My turn to rant a little... grrrr.

[6chickens in St. Charles]

Quote:
But it takes all kinds to make a world full of people.

Maybe expecting every male on this planet to be a proficient handyman is kind of like expecting every woman to look like Cindy Crawford? I know there are things in this life I can never be good at, but other things I can ROCK. Maybe she's with this guy for very good reasons, none of them handiness with plumbing? Nothing wrong with figuring out a life together as a team effort.

My 2 cents.

Let me guarantee you that Sourland is anything but a 'proficient handyman', but when my wife married me I told her that would guarantee her food to eat and a place to live for as long as we were together. I have been able to provide far more than that and feel that when a man commits to another they should accept those responsibilities entailed in the relationship. It's worked for 47 years and hopefully it will last for many more.

Ah-Ha, there it is! So you told your beloved that you would guarantee her food to eat and a place to live, and your beloved accepted your offer, and 47 years later all is well, Hmmmm?

So what if this OP agreed that her dearly beloved's offer of (insert whatever it is here) was agreeable to her, but this poorly plumbed abode was a surprise? It could happen. Maybe his offer had more to do with sharing literature, flying for vacations instead of driving, picking the black jellybeans out of her Easter basket or No Dogs In The House? History channel on weekends and sports on Thursdays? Physics instead of Comics? Nothing in particular? We may never know for sure, but I believe she is asking for us to listen to her rant, that's all. I'm kinda enjoying her rant as I've had it for, umm, twenty something years? and so has my husband

Now, we'll all be jealous of your wife, sourland. thanks a lot.

 

[sourland]

Well, 6chickens, if her husband's offer was being fulfilled, I don't think she would have started this post.

 

[m.kitchengirl]

WOW! Thanks for all the support and suggestions.

I took some of your creative ideas and sat down w/ my man.

We have asked about wood because, honestly, I would prefer to heat with wood or pellets. Brother Landlord is not into it. His insurance would go up, or that was what he told "us".

I was sort of laughed off about the mold issue. I have been informed that it is NOT the kind that makes people sick - is there any OTHER kind?

I work for a bluegrass festival locally & have made good friends with the "Blow Brothers" who run the porta-potty service we use. He is coming on Saturday to drop a unit off to me. Since he is right up the road he is not charging me for the rental, only for the draining/upkeep of it. I will be billing Brother Landlord for the service, if it is needed. I warned him that the portajohn would be here Saturday, he said he would deal with the problem this week (hasn't been here yet) but just sort of laughed, I think he thinks I am bluffing. He'll hear I am not. Blow Brothers promise to bring it bright & early Saturday, set it up right near where he parks, and always come to service it as their first stop of the day. Ha! That'll fix him, I think.
I have offered to pay for the septic system to be drained when I moved in and twice since, but was told not to by both brothers. I think I am stuck in the midst of a passive aggressive brother battle here.

I am a single mom & really have never minded raising my kids on my own. That is why I was reluctant to move in to begin with. That being said, my man is a good one - if not the best at communicating with his brother - and works hard, supports me, is great to my boys who needed a make role model since their father is completely out of the picture. He works hard and allows me space to be who I am. Other than this issue with the house we have not had any problems in 2 years and we talked frankly about my concerns the other day, he was understanding enough. He is away a lot - in a bluegrass band that plays 4-5 gigs a week, teaches 4 days a week and is an avid backpacker. He is preparing to do the Pacific Crest Trail (from Mexico-Canada) next spring & has been very preoccupied by the process. I made it very clear I would not keep the lease when he leaves unless these matters are handled before November once & for all. He recognizes my sincerity. I hope it makes a difference.

The heat is a concern, but I called in some big guns on that front - my step father & Brother Landlord's dad (he stopped by on Monday & asked if the heat was fixed, when I said "no" he promised to be here Saturday to work on it. (He is a great guy. Blind, but gets around like he has 20/20 vision and has the biggest heart. I just adore him.) His suspicion is that the furnace is beyond repair. He thinks Brother Landlord is putting off buying a new one. He is going to diagnose the unit and see if he is correct. If so, I am going to buy a new one and take the cost out of MY portion of rent.

