My mom the negative one... kinda long rant

[SophieLain127]

So my mom is always negative. I say I want to homeschool and she says that it won't be good for my daughter because she won't be around other children. I say we want to start remodeling our house and she says it will be too much work and I should move. I have a bad day or I'm ticked at my husband for some stupid reason and her first words out of her mouth are "you'll always have a home here" I say that we've not started potty training yet (27 months) and she says "why not you were potty trained by the time you were 18 months." I can't say anything without getting some negative comment. If our house isn't spotless clean when she comes over she always says soemthing like "wow didn't have time to clean up or wasn't that sitting there last time?"

So my husband and I have started to discuss and go through the motions of getting a small family farm. The places we are looking at are at least 2 hours away and I've not mentioned a word to her. The older I've gotten the more I can't stand to talk to her. I grew up in a negative household and I'm sick of being in one. She wants to tell me how to raise my daughter which I suppose would be fine if I think she did a good job with me but I think she didn't. I'm sorry to say this about the woman who raised me but what is one to do?

So pretty much the plan unfortunately is to buy the property move down there then tell her we are officially moving.

 

[gritsar]

I feel for you so much!

I moved to Arkansas 5 years ago and left all of my highly dysfunctional family back east.
I've never been happier!
Whenever I call my elderly Dad, he starts with a "checklist", telling me everything I've done wrong in my life starting with not being able to take PE in high school. Hello! I have two large tumors on my spinal cord that have been there since birth! Maybe just maybe that has something to do with not being able to take PE 30 years ago????? During our last conversation he proceeded to tell me how foolish I am for having a wedding next month, albeit a small one. He thinks that just because I have been married before this marriage shouldn't mean anything to me. Nowadays I keep my calls to him short and sweet and find an excuse to get off the phone before he can start downing me. And it's not because he's elderly that he does this. He's always been this way, starting with the fact that I wasn't born a boy.

Anyhow, not trying to steal your rant. Just wanted to let you know I think you are doing the right thing.
Just because they're family, doesn't mean they can't be toxic.
If you ever need to vent privately please feel free to PM me. I promise you I will listen and understand.

 

[HummingbirdandMatt]

I feel your pain. My mom is the same way. If it's not her way, it's wrong. Nothing is ever good enough. Everytime I share what's going on in my life she picks it apart and spends the rest of the conversation telling me how stupid it is. It's gotten to the point that I don't share anything with her. I love my mom and she's not a bad person, it's just how she is. What can you do?

Cora

 

[Chirpy]

I don't usually respond to these threads but... you must be my long lost sister! Hi - I'm so glad I found you!

So, my mom's is EXACTLY the same way - only my mom makes snide little comments about everything I or my husband does ... it's always wrong. Anywho... after we'd been married for about 8 years I'd had enough. I am NOT confrontational at all, so I wrote her a letter. It took me several days and my husbands help to write it - it ended up being about two pages long. I explained some things and then ended by telling her that either she stopped criticizing, judging and negatively commenting every time she talked to us or that she would no longer be welcome or allowed in our home. I mailed the letter and called my stepdad (who we love to be with) and told him about the letter and that he would need to be with her when she read it because it was going to be hard for her.

It was - she called and apologized and things really were much, much, much better for many years. Then... it started again and even got worse. (I think menopause had something to do with it.) By then, she lived 3000 miles away so I didn't have to deal with her that often and thus we just grit our teeth and lived with it. However, about a year ago I'd just had enough. I found that I was literally getting so tense and upset when I knew that I had to see her (or even talk on the phone with her) that it was affecting my family so... my husband stepped in (with my permission - but he is the head of the house) and called her and told her that was it. She was never to come here again unless she shaped up and said NOTHING negative or critical when in our presence. She said she had no idea that she'd been doing all that or that she upset me so much... maybe that was true. She came out for my sons graduation last spring and talked to me about it. She cried and apologized and seemed to really mean it. It's been a year and I'm actually enjoying talking to her on the phone. She hasn't said anything inflammatory in this whole year! So, we'll see what the future holds. I'd love to have this kind of relationship with my mom forever... but it will take a long time before I believe that.

By the way, my brothers refuse to see her or talk to her unless it's a have to situation as she does the same things to them.

I wish you the best... make your move to the farm... enjoy your children (and DO homeschool if YOU want to - it's great) and, maybe, you or your husband needs to write a letter or have a very frank talk with your mom.

edited for missed word

 

[SophieLain127]

Thanks so much talking to you guys made me feel tons better. I wrote this after a visit to drop off Sophie's (my baby girl) easter pictures. The first thing she said was "oh wow so much clutter" I explained to her that we had scheduled for some people off craigslist to come pick up some items so we pulled them out of the garage and put them in the living room for easy access. Then I told her some of the people didn't show up. She rolled her eyes and said "You shouldn't be selling things to strangers anyways." Luckily my dad (who is the best step dad ever) told her "Sam's a big girl and does this safely." She just rolled her eyes. I avoid her alot now that she works till 7pm. I still visit my dad during the day but I always leave before he picks my mom up from work.

So I grit my teeth smile for my daughters sake and hope to heck she doesn't make it worse.

 

[Godsgrl]

I'm sorry you aren't getting along with your mom. I understand how you feel, though, and the best bet might be to move away. She might change, or not, but at least you are further away if she doesn't.

I like to write stories, and by my opinion, they are pretty good. One day just after Easter, I called my mom and read her my latest story. She loved it, and told me again that I need to get published. So I agreed, and she starts emailing friends of hers that have been published.

She forwards these emails to me, so I have an idea how to get started. In one of these emails is a conversation she had with one of her friends about me. She wrote, " I don't think Cheri has a chance to get published, but she should give it a try."

Um, thanks a lot. I see how much confidence you have in me.

My husband is peeking over my shoulder, and he wants me to tell you (and myself) to use this negativity as a strength, a building block to accomplish what you want to do.

Good luck!

 

[gaited horse]

move further and don't tell her

 

[hikerchick]

Wow. I moved about 90 miles away from home to get away from just that kind of thing. My mother was exactly the same way. It took me years to begin to believe in myself and sometimes (I am 52) I still struggle.

My daughter gets my loving support every step of the way.

 

[Dawn419]

I can sympathize as my grandmother is much like your mom and lives 10 minutes from us.

I do absolutely everything I can to help her and no matter just how much I do, it's never enough!

My mom called awhile back and let me know that she has added my name to her property out in Arkansas so as soon as it is financially possible, we'll be moving out to the family farm.

Grandmom will be the last one to know!!!

Dawn

 

[farmerlor]

Sis!!!! All I can say is that sometimes, sometimes, they mellow out a little when they get older. Mine has actually mentioned a couple of times in the past couple of years that she's proud of me and loves me. No REALLY!! 'Course she's 71 and I'm 50 so you may have a little waiting ahead of you. In the meantime you're doing the right thing. The negativity and self doubt it causes is not helping you or your family.