Need advice please

[redoak]

I really don't know what to do and really could use some advice. Here is the situation: My mother-in-law has been complaining about me to my wife. My wife is sick of it and told me in hopes I'd talk to her. My wife tells her she doesn't want to hear it etc, etc. Some of the stuff she has been saying is very hurtful. We live about 5 miles away from my wife's parents farm and we are down there about every other day on average. So ignoring the situation isn't an option. My mother-in-law is very nice to my face, but I can't stand her backstabbing me. She also I've been told openly complains about her 2 son's wives. She is also the type who is not a good listener so I wrote her a letter. In the letter I was very polite and basically asked for her to stop saying hurtful stuff about me. Her reaction I was told by my wife, is that she is mad at my wife for breaking her trust and that my wife has never liked her. So now my wife and I are not talking.

I'm really lost at what to do next. To make matters worse we are all going on vacation together in less then 2 weeks. I love my wife and hate it that she is stuck in the middle of this mess. Some of the options I was thinking about are:

1. Talking to my mother-in-law in person and telling her is she really loves her daughter to keep her mouth shut (but not sure I can control my anger)
2. Talking to my mom and asking her to call my mother-in-law (but not sure it would be good to get someone else involved)
3. My wife suggested just not seeing my mother-in-law anymore. She usually doesn't get home until late on weekdays, and just not going down on the weekend. (avoiding and ignoring the problem)
4. Anyone have any ideas?

All you folks give great chicken advice, I hope someone can come up with a miracle suggestion. Thanks

 

[Acre of Blessings]

Well 1) your wife needs to get a back like a duck and let it all roll off, and she shouldn't hold against you what others say or do. I have the same problem and I just stay away. I don't call or write. i send a card for b-days and holidays and that's it.

Go on vacation and show respect, no matter ow angry you may get you are to show respect. A couple years ago my MIL really hurt my feelings and then she got my kids involved and that was to far for me. I called her and told her nicely why I didn't call anymore. And that was the end of that.

Your wife needs to tell Mom that she needs to show respect to you and she needs to leave when Mom starts talking. My 2 cents.

 

[Peeps]

LOL! I have the same problem. My MIL hates me and all her sons wives. They live a stones throw from us. To make a looong story short... my DH took care of it. He told her she was rude and if she can't be nice then we wont have anything to do with her. We haven't spoken to her or attended any family gatherings in 5 years. It has been great! No drama! My husband had to deal with this with his first wife, so he is happy not to have to deal with it anymore. Its your wifes responsibility to deal with her mother. Believe me....there is nothing you can do but make it worse. I did the whole writing letters & talking to her to.......things just got worse.

 

[Chirpy]

I can actually completely relate... we are in the exact same situation. My mom has never liked my husband and has said awful things about him. Guess what? She doesn't like either of my brothers wives either and says awful things about them.

Fortunately she lives in another state so we don't have to 'deal' with her very often.

But, it got to the point where I wrote a letter to her and let her know that she had two options: 1) Stop tearing down my husband or (2) she wasn't welcome in our home ever again.

She said she didn't realize what she'd been doing (I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt) and she apologized and started trying to be nice. That actually lasted for a few years and then she got even worse and started attacking me as well as my husband.

Since this is your wifes mom, your wife needs to deal with her. If she can't get it across (and it sounds like she's tried) then you, as the man of the house, have to step in and make the final decision on how things are going to happen or not happen. My husband was so upset about how this all effected me that he was ready to do battle with my mom. I asked him to give me time to deal with her first. But, to protect me (emotionally) he was ready to step up. In the end, after she started in again, he talked very straight to her and told her that he wouldn't allow her to hurt me anymore by her actions and words to him. And, again told her that our relationship was over unless things took a drastic change for the better. That was what got her to apologize again.

We'll see how long it lasts this time.

Only someone who's dealt with a family member like this really understands the emotional stress it puts on a person and their spouse. I realized that in my moms eyes no one was good enough for her children and that is why she doesn't like any of their spouses. Then, somehow her attacks turned toward her own children (I think because we stood up for our spouses and she didn't like that.)