I would love to buy the place, but not until these issues are handled. My father is a realtor and would kill me if I bought a property that would fail inspection on these points. He has referred me to a mold specialist that will come here & test the mold. We'll just go from there. I cleaned up what I found with a bleach mixture I found on a website, have 4 dehumidifiers running and am still at 85% humidity. The purfling is literally PEELING off my mandolin. The Brothers' Dad is bringing a plumber friend to locate the source of the problem. I am glad I have him on board, but worry that I will be fighting this fight on my own once my SO is off hiking for 6 months. I would rather get these things fixed before that. If I have to pay for all the repairs I will not have the money to put down to buy the place, but once I get all the pros to tell me what needs done my man will have to take the estimates to his bro & figure out how it will be handled from there.

I don't mind doing stuff on my own, I prefer it actually, because waiting for others to do things clearly does not work well for me. If you all have any great DIY guides on plumbing and home repair, I would love recommendations because I am not "handy" but learn fast, read avidly, and can follow instructions well.

Thanks again for all the support. I hope I have responded to most of you. I was NOT expecting such a response! Amazing.

 

[m.kitchengirl]

"Either you do it or you don't , but DON'T complain about it". That has sort of fueled all of our efforts at doing unusual, but necessary things. I mean, who'd WANT to mop poo? But sometimes thats just one of those things you either do, or you don't. But nobody wants to hear complaining, most of all, your own heart doesn't like to hear you complain. It is stressfull to your heart to dwell on problems, and to physically dwell within a problem without a plan to get out of it.

When my husband and I split it was due to a lot of issues. About a year before I left him my Dad was dropping me off after a dinner where I vented my frustrations for quite a while. He pulled into my driveway, turned in his seat & said, "You need to decide what you can live with and what you can't. Until then shut the (bleep) up". My goodness was I offended for about 3 days, but after I thought about it for a while I realized he was ABSOLUTELY right. I typically don't vent about things (this post was a rare occasion after I woke to another overflowing toilet in a cold house on a Maine morning) because I find it usually makes me MORE angry and find things I didn't even know I was mad at. Not good for anyone. I know lots of people here are very knowledgeable about home repair and issues like that & mostly hopes someone would know some good steps to take. And there were MANY great ideas, even if I don't use them all and I got a great laugh from a lot of the dialogue.

I have been looking into grey water & composting toilets and plan to adapt the home I purchase to those systems, but as a renter I don't think I can. I would love reference material about it, if you could suggest some.

Maybe expecting every male on this planet to be a proficient handyman is kind of like expecting every woman to look like Cindy Crawford? I know there are things in this life I can never be good at, but other things I can ROCK. Maybe she's with this guy for very good reasons, none of them handiness with plumbing? Nothing wrong with figuring out a life together as a team effort.

I am not handy & neither is my man. He is a musician and is wary to do things with heavy tools because of his hands. He is great at other things, even if I think the power tool/musician's hands thing is nonsense. I play music, too. I still use my hands! But, he has many wonderful traits which outweigh the lack of handiness.

After my marriage, I have no intention of staying in a relationship that is unhappy. We are a good team, even if he & his brother are not.

I'd love to get handy, so refer me to some great books on DIY, I need them! I bought my first toolbox a few months ago, and built my duck house myself. It took forever, but is solid and sturdy. I try to do as much as I can and learn new things all the time. I know my boys think I am a strong, empowered woman. I have proved it their entire lives. My son, at 4, said once, "Mommies don't need Daddies but Daddies sure need Mommies. Daddies don't know how to do things by themselves". Sad, but I know they know I will take care of things.

