Need an ear, and maybe some relationship advice.

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by Animalian, Nov 15, 2011.

  1. Animalian

    Animalian Songster

    Jun 18, 2011
    I have been with my partner for 7 1/2 years. He's was my first boyfriend, first kiss. We starting dating when we were 16yrs old, three days after we met (had mutual friends).

    Obviously we get along well, he proposed two years ago, so we are engaged. People will probably say I have 7yr itch but I'm just scared, eventual divorce is my worst nightmare.
    The problem is I love my animals, am very outdoorsy, volunteer a lot, would love to NOT have a tv, I love the internet because there is so much information to learn, I paint and draw, I go on adventures around the country and overseas alone.
    He sits in his room all day (not exagerating) playing video games, watching entire series of shows in one sitting, gets really angry at the dog if he pesters him to play ball when he's gaming, he quit uni because he was so intimidated by being around so many new people, he hasn't been on a holiday since his parents took him when he was 8. He works at night but doesn't even come out of his room to socialise when other people ARE home. I also feel he 'humours' me when I talk about what I really love, I know it doesn't interest him, but I am a passionate person.

    When we first started 'dating' I didn't see him for three months, he said it was because he didn't think it would 'work out anyway' because I was a christian (he's only ever known the scary strict ones), he believes in a grater power but not sure what it is. We happened to see each other in a supermarket and started dating properly. After a year and a half I got annoyed that sometimes he would make any contact for a week or so. He got a bit better. At 3 years we went to america with his family for a month, came back and I didn't hear from him for TWO WEEKS. Every time his parents go away I'll go live with him (he invites me). Every time mine go away i invite him and I get "maybe, depends on my mood". Or complains it take too long to get to his work from my house (15min drive!). He is a VERY moody individual. If I do stay over or he stays here for a few days, I won't see him for at least a week after. Eg this time, II stayed at his house 4 days, then didn't see him for 1 1/2 weeks till my parents had been away for a few days, then he comes when I invite many people over for a games night. Yesterday I asked if he were going to stay tonight as well, he said maybe, tonight I wait around for an answer.... nothing, he's not coming. I don't know why I get my hopes up. If I ever complain he says 'don't worry we'll live together soon'... which in my mind sounds like he'll spend more time with me when he has to.

    I have kinda broken up with him twice, mainly because it seems he doesn