My neice/godchild is making me angry

[Mamachic1967]

I suppose we all have family members that stor the pot. It's trying to cope with their bad behaviors that makes it hard. I often wonder how one in a family can be so different from the others. I think of living far away from my family as a blessing because I would literally be sick if I lived near them and had to live my life around them. Its a control thing; trying to run you any way they can. Don't give in, stand your ground and do what makes you happy. You're the better person for making the effort.

 

[jaxsteph]

Quite frankly, that seems like the common attitude for most people these days. While I think we all need to be kind to one another in whatever way we can, I don't think you need to be a doormat. If you know that it's going to cause an issue for you to speak up then don't, and as for removing her from Facebook, can you just ignore her comments and not read them? Or just go off of Facebook altogether--believe it or not life does continue without social media. Actually it leaves you with a lot more time in your day to be productive.

What I really want to say, however, is this: You are not responsible for how people respond to your choices. If you are being respectful rather than purposely mean and hurtful, but are saying/doing something that needs to be said/done then you have done nothing wrong. Their response is their problem, not yours.

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, including a mother who is mentally ill. I want to respect her and honor her, and I've had to learn what that means. It means honoring her choices. If she chooses to act crazy, that is her choice--I don't judge her for it or put her down for it. However, I also do not allow her to visit my home as it would not be good for my young children. It's not easy for me to have to keep her away from her own grandchildren, but she is making her choice, and I am making mine. I still call her every week to check on her, and we have long and pleasant conversations. I love her. But I will not sacrifice the health of myself or my family so that she can "feel better".

In the same way, I do not take responsibility for the emotions of other people. If I have done what I needed to do, in a way that is kind and thoughtful of others, it is not my fault if my choices upset them. Does that make sense? I am responsible for me. They are responsible for themselves. I'm responsible for my emotions and responses to the people around me (for letting them get under my skin, or make me angry, etc.) and they are responsible for their emotions and responses to the things I do.

Do what you need to do to be healthy, and don't be afraid to do the hard thing if it's necessary. Life is too short to spend it upset and stressed out over something petty.

 

[Blooie]

I'm old enough to remember the original Ann Landers advice columns. One thing she would say over and over again is so true - "No one can do to you what you don't LET them do." You're in charge of your life, who you let in and who you escort out.

Nuff said. Hug yourself a bit - sounds like you need it!

 

[Mamachic1967]

Thank you for your message. Believe it or not my neice is still making atempts through facebook to come and stay with us again. I was on fb daily, now I go on once a week. And frankly I don't miss it. It really does take up a lot of time, I agree.

You a strong and smart woman to take control of the relationship you have with your mother. Therapy taught me a long time ago that I need to set boundaries with my family and I was getting very good at it. But now that I live 8 hrs away from them and miss everything familiar, I am finding that I'm beginning to turn back into that old doormat again.

I agree that it's not worth being upset or stressed over something petty but for me it's years of repetitive behaviours in my family that I keep hoping they've changed. They don't. I am the one changing. And be as it may that I want and need familiarity and family, I don't need the negativity, he manipulation or disrespect. When my neice hints so much about coming here again, I act like I'm oblivious to what she's getting at. Or I respond with short nice answers, not allowing myself to get pulled into their drama. I think because I haven't come right out and said Would you like to come, my sister (her mother) is now acting upset with me. You're right I can't control how others react or feel, I can only control how I do. So, little by little I cut them out of my life like I did for many years. I'm healthier that way. I contact them when I want and not feel obligated to cater to their every whim. I will not be what they expect me to be.

I am learning more about my limitations and tolerances and knowing how our family reacts to confrontation, I will not say anything negative or even bring up the issue as it has always backfired in the past. If it is brought up to me (the issue of her visiting or why I haven't invited her), I will handle it like another member on here suggested; 'this isn't a good time' and hope that will be the end of it.

Coming from a dyfunctional family, I am dysfunctional myself, but I am learning to change certain behaviours like allowing others to take advantage of me or treat me poorly.

I appreciate what you said and I hope with time and circumstances I will learn to not allow others to affect how I feel or grow as an individual. Thank you for your message.

 

[Mamachic1967]

Thank you for the nice message. Yes, I could use a hug or two for sure. Great quote. I am learning how to scort a few bad seeds from my life and have contact or the relationship I want to have with them. Easier, less stressful and healthier for me. Thank you again for your message.

 

[jaxsteph]

Well, it sounds like you're on the right track, and figuring out how to set healthy boundaries. It takes time, and practice, and a strong backbone, and the help of Jesus--seriously. You'll get there. What is that they say? The first step is to recognize the problem. You've already done that, so you're well on your way!

Regards.

 

[Mamachic1967]

Thank you. I agree with time it'll get easier for me to get stronger. My god is mother nature and my animals. They give me the strength and peace I need. Thank you for your message.

 

[Outpost JWB]

Glad you are on the right track. Stand your ground. I've had to cut 1/2 of my family out due to bad situations. I am not on facebook. With over 100 chickens, 9 rabbits, 2 dogs, 1 cat, 4 kids, 2 grandkids, and a job, Who has time for facebook?

I spent my earlier years trying to smooth everyone over and make sure I was on their good list. Now, I just don't care. The stress of making sure everyone gets along is gone. Like me or not. I really don't care.

Your God child needs to grow up and maybe a good dose of tough love is what is needed. Unfortunately many people do not realize or care about the loved ones they hurt, until that loved one is gone. Take care of you. Don't let added stress in your life.

 

[Mamachic1967]

Thank you. I'm working on it. It's tough cause I'm needing family support right now in my life, but my family are just not the right people to get support from. I am definitly getting the cold shoulder from my neice, but I'm still being nice. I always said, I can be the bigger person. I won't play the game. I've done it long enough with my family I won't do it with her either. Funny thing is I could talk till I'm blue in the face trying to make them understand why I feel like I d and it won't change a darn thing. Toxic families are bad and unhealthy. I just have to learn how to let it go and not feel bad if they're mad at me. Hoping the learning process doesn't take too long

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

I read somewhere recently that we have the power to make ourselves happy and to do what we need to do to adjust our emotions. We can't help how others feels or react to things. We can however, decide who to expend energy on and who not to. I don't know if that's helpful at all, but it was helpful for me recently when I was struggling with some relationships of my own.