I feel like I have not answered enough of you still, but I appreciate you all. Thanks so much. I'll let you all know how the weekend goes, and what the mold guy has to say. Once we have the mold situation in hand I will replace the damp wood and paint it all with Kilz paint & then a new coat of paint for the walls, just to be safe. I grew up in a HUGE 300 year old house and did help my Dad with a lot of maintenance. Plumbing and heating and electrical work were not on the list though, so I am out of my comfort zone. I have installed my own wood stoves successfully in 3 homes, can lay linoleum and tile like a pro, replace woodwork, refinish wood floors...but I want to know how to do everything on my own. I hate being forced to rely on others for things, I feel out of control and am not a fan of feeling that way. I also think, as a woman, I am more likely to be taken advantage of when I do not know how things work. That is why I have always helped friends with car repairs and done as many of my own as possible using a Chiltons guide. I became a gearhead for about 8 years, now I need to become a handyperson, I think. Thanks for all the encouragement.

As for how other people's wives would handle it, I am SURE I am much calmer than most. After what husband #1 put me through I have an incredible tolerance level, and seriously lowered expectations. I'm a real catch!

 

[SillyChicken]

If that were me, I'd be telling my DH, that he's not doing any "hiking" until the things are resolved. How's that for motivation? How selfish is it for him to go off and do what he enjoys, and leaves you stuck living with and dealing with the problems HIS brother caused. He needs to grow a pair and man up!

That said, if you gotta resolve it yourself, do it the way you want it done. Send the BIL the bills, and let him know that you will either deduct if from your rent or allow him to decide how to pay it. If he refuses let him know you'll take him to court to cover your expences, as renters you do have rights and you shouldn't need to live that way.

Lastly, yes there are many different types of mold. The black mold you may see pop up on the ceiling after a shower is not dangerous as long as you keep it cleaned up or better yet, do you have good vents in your bathrooms/kitchen (make sure they are clean and you use them) and do you have proper venting on any gas appliances? How's the attic vented?

Continuously moist enviroments will encoursage the unhealthy black mold to grow and it isn't always the kind you see growing on walls etc... the unhealthy mold is most often airborne, and thereby invisible. So, your BIL, not being a mold expert, doesn't know if you have it or not. Test for the mold first!!! If this mold tests positive - move out now!!

Get the water situation fixed, and any damaged drywall/plaster has to be removed. The mold will grow inside the walls, in insulation etc. That will all have to be removed, dried, treated and replaced with new material. I would not buy the house if it has the dangerous black mold and I'd be moving out and calling the city/township to have it blighted so no one else can get stuck with it.

If you still choose to stay in this situation, and your DH can't grow a pair, and you're ok with that... then quit taking all the BILs BS! Grow your own "pair"
Start researching what you have issues with online you have a endless supply of info that you can put your BIL in his place with. Good luck!


edited to add that i didn't read all your posts sorry if I sound bi***y, it's what I do! LOL!

 

[ChickInDelight]

m.kitchengirl :

Thanks again for all the support. I hope I have responded to most of you. I was NOT expecting such a response! Amazing.

You go girl! Doesn't it feel great to take action? Sounds like great plans and great support! Best of luck. Really - there are many kinds of mold - not all black.​

 

[zzGypsy]

Quote:
um, yeah, I'd have to go with that.
he's going to be gone 6 mo while you struggle with mold, and poop, and cold, while trying to restart your business and raise your kids? and he's off hiking? not sounding like you're getting the fair end of the deal. it might be different if this was a property the two of you owned, and had agreed to rehab, but it's not even your place!

the mold may be a deal breaker, if it's the bad stuff don't stay.

the whole role-reversal thing can work if everyone is holding up their end. I dated a musician for a year... he was talented, and a great cook, but I changed the oil in his car, repaired plumbing and windows, and did anything that required as much as a screwdriver. it was a fair trade for us at the time - I'd do his brakes and he'd make an excellent dinner for us - but we weren't living in poop water and mold.

