs to be clear on where he thinks things stand and which direction he thinks they should go. You can be clear on those too. Then the 2 of you can look at if there is a path that both of you can be on.

I would not take my child regularly over to his mothers. She is no relation to him so its not like its a huge loss. My MIL acted that way for a bit with her biological grandkids simply because they were mine too. She did not see any of us for almost 4 years. That was at her sons insistence. I guess it depends if she is obvious with her dislike. If he wants you to visit then I would insist on having a talk about her dislike and get it out in the open. He would probably change his mind on the visit at that point.

 

[debilorrah]

Can I just say that situations like these make me very glad that Ken's parents passed on before we met. In-laws and step's can be a nightmare. I also was lucky enough to meet Ken after the kids were pretty much grown. Youngest was 17 then.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

While it is hard to know the full situation from reading it online, honestly, I've seen a list of things you have done to try to work towards better understanding. Apart from going to therapy with you, I haven't heard a single thing your husband has done, in fact, he is insisting you are separated? Again, maybe I'm missing something, but it sounds like the therapist and husband are saying you are separated because of the hours gone? If they are saying you are separated because you two seem to have very different values and outlooks on life, okay, I get that. But, it still seems odd to me that said husband would *insist* you are separated. I mean, is he saying, I feel separated, so let's do this to work it out?" Or is it more "yup, separated, and I'm right", or "yup, separated" and no expression of sadness about or wanting to change the situation? If not the first option, well, let's just say that I personally would not do well with that.

I come from a military family. My dad was gone for sometimes over a year at a time. It was very stressful on everyone, sure, but my parents were still very much still married. The only people I've seen use the "zip code law" (when the girlfriend is away, it's full license to, er, play) are guys (and girls) who I choose to stay very, very far away from. Is that really what the therapist said? Because...that would be...hmmm, not very therapeutic.

How did you learn about his mom? Is this something husband told you? If so, sounds like manipulation. I told my husband about my parents' extreme disapproval of him, but that is because we have a very honest relationship where we share everything. It was not "my parents disapprove of you so I'm right that you need to change", it was "my parents disapprove of you...man, I really understand why you are not comfortable around them". How was this brought up, and how was it used? If a family can not support each other, and help protect each other from unfair pressures of others (Wait...you mean...you mean that a kid with autism and a host of other disorders....isn't like other kids!?!?!? Shock!), then as you know, things are not alright.

The information that things have worsened with your son after this marriage started is bad news to me. Especially with the social impairment skills he has from autism, he needs a supportive environment where mom isn't the only person he has positive contact with. When dad and grandma are very negative and critical contacts, that needs to change. Either by them growing up and expanding beyond their own little preconceived notions, or by finding a way to have your son interact in a positive environment that does not include them. Is this same criticism directed at you? Do you, say, never clean the goats out correctly, or is the milk never on time according to your husband? And yes, the fact that your husband drinks the goat milk and does not want anything to do with their care or related chores strikes me as also being a case of you actually having *two* children.

Speaking of chores, did anything happen with the chore sticky notes?

Alright, lastly, here is my honest opinion and what I have personally found to be true about relationships. There are a few characteristics that I've seen in relationships I would call strong, positive, and rewarding. And, I'm not speaking of how many years people have been together, I mean these things seem to determine the quality of the relationship for both spouses. (And even though my husband and I married, we are both very critical of marriage. We have found the people we've seen be the happiest had the relationship independent of the marriage, if that makes sense?)
-Honesty: When you feel you have to hide things, that points to a lack of security, either with yourself, or with your spouse. If you can't talk openly, the next important factor won't be there.
-Communication: I've seen relationships work between two people who spoke different languages. If you can't find some way to communicate your needs and to share things with each other, it's hard to build a solid relationship.
-Respect: Both respecting the person you are with and having them respect you.
-Trust: Such an important one.

Now, I'm not saying these things all have to be right there at the get go...I had huge trust issues going into our relationship, and my husband had huge communication issues. But, over the years we actively worked on those until I'd say they are no longer there. But, it definitely takes both people to work on those.