My leukemia's back.

[Blooie]

 

[ronott1]

Blooie, I normally mention Dd #1, and Dd #2, but I rarely, if ever, mention Dd #3.

Dd #3 is adopted. Her grandmother had mental issues, had been in, and out of institutions for years. All of her children, sooner or later, were placed in foster care. The mother of Dd #3, had mental issues as well. When she was on medication, she was ok. It's when she went off her meds, that she would begin to self-medicate with alcohol, and substance abuse.

Heather was 2 when she came into my family's lives. It took us 7 years to adopt her. She was a great kid. She's always been smart, energetic, outgoing, and very likeable. When she turned 16, she began having minor mental issues. By the time she was 17, she had put me through hell, and was showing more signs of mental issues. Her pediatrician, and I made arrangements to have her evaluated by someone he thought was very good, and could actually help. Just prior to her appointment, she insisted she didn't want to live with me anymore. She thought she was in love, and had convinced her boyfriend's family that I was horribly abusing her. She thought they were going to let her move in with them. It didn't work, and they wouldn't let her move in, so she ended up moving in with her dad. Even he was not prepared to deal with what she had become. I didn't see her for a few years.

A few years later, when my dad was dying, she went to KY to see him, and that's the first time I ever saw my first granddaughter. She was about a year old. Things between us went well, so the relationship continued when we got back home. She was often needing a babysitter, which gave me an opportunity to bond with my granddaughter. I eventually learned she was having me babysit when she was cheating on her husband. She was lying to me.

She called one evening, and had me pick her, and my granddaughter (granddaughter was not quite 2 yet) up from their apartment. When I got there, she was disheveled, and claimed she, and hubby got into a huge fight. Not only did he hit her, but did it in front of my granddaughter, upsetting her terribly. I brought her to the apartment Dh, and I were living in at the time. Dh is a deputy, and was working day shift then, so he was not home. I told her she needed to figure out if she was going back to her hubby, or report the abuse, get a restraining order, and a divorce. She opted for the latter. The deputies came, took her statement, took pictures of where she claimed he hit her. During the process, Dh came home. He told the deputies he didn't know anything about it, and could not be involved in any of it. He went into another room, got on his computer, and stayed there. In a bit, the deputies were going to arrest her hubby, and wanted us to follow them, so she and my granddaughter could get back into their apartment. She, my granddaughter, and I followed them. It went smoothly.

The next evening, she and my granddaughter came over. She said her mother-in-law was coming to see my granddaughter. Her sisters were already at my place, and we all told her it was a bad idea, at this time. Nope, she insisted. When her mother-in-law came, she was crying that she would not be allowed to see her granddaughter. Heather, my daughter, told her that my granddaughter could go spend the night. Again, we warned her this was NOT a good idea, at this point, but she let her mother-in-law take my granddaughter. At that point, I was told I would never be allowed to see my granddaughter again. It ripped my heart out and hurt in ways I didn't even know possible. It took 3 years before I got to see her again.

She, and her hubby began working things out. When it came time to go to court about the charges against him, she told the judge that her husband was normally a very good person, but he was off his meds. She further told the judge that she did not really want to press charges, however, her step dad, my husband, not only insisted she press charges, pressured her into it, and told her what to say. She lied.

The judge started an investigation into Dh, because it's illegal for a deputy to do what she told the judge that he did. The first he found out about the investigation was when he went to work, and was sent home. He was in his 50's at the time, and had been a deputy for over 16 years. Here he is, totally innocent, and being threatened with losing his career, because of her lies. Fortunately, the two deputies that handled it, confirmed he was not home from work yet, and went into another room, so he had no part in it. His bosses confirmed he was at work that day, and what time he left work, which was too late for him to be involved with influencing her prior to her calling it in.

At that point, I cut all ties with her. 1. I had learned that the mother-in-law, being very well off, took complete care of my granddaughter. My daughter only took care of my granddaughter when it suited her. I told my daughters that Heather did not really want the responsibility of raising my granddaughter, she just wanted to play mommy when it was convenient for her. Had she pressed charges on her hubby, mother-in-law would have cut the purse strings. My granddaughter was simply a pawn for her mother to use.

