MIL rant...I know I shouldn't do it....

[Spookwriter]

My father in law lived his last few years with us. And you know what...
I'm so glad that he did. I loved him, and I think that in his own way he
was proud of me. He and I were closer than his relationship with either
one of his children, including my wife.

In all our years together, I never called him Dad. He was simply "Chief".

As a young man, I married his only daughter. Never once thought about his
growing old. Even when my mother in law passed away many years ago, Chief
lived on his own. We talked with him on the phone, when over once-twice a week.

Called him one day and he didn't answer the phone. Went on a hour or two, he still
didn't answer. Stopped what I was doing, went to his house.

He was laying in the floor, stroked out.

While he was in the hospital, either my wife or I were there ALWAYS. Day or night, around
the clock. Lost the use of his right side, his left arm lost in an accident years ago. He was in
pretty bad shape.

There was a short family meeting to discuss whether or not to put my father in law in a nursing
home for the rest of his life. That wasn't a choice I would allow.

He lived with me. My wife simply lived with us...but the Chief lived with me.

Yes, we had a few trying times. There was give and take on both sides. I know it wasn't in his
plans to live with us. But life happens. It's how we accept it that makes the difference. There were
certainly times when he would say cruel things or be bitter towards us. And times I would have to
take a walk.

Because it didn't matter how he treated me. I don't answer for that. But I do answer for the way I
treated him. Just as I answer for the way I treat my wife, my daughter. I had to speak with Chief a
few times on what was acceptable, on what I would accept as a man, as a caregiver, as a husband
and as a father.

I took care of his every need. From the time he woke in the morning untill he went to bed at night. Some
nights when he wasn't resting well, I even spent in the rocking chair in his room. My wife really did help
when and where she could. It wasn't all me. She's been with me in all that I've ever done.

I work from home, so I had the time. Made our home wheelchair acceptable. Did away with anything in
his way. My office was the only room he couldn't get it. But he would set in the doorway and talk.

But it wasn't about making him conform to my way of life. No more than I was going to accept his life. It
was back to that give and take, to find the life for all of us. He loved to mow the grass. So I would carry
him out, tie him on the riding mower and let him have at it. He drove, I walked beside him. When he got tired,
I would carry him back. We learned to use a walker together.

We went out to eat. So I had to help him. Big deal. Sometimes he made a mess of it. Big deal. We tipped well.
One restaurant tried to put us in the back, out of sight. I wouldn't allow that. Didn't allow people to shame him,
or make him feel shame. He was my father.

We went places to please him. Car rides for the pleasure of being out of the home. Go watch the river roll. Made
it a point to take him to where he used to work, so he could hang out with his own friends.

And he came to understand that I would do all I could for him. And in return, I demanded that he be as reasonable
as he could with us. That there would be problems, and we would work through them together. I never once wanted
him to feel as if he were a burden to us. We used to ride the golf cart together. Going nowhere together.

We got our hair cut together, we went fishing. Hung out with his friends. Took him to the doctors. I like to think we
were really pretty good buddies. But, I made him go shopping with us. Made him relearn to feed himself, dress himself,
clean himself.

Money started out as an issue. Settled that by showing him I wasn't after his money. He lived here on my nickel. He kept
his checkbook with him. My wife and him took care of his checkbook, his bills.

We kept his house intact untill his death. Made it a point at least once a week to take him "home". That was where his stuff
was. He had a room here, and whatever he wanted from his own home. But he also had his own home. He didnt' live there,
but it was still there for him.

I'm sorry if this seems so long. But the thought I want to leave you with is that it takes alot of give and take on both sides.
I'm sure our parents never intended to be a burden to any of us. They can't help growing old. And I miss him today. His passing
was hard on me.

I'm going to close now, with the same words I told him so many times...

It was my honor, and my privilege, to be with you today.

 

[gritsar]

 

[bburn]

Quote:
How wonderful that you had that time with him and were able to have it be both a memorable experience but an honorable one also. My situation is quite different from that. There are nice people in this world and there are not nice people. If this were my mother and she acted the way this woman acts towards either my grandchildren, my children, my stepchildren or my Dh.....I have no doubt that I could stop it by simply discussing it with her. There is no explaining it or discussing it with this woman. Understand this also, I was a hairdresser for almost 30 years.....I had a very diverse clientele. Lots of young people on up....but my favorite people were the elderly people whose hair I did. I have always liked older people and gotten along with them. And for the most part I get along with my MIL. But, she cannot be mean to everyone she cares about and expect them to enjoy coming around. I have to choose how I can handle this and I will....I simply needed to vent and probably needed to hear most of what was said. I am not doing this woman wrong. Our history together only goes back 6 years. She has never been an easy person to be around. She only gets worse. You know...there are people who are in a bad mood once in a while and you can put up with it. But being mean spirited is a little more difficult to deal with. Understand also that I don't have nor have I ever had a problem with older people.....in fact, I have always enjoyed them. THIS is not the same as someone that simply gets in a bad mood. I will deal with it and will continue to do what I know needs to be done for her.

