Need advice and to vent and maybe make this panic attack go away...

[poconoadoptionfamily]

It's 3 am. I can't sleep and battling a panic attack...so I thought I'd vent and possibly get some sage advice. My in-laws hate me.. that's it in a nutshell. I've pretty much known for years but tonight a friend confirmed it. Gee no wonder I get treated like crap at the family outings. I didn't tell my husband about our friend confirming this because frankly he's been working long hours and is exhausted. He's close to his parents and has a hard time dealing with this. His parents think our relationship is on the rocks ( It's not, we've been married 17 years and are still happy despite this.)
I don't know how to negotiate this emotional mine field. My in-laws speak badly of me in front of our 7 YO son. According to them I am a liar, cheat, whore, you name it.. Meanwhile, I'm probably the most boring person you'll meet. (knitting chickens, and hanging out with my husband and son are my idea of a good time) Andrew and I have been together since we were kids...he is my one and only.
How do I make him see what's going on without destroying our marriage. I just can't deal being treated like crap by relatives and in-laws anymore. DH suggested talking to family friends that know what is going on and are close to his parents but are fair people to see if we can find out what's going on with his parents...I don't know. If we confront his parents head-on they will deny it because they are afraid we will say no to them seeing their only grandchild. What should I do? This is tearing me up inside.

 

[annaraven]

No advice but just wanted to send you

Sounds like a real hard thing to be dealing with. Especially with a 7yo involved. If only for his sake, I'd suggest you and your DH talk with someone you trust about it and see if it can be dealt with somehow. Good luck!

 

[poconoadoptionfamily]

Thanks Annaraven, I needed that!

 

[Wisher1000]

Why do they feel that way about you?

 

[trollydolly]

How awful for you.

You need to get your husband to fight your corner. I'm guessing that if he's close to his parents, then he is afraid to upset them - but doesn't seem that bothered that they are upsetting you.

Once married, priorities should change, and your spouse should be the centre of your world, not your parents. You husband needs to stand up to them and make them aware that their behaviour is totally unacceptable. If they want to continue to have a relationship with their grandson, then they must be made to realise that they must treat his mother with respect.

You husband is probably shutting his eyes to the upsets - being an 'ostrich' - putting his head down and hoping it will all go away on its own.

I'm not saying that your husband must agree with you and only you all the time - only that when in public, he needs to be seen to side with you. He can think what he likes in private. It should be you and he against the world.

Good luck. Thank goodness there are now forums around where you can offload when feeling down. Ultimately, though, I think it is your husband who needs to know how upset you are.

 

[poconoadoptionfamily]

wisher 1000 - My parents were blue collar, my in-laws teach and sing music opera etc. As soon as my DH and I started dating they made it clear that they wanted more for him. It doesn't matter that I put myself through college and graduate school, and had a career before we adopted our son and we decided I would stay home to raise him. I have a few close friends but am mostly an intravert. I don't party.... I'm just not that kind of person. But they have some kind of warped sense of me, if that makes sense.. I personally think that's bizarre but probably helps them to justify their bad behavior.

 

[Wisher1000]

Poco,

I'm usually pretty good at giving sensable advice and my fee's are great! So, here goes.... First of all, love yourself. Be the best person, wife, mother and daughter-in-law you can be. Try not to let anyone elses bad behavior make you behave badly. You can not make them like you or "be nice." The only control you have is over your own behavior. Next, remember that as long as you are married to their son, you have to have a relationship with them, be that relationship good or bad, and good will be much more pleasant for all. Once all that is in place, don't sell yourself short. If you can honestly say to them that you have never done anything but your best to make your husband happy and to get along with them then you have done your part and can reasonably expect their respect, if nothing else. I would suggest you call their hand on saying negative things about you to your child, that is unacceptable and they need to know that you know, and will not tolerate it. I do not suggest that you threaten to disallow them access to their grandchild but you can reasonably restrict their visits to supervised by you and your husband if they are not willing to show you the respect you deserve when alone with him. Maybe if the problem was out in the open without being a fight then they would think twice about being "snitty" behind your back. To quote "Hotlips Hoolihan" from MASH..."You will respect me, I will expect no more and I will accept no less."

Good luck, honey. I know you are having a hard time.....

 

[NonnasBabies]

I'll be honest with you. First off if anybody felt the need to disrespect me in front of my kids that would be the end to their relationship. Period, no if's and's or but's about it!!

Okay got that off my chest!! <whew> Sorry but I can't stand that period!!

Honestly, after being with your husband for so long and they can't see or don't want to see that you have a great relationship and your a good person then that's their loss. You really need to quit letting them get to you!! Since obviously they make you miserable when your around them quit subjecting yourself to their treatment. I would politely tell my husband that since his parents can't treat you with more respect and he won't stand up to them and find out why, then he's welcome to go to the family get togethers, etc. alone and I'd take my son some where's special with me.

Seriously they give you panic attacks??? That is not healthy. Just quit letting them do this to you!!

I can't say I know what your going through cause I don't not in the least but I hope your start making you happy and quit worrying about their opinion!!

 

[scbatz33]

I have been married for 14 years. I do not have the best relationship with my inlaws for a meriad of reasons the top two being they treat my husband badly imo and they made promises to my children they didn't keep.

I do not deal with them if I don't have to. I dont' take their phone calls and I haven't stepped foot in their home in years. However on the very few occassions where I have had to interact with them in the past couple of years, I am polite and friendly for my husband's sake.

He chooses to continue to have a realationship with them. I do not.

IMO, when someone treats you badly, disrespects you, there si no law anywhere syaing you ahve to tollerate it. No marital rule book says you have to have a relationshp with them. And quite frankly if it were me, I wouldn't. Nor would I allow them to have a relatioship with my child until they can be decent people. In fact, that is the line I drew with my inlaws 5 years ago. I have been much less stressed about them ever since.

I sat my DH down and I said somethign along the lines of this....they are your parents. I will not stop you from having a realtionship with them nor will I interfear with your realationship with them. However, I will not have them in my home. I will not go to their home. I will not deal with them on any level. And nor will my children until they aknowledge and appologize for the hurt they have caused you, me and our children.

They have yet to do so. My children are now almost grown and I have told them it is their decision to make on having a realationship. They have for the most part chosen not to. My husband respects my decision and he has never once asked, ordered, conjolled or guilted me into changing that decision. I was open and honest with him about my feelings and he has respected them.

I also wrote letters to my inlaws explaining why I and my children would not continue a relationship with them. I told them the same thing, that I would not interfear with the realationship with their son should he chose to have one. However, myself and my minor children would not until they could be decent and kind and keep their promises.

Very simply, if you don't stand up for yourself, no one will. You are your best advocate and if you are unhappy with how they are treating you, especially infront of your child, whom it is your responsibility to care for and teach right from wrong, then you must stand up for yourself and for what is right.

 

[Mattemma]

Really think the only right thing is for dh to deal with his parents.He is the one that needs to say," Treat my wife with respect and never bad talk her to our son...or we will not visit you." That is the only solution. You can refuse to see them,but it will mean your dh/son still see them. If you try to hold back ds this will become an issue with you and dh leading to fighting-just what they want. I would however cut my childrens contact with family if my child repeated anything negative they were saying.Not good for the kids to be exposed to that.

You need to tell your dh how sad this all makes you ,and that you choose to no longer be in the company of his parents due to their behavior.He might get mad at you,but his anger is displaced.It is his parents that are creating this situation,and forcing him to choose them or you.He needs to see this and deal with it.He needs to deal with this,because you no longer should.

If you say nothing you can look forward to years of this.You all deserve better.

Get professional counseling for the pair of you.