2. Her lies almost cost my husband his career. At 50+ years of age, with over 16 years invested into his career, it's nearly impossible to start over. It's would have cost him, not only his career, but all the benefits he'd accumulated towards his retirement. She was willing to lie, and ruin a man's life, over her greed, and drama. I vowed she would never be allowed back into our lives again. I've kept that vow.

A couple years later, she and her hubby finally got divorced. He got primary custody of my granddaughter, and she got some visitation. About a year after the divorce, the mother-in-law reached out to me. I got to see my granddaughter for the first time in 3 years. She was just about to turn 6.

God forgive me, but in healing from the hurt of never being able to see her again, I put up bit of a wall, so I could never be hurt that bad again. Yes, I was so glad to see her, but I was unsure if I'd ever see her again, or if at some point, once again, I would not be allowed to see her again. I suspect my granddaughter did some of the same thing. We had been very close. I know she begged everyone in the family, including my other daughters to please take her to see her favorite grandma. She cried when she was told that they couldn't. I do get to see her occasionally, but our relationship will never be what it was.

It's not about forgiving her. She is forgiven. Forgiveness doesn't change her though. It changes me. That doesn't mean she's not just as toxic as ever. She is. Even though she's forgiven for the things she did in the past, that does not mean I have to open the door to her, so she can do more of her damage again in my life.

I'm sorry you have had to go through the things you did, Blooie. Don't ever think any less of yourself, if you decide to close the door on that relationship. You did your part. She's the one that's unworthy, not you. Sometimes you have to close the door on a person that's unworthy, to protect yourself, and your love ones from them.

I'd like to add that, while I wish my daughter no ill will, and would be very glad if she got her life straightened around, I don't hope that she gets straightened out, so we could have a relationship. That door is permanently closed.

Mental illness hurts so many around the sick person.

You were wise in protecting yourself

 

[N F C]

Mental illness hurts so many around the sick person.

You were wise in protecting yourself

x2!

 

[oldrooster]

yes, mental illness hurts, and so does stupid ignorant people. at least the mental illness they can't help it....

 

[Blooie]

yes, mental illness hurts, and so does stupid ignorant people. at least the mental illness they can't help it....

And if they could be “normal”, they would much prefer it. One morning Terri was crying when I went up to get her from school. I asked her what was wrong and her answer stunned me. She grabbed my hand, squeezed it hard and asked, “Mom, do you know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not know if this is the day you’ll be a devil to everyone around you or get to be your real self? I hate this....it owns my life and I can’t fix it. I’m scared, Mom. I’m scared I’ll either hurt someone or I’ll be good but everybody will be too afraid of me to even talk to me.” I knew then that she wasn’t in control, the illness was, and I knew that I would spend the rest of my life trying to help her. Turning her away now is not what I ever envisioned, but I have to.

 

[getaclue]

Blooie, . The love doesn't stop, regardless. The hope doesn't disappear, regardless. Knowing their illness controls them, and they're not happy either, adds to the frustration, and feeling of helplessness felt by those that love them. It's devastating to allow them in your life, and devastating to shut the door. It's a no win situation all the way around. There came the time though, that for my own preservation, and to protect my loved ones, I had to be honest with myself, and shut the door on the relationship.

While I am not you, nor am I in your exact situation, I do understand quite a bit of what you're going through. Try not to beat yourself up over it too much, and reach out when you find you're doing so. -Cheryl

 

[Blooie]

Blooie, . The love doesn't stop, regardless. The hope doesn't disappear, regardless. Knowing their illness controls them, and they're not happy either, adds to the frustration, and feeling of helplessness felt by those that love them. It's devastating to allow them in your life, and devastating to shut the door. It's a no win situation all the way around. There came the time though, that for my own preservation, and to protect my loved ones, I had to be honest with myself, and shut the door on the relationship.

While I am not you, nor am I in your exact situation, I do understand quite a bit of what you're going through. Try not to beat yourself up over it too much, and reach out when you find you're doing so. -Cheryl

 

[N F C]

Good morning Team Rachel

 

[sourland]

Good morning, Team Rachel.

 

[getaclue]

Good morning Team Rachel. I hope everyone has a blessed day!