Quote:
all in favor of growing your own pair, however, I've found the bigger yours are, the bigger his will need to be also. doesn't have to be in the same way as you, but if you're the powerhouse that's doing the repairs, making things happen, and fixing up *his* place just to make it barely liveable, and he won't even stand up to his brother on the subject, I see trouble coming. in my experience, relationships between women with big brass ones and men without them don't usually fare well. unless you're looking to include him as one of the childeren you're raising, and he's looking for a mom.

I don't mean to sound harsh here, but taking off to hike for 6 months while leaving your woman and her childeren to live in squalor and deal with your disfunctional brother on your behalf doesn't sound much like a grown man to me.

even an artistic, musician kind of a man should be able to stand up to his brother for the woman he loves.

 

[spacecowgirl]

I just find it a little disturbing that he gets mad at you for the backed up toilets, when you're doing everything you can to deal with them.

I agree with a lot of other posters that you should look into moving as soon as possible. If you want to continue your relationship with him, fine...but not in that house!! Do it for yourself and your kids!

 

[zzGypsy]

one more thought here...

I hear your enthusiasm for the land and the environment in your posts. the idea of homesteading, of growing what you eat, having trees and berry bushes and a garden and livestock is HUGELY attractive for many of us. I would cheerfully live in a barn, or a tent, or a one room cabin, or a tree house or an outdoor camp to have the property and the animals and the living-from-what-I-grow homestead. but you can't live, or raise your kids, in poop water and black mold, with no heat.

as incredibly attractive as the lifestyle is, and as many good things as may be true about this man, if he does not take care of the most basic essentials, or see to it that they're taken care of, there is a real problem. this is basic essential stuff. plumbing, mold, heat... that has to work. your health and wellbeing, and that of your kids, is at issue here. if he can't get after his brother for *that*, well, how bad will it have to get before he stands up for you?

now if the land and the location are the real draw, and you're willing to sign up to do all the work, regardless if he is not able to face down his brother for your wellbeing and that of your kids, then you're essentially doing this on your own. but if that's the case, I wouldn't make any decisions around his being there. do it for yourself, for your kids. don't do it any differently than you would if he were totally out of the picture. because he hasn't shown you that you can count on him for essential things.

for about 35 years I've either been married or in a long term relationship... and it's taken me a number of them to learn how to choose a man correctly, and how to treat him, what to expect from him, what to give. I come from a family of bad relationships, and maybe I'm a slow learner. Finally, this time, I'm getting it right. one thing this husband of mine has taught me is that family is first. that means your woman, your wife, your children, your husband, your man. if he yields to his brother, and fails to stand up for you in the process, or is angry with you because of things his brother should, by rights and by law, fix, then he's chosen his family... and it isn't you.

you sound young, maybe he is too. but if a man's going to have a woman and children, he needs to grow up. he needs to put their wellbeing first. if he's not old enough to handle his family, or his own adventures, without forgoing their basic needs, he still has some major growing to do.

really, I'm not trying to rain on your parade here. I understand the powerful desire for a homestead life. but a homestead life is not easy and it needs both a strong woman, and a strong man, to make it work. it's doubly hard to do it without a partner who's got your back.

one of the most moving things my husband has ever said to me is this, sent in a text, on a bad day where I had hard decisions I had to make: Baby I've got your six.
knowing he really, truly does makes anything possible. if we've got each other's backs, we're formidable. without it, life is hard. however much of this you choose to do yourself, he needs to step up. just know this is not the only path to the homestead life you want.

enough from me.
peace.

 

[Mattemma]

I would just pay a stranger to come fix the issues.That or move out. I was going to pay a plumber to replace toilets.Dh got the bright idea to have my brother come do it for less.Sometimes for the sake of peace it is better to pay more and avoid isssues with family.My brother comes this weekend.Fingers crossed all goes well,and I don't have dh complaining about toilet issues weeks from now!

I would use a spray made for the mold rather than just bleach.Well maybe bleach first then the spray.I think the mold spray has enzymes that will eat them up!