Need an ear, and maybe some relationship advice.

[frostbite]

Forget this guy and what he's like for a minute.

Write down the traits you want in a husband, traits that you could easily live with for 50 years.
Things like being of the same faith, able to share that faith walk with you
or like being hard working and practical
or treating you like an equal, like an adult
or like having a good sense of humor and an optimistic attitude
or like a pattern of treating all people with respect

Then see if he has any of those traits. If he doesn't, look for someone who does. Being lonely because you are alone is a whole lot easier to deal with than being lonely because the one you're with isn't a match. There are worse things than being lonely, and sounds like he's one of them.

Also, keep in mind, the part of the brain that is responsible for emotional control doesn't mature fully till around age 25. Give yourself a break, give yourself time to grow up a little more. It's not a character flaw to have emotions that confuse you and frustrate you. But it is dangerous to act on those emotions, rather than using the logical thinking part of your brain, which clearly is up and running nicely.

If you decide you deserve better, you'll get better. Don't ever settle for less than what you deserve with the misapprehension that you can change him. And don't think it's your fault if he's unhappy when you break up. He's already unhappy, sounds like. Don't take responsibility for anyone's feelings but your own. That's called co-dependency!! Don't do it. It's bad for you AND very bad for him.

Best of luck to you! Be picky. Be very picky. It eventually leads to a long happy marriage to a great guy.

 

[sheaviance1]

sent you a PM

 

[ca]

Leave him and relax! Enjoy live on your own for a little while. I guarantee you you will find someone else but be selective this time around! Then you will wonder what took you so long to leave the first one... Trust me, it takes no crystal ball to make these predictions! That's how life works!

 

[trailchick]

When do you go to California & where will you be? There are a lot of CA people on this forum - maybe we can set you up but you will have to do the work to let go. Have you always had trouble letting go? Then give yourself a set amount of time to grieve for the loss of this relationship & move on. Make you plans now for your trip & get the heck outta there. Look forward to a new life and DON"T LOOK BACK. Use this coming trip to get an adventure to change your mindset. Let us know when you get here, there's gotta be some guy here waiting for a girl like you!!!!!!

 

[chicmom]

Follow your instincts. Think about this: Do you really love him? Or do you stay with him because you're just used to being his girlfriend. Sometimes breaking up with someone is harder than staying together. It's a very uncomfortable thing to go through. Even though you want it, it's sad.

It doesn't get better once you get married, trust me. He should be at his best behavior right now. Courting you, wanting to be with you, but from what you describe, he's very unmotivated and doesn't seem tuned in to you.

I married my high school sweetheart too. We dated three years, and we were married for 15 years. I was happy for about one year of that. I stayed so long because that's what my parents did. When I divorced, it was soooo hard. Devastating really, but I also wanted the divorce.

I was single for a few years, and now I have a great husband who backs me 100%, and spends time with me and is interested in things I like too. He is my best friend, and I know I matter to him.

Run, don't walk, away from that relationship, in my opinion. And do it all the way. Don't see him at all after that. Your whole life is ahead of you, and you can find somebody who is more compatible. I'm sure you can!

Good luck, whatever you decide,
Sharon

 

[sourland]

Differences are not a bad thing. I have been married for 47 + years to a woman who is far different from me in many ways - sort of like the "blue blooded woman and the redneck man." For us it works. Our seperate interests give us something to talk about and share. Different yes, but also the same. Our core values and goals have also been the same. She is the most important thing in the world to me and I let her no this on a daily basis - she treats me in the same fashion. Don't settle for less than this from someone that you commit to for the rest of your life. In his behalf, is there any possibility that he suffers from depression or extreme shyness? Have you discussed your reservations with him and even broached the possibility of counseling. Good luck on resolving this situation.

 

[Animalian]

Quote:
I go for the whole month of january. It's a conservation training program so I will be in the wilderness most of the time. I think yosemite, redwoods and on rivers improving salmon habitat. So I don't think that would work. I do always have the opportunity to go work in england for a few years if I did ever want ot really 'escape'... but I wouldn't want to leave my pets for that.

I think I may have issues letting go, I still desperately wish I was friends with someone from primary school who I lost contact with, we lost contact when they were kept down and we didn't put enough effort into staying friends. I dream about still being friends with them often. Does that count?

I went to tasmania for two weeks earlier in the year as well, I like going on trips with random groups of people from far away from other countries, I can spill my heart out to them and know it won't come back to bite me on the bum. Talking to a british girl on the tasmanian trip is what has got me thinking really seriously... Because she was in the same situation as me... only she was 32 and met him when she was 18.

 

[WriterofWords]

First off he doesn't sound like a lazy bum, he sounds phobic and probably undiagnosed. It also sounds like you have your mind up and just need the impetus to act on it. It's a decision you have to make on your own or you will have regrets and wonder about it your whole life. Living with a person who is so different is not impossible if you love them enough to make it work; but even if you love them you can't always do that. It starts affecting you deeply and it sounds like that happened long ago. Whatever you decide to do you have a support net, good luck and I hope it turns out well for you.

 

[Animalian]

Quote:
His dad and sister suffer from depression. Compared to them he doesn't, he used to idolise his sister when he was little (his bro/mum told me) so I think he's just.... copied? Imprinted? her traits as he grew up. eg ehen we were in america he and his sister were 'reallly hungry' so they sulked and we 'had to leave' the Natural history museum according to his mum, when we'd only seen a quarter of it... that was ALL I wanted to see in New york... just that museum. He's shy when he knows no one, but if he has his best mate he'll do anything and be bold about it. Why he can't do that with me there I don't know...

 

[Animalian]

Quote:
I often feel it is an act. Because one moment he'll have big issues with doing something "be all shy" or scared to do something in public. But he's the manager at his work and will confront people he doesn't know.

I also think he games because he gets a sense of achievement from it. More than he does from real life.