 

[Slinkytoys]

I can empathize with you. My belief is that people's personalities melt down or concentrate. If they were grumpy, picky and generally have a "dirt brown" attitude, you really can't expect them to be sunbeams as they age. Bodies ache, memories start to fade, friends die; old age is not for sissies.
Caretakers can only suck up so much, then resentment and sheer exhaustion sets in. It seems that those who are nasty and manipulative can live forever, or at least it seems like it. My MIL was a lady up until the end, still saying please and thank you to the hospice aides. She had Alzheimers Disease, but was a gentle lady all her life. My FIL was a Scottish businessman, let's just say he wasn't my MIL.
Just remember, this too shall pass. Do what you can do so you can look at yourself in the mirror, let the other stuff roll off. Don't be the hero, designate to the other family members. It sounds like they will step up if you force them to do so. Give hubby a hug and a kick in the butt.
Best wishes to you.
Slinky

 

[cassie]

What about an Assisted Living facility. Are there affordable ones in your area? It sounds like she is in a regular apartment and she needs a higher level of care.

 

[Mattemma]

I would hook her up with eldercare services in your area,and no longer be at her beck and call. Dh can meet her needs on his time.

In the least cut your visits from 3 days to one day a week. Do things for her on that one day. If she gives you a hard time tell her that you will not tolerate her abusive behavior and leave.

I don't mind helping people either,but life is to short to spend it being abused in any way. We often put up with it because it is family. I won't anymore.

Best wishes to you and dh.

 

[bburn]

Quote:
Hook her up with Elder Care....sounds easy. We took the paperwork in on March 17. FINALLY yesterday I found out who her caseworker is and left her a message. She called when I was outside and said she could not discuss her case with me until MIL signed paperwork putting me on as a person she can discuss it with. So this morning, with everything else I need to do I have to run by there and pick up that paper, get her to sign it, and take it back. We are TRYING on that one.

Yes, she definatly needs Elder Care. Once that starts that will put someone in her apartment at least a couple of days a week. That will help because I think one of the things that person can do is insist she get out and walk while she is there. WALKING would help her the most. And I have told her that. Even got her the walker with the seat in it so she can turn around and sit if she needs to.

I figure today she and I will have a meeting of the minds. Don't think I am going to be mean to her.....I will however be firm. I raised a special needs child by myself from age 2 to 20.......I can get my point across without being mean. Being FIRM is what I excell at. You can raise a special needs child and let it grow up to be whiney and gooey or you can raise on to grow up and be strong and able to face the world around it. I am telling you, my daughter rocks it! It is funny....this woman backs down quick when you confront her on what she has done. With me. But with her daughter it is totally different. She is the one that gets the brunt of it all.

Her daughter is coming tonight.
My stepdaughter is going to start stopping by on Tuesdays.
I have my BIL's phone number. There is him, his wife and his neice. He is the only adult in that home working. That leaves two adults that can start coming once a week.

Just talked to my DH last night and the job he is on has gone from 35 days to 60 and now they are talking 100 days! If I am going to do this....take care of MIL....I AM going to have some help. Just getting started.......

 

[sheaviance1]

Imagine-living your life, on your own, the way you like, doing whatever you want, when suddenly, out of nowhere, you are old, you fall, and take a debiltating injury, you hurt, you cannot do for yourself anymore. You are told that you can no longer live on your own, moved to a new place with little choice, where you know nobody except your family, who doesn't seem to want you, who are burdened by you, and you are being told how much a burden you really are. You are unable to go and do the things that you enjoy, life, suddenly isn't worth living. Who wouldn't be bitter.

Sorry, but sometimes it helps to see things from someone else's eyes, even if those eyes are a little bitter and jaded. I'm not judging you, but simply pointing out something that may be overlooked here.

When my Momma was battling lung cancer, she was, understandably, not the loving, kind, gentle-hearted woman I used to know. She battled lung cancer for eight years, and lost. What helped me to get through this very long, very emotional, very physical, very draining eight year period of time, was the realization that while it may be an inconvenience and a struggle for me to deal with, what was it for her? It was her impending death!! She is giving up her very life, and not suddenly either, slowly, a little bit at a time. Gone is the abiltity to use her hands to bake a loaf of bread, now they are twisted and locked into agony, gone is the ability to see the beautiful world we live in, a sunrise, a sunset. Gone is the desire to have company and chit-chat, who can fit that enjoyment in between bouts of nausea so severe that your ribs are bruised from hunching over a toilet. The life itself, is unbearable, but something that she clung to. She will cease to be, all of her hopes and dreams, gone, her future, gone, her very life is going away. Your MIL may not be suffering as greatly as my Momma did, but she is still facing her very mortality. Don't let yourself be mistreated, but with my Momma, it helped us both to delve down into the source of her resentment, her bitterness (and mine) and get it all out on the table. I was extremely angry with her for being sick and dying. I wasn't ready to give her up yet.

 

[Wifezilla]

Imagine-living your life, on your own, the way you like, doing whatever you want, when suddenly, out of nowhere, you are old, you fall, and take a debiltating injury, you hurt, you cannot do for yourself anymore.

I am almost 48. There is no "suddenly". You feel age in your energy levels, your joints, etc... I know I will be old and unable to do the things I do now. That is just reality. I think there is "denial" and "sense of entitlement". But there aint no "suddenly".​

 

[GaNewChick]

Quote:
The best post in this entire thread to date. Thanks for sharing and putting some common sense, compassion and humanity into the situation. I think we all want to be treated with dignity when we grow old. There is no greater feeling when walking away from his service, knowing that you did everything you could do to make his last years the best for him ~ and in the end, it made you a better man.