my birth mom is a nut!!

[boaz]

There are several things to consider:
Children model what they live, not necessarily what they are told. If the home situation is destructive, it is best to let children live in a healthy, loving home.

Exodus 20:12 "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you. There are many references in the Bible to this ideal, nowhere does is say this command applies to only good fathers and mothers. I am very close to someone whose father beat her regularly and she still shows him respect and honors him. I admit this is a really hard one. Forgiving those who don't ask for it is another tough one to do and in some cases even after they ask for it. Forgiveness is for the asking and certainly for the giving, it is easy to forget; however, the consequences of our actions are eternal.

I wish you the best!

 

[WriterofWords]

You don't mention that I read how you got back in contact with her. I have an adopted child within my immediate family, this child has no idea they are adopted and I don't know that the parents will ever tell them. My suggestion is this: If you are truly that unhappy talking with her then don't do it because it isn't good for either one of you.

 

[rhondapiper]

I'm adopted, and live in a state where it's nigh impossible to get your file opened, and there are no matches for me in any registries, so I haven't met my birth parents.

When I got old enough to have kids myself, I realized what a kind and generous thing my birth mother did by giving me up, and how difficult it must have been for her.

I haven't met her, but if I do, I'd keep that in mind. Even if she's a screwup, she's a screwup who gave me a chance at a good life. Sorry you're having a hard time relating to your birth mother. She may tell you all this because she feels guilty about giving you up and wants to justify her decision. Maybe if you thank her for what she did, it would smooth things over? (I see you've told her the right thing was done, but maybe that isn't exactly what she wants to hear? Maybe she even wants to hear that you think she could have been a good mom if her circumstances had been different? It's a tough situation all around)

 

[fowler_chick]

i found her again a few months ago on a doctor advice, my youngest son has had medical problems, he's only 18 months old... i'm 37 year old and thought thing's would of changed by now...it didn't...most adopties will want to search for a birth parent to feel complete or to know who i am type thing....that wasn't the case for me, i guess my parents ( i never refer to them as my adopted parents) did such a good job at raising me that i don't feel incomplete.

 

[Judy]

Quote:
You're not required to understand her, where she is coming from, and most certainly, why she gets mad. She is in no way your responsibility. This sounds like one of those situations in which knowing the biology of your birth was not beneficial to you, although necessary for your child. Don't let something you had no control over, mess up your children and family. You are not responsible for your biology, and you are not required to have any relationship with her that you don't want.

You are free to walk away.

 

[nop169]

I am sorry that you are unhappy with your birth mom. I know it is hard for you to understand her but I urge you to not cut her out of your life. Give her time & we will pray it works out so both of you can be comfortable with each other.
As a married man (40) with three children (2 took in as teenagers fostered) (1 adopted from birth) - I understand the frustration of the child & birth parent. I also understand the frustration & agony of the "parent" who raised the child.
In our case - my youngest daughter is now a 10 year old - well adjusted child. Smart & beautiful & knows she was adopted. She is bi-racial & we are caucasian. We taught her that God loves variety. She was a blessing & is a blessing from God on our lives & we Thank God every day that her young mother made the choice to allow us to raise her child as ours.
Our older children are out on their own now. Our oldest daughter is 24, married and has a 14 mos old daughter now & is doing well. Our son is 23 and still trying to find his way through his conflicting emotions. We haven't seen him in 10 mos or heard from him. I only know he is alive & healthy & it kills us... but all we can do is love him from afar & give him back to God - who gave all 3 of them to us.
Praise God you were raised by loving parents & try not to judge to harshly your birth mom's mistakes. It takes time for people to let go of their guilt just as it took time for my older daughter to forgive her birth parents & accept that she is a loveable person. Once she did that she was able to move on in her life & be healthy & happy. Just pray our son can do the same someday. As for the 10 yr old - she knows she is a princess & our heart & soul.

 

[pokey]

i am 39 now . i met both mine when i was 15. i am glad i can check this experience off my bucket list so to say, but i wish i had not met my father. what an ass.......he told me he knew i was his but he would never claim me. he looked me in the eye and at 15 told me this. it hurt me for a long time and then it made me stronger. i started looking at the people around me that did love me and welcomed me into their lives. this is the substance of family and what a real parent is made of. i have a sister that i have contact with on my mother's side, but my fathers side has been cold and acts if my birth was my fault. so i do not have contact with them but i do not lose sleep at night over it. i was loved as a child, i was raised by caring people who taught me about living right and if my birth father decided he'd rather not be part of a life he created then it's his stupidity, not mine.

 

[Elite Silkies]

Well, I am in tears now, and very emotional. My heart goes out to everyone, and I am glad that you all were given such wonderful lives.

I could not imagine life without my kids, but I do respect people who have given their children up for adoption, because they could not give them a good life, but I know it must have been the hardest thing they have ever had to do in their lives.

I was a single mom at 21 and I know it was very hard, his biological father wanted nothing to do with him. He is now 14 years old, and has maybe talked to his biological father a handful of times, and I know that he has a million questions, but will not ask. My husband took my child in as his own and adopted him, and has given my son a wonderful life, and my son only knows my husband as daddy and his biological father as Jason. My son does visit his BF's family and loves them dearly. His grandparents live right across the street from us, and visits them all the time.

I gave my son his own options as I think he is old enough to make his own decisions, and he has chosen not to talk to his BF much as he doesn't think he is a very good person, but I try to assure him that we were both young, and grown up now, and that he should not live in the past but in the future.

I think that each person is different in the way that they find themselves, and I think that within time he will let his BF in his life, but I have not pushed him nor held him back. He will find his own time in his heart.

It bothers me to think that my son may be hurting inside, and I have ask him several times and he says that he is fine and has no questions, but I am sure he does.

I have a half sister that wants nothing to do with me, and it bothers me.

 

[Carole AM]

I was adopted too, and very thankful. I never got to meet my birth mother, but I have met one sister. I didn't feel the connection there either. Birth mother was divorced when she had me, so I went to another family who really wanted me. I wouldn't change it.

 

[Vanderfelt]

I don't believe the OP should feel at all obligated to talk to her birth mother, some people are toxic and try to weasel their way into your life in order to get a hand-out. It sounds like the OP's mom doesn't want to help herself and she is trying to be the "victim" being "forced" to give her up, and dwelling on the past, angry that her daughter had a good life without her. The OP should feel no guilt about cutting her out of her life. She doesn't owe her a thing.