Good luck. Deal with it now ... we let ours go on for way too long because I didn't want to hurt her.

 

[debakadeb]

I think I would make very nice to your wife..send her flowers and say you're sorry her Mom is taking her anger out on her rather than you. And, as hard as this may be, I just would be nice to your MIL and not react to her barbs. Of course, I would also say the same to your wife.

I had a very wise counselor tell me (about my Mom) that I needed to untie the apron strings. When my Mom said hurtful things to me or tried to begin an argument, simply to walk away without saying a word. This is one of the hardest things to do but the way he advised me to handle it was to state in advance to my Mom that I was not going to listen to her berate me about decisions I made but instead I was simply going to leave when she started. I did have to leave but only the one time. The rest of the time, I would simply say this is a discussion that cannot be resolved so we need to agree to disagree and let it be. It worked for both of us and when she died, we had a very good relationship.

If she is treating all the "in-laws" like that, then I wouldn't take it personally. Instead, explain to your wife that it really is a compliment to her...no one would have been "good enough."

I hope it all works out

 

[mangled]

What is it with MILs?

We have had this kind of trouble for a LONG time with my husband's mom. I can't stand the ... uh ... well, she's just not a nice person ... let's leave it at that.

She has hated me since our oldest child passed from cancer. It's MY fault, and now she thinks nothing but bad things of me.

They live about 2 miles away. I don't go to their house, don't call, nothing, and since we went all cellular, I don't even have to make nice when she calls for my husband.

My husband has gotten to the point where he just tells her to shut up. She says he's disrespecting her by telling her to shut up, and he responds by telling her if she'd stop disrespecting me, he'd stop disrespecting her. It's a two way street.

Having said that, I'll say this. Having a situation like this makes holidays, birthdays, etc., very uncomfortable situations. They rarely come over to see the kids or the house, and I don't like the kids over there because she disrespects me to my children.

If you can reach a middle ground before it goes to an all out war, it would be the best way to go. This fued in our family has reached other family members and now a lot of my husbands siblings won't talk to me, or are mad at her. It's ridiculous.

Good luck, sometimes it's best to eat the bullpoop as it's spooned to you and keep a smile on your face. I haven't learned how to do it yet.

Em

 

[pdsavage]

what you have to understand is when things do go wrong in your marriage your wife talks to her mother.So the MIL might only hear things about you when wife is upset and wants to talk to her mother.Most woman vent to there mother about things in the marriage.
Suggest to your wife that she vents to a girlfriend and tell her mother that yes we sometimes have proublems and then tell her mother all the good things you do allso,so she doesnt allways hear bad things about you.
your wife could vent now to friends or get counceling to vent.

 

[Becaco]

Well, IMHO, your wife needs to tell her to behave. Better yet, your Wife and her two brothers need to go and have a heart to heart talk with their Mother.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Your wife needs to grow a backbone. She needs to tell HER mother that she will not tolerate this behavior and follow through. Just cutting off contact without the explanation will make you the bad guy. You will be the man who "won't let me see my daughter and grandkids" Your wife needs to leave when mommy starts talking trash, while letting her mom know why she won't listen.

Unfortunately, in my family my husband has the awful MIL. My SIL doen't talk to my mom, my BIL laughs at her and tolerates her, and my husband tolerates her. She is awful to my SIL so my brother has little contact with her, depriving her of contact with the grandkids and his kids with thier only grandparent. My kids have limited contact with her. Its sad, but she makes her choices...hopefully it won't work out that way for you and your in-laws. You should not have to put up with this kind of treatment. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people, even if they happen to be family.

 

[SpottedCrow]

Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people, even if they happen to be family.

This is sooooo true!!!

Your wife and her brothers need to talk to their mother and present a united front...and tell her that she needs to back off...and make sure that she knows that if she doesn't then she's going to lose those relationships...

When you married, your wife/husband is the most important person to keep happy, not mom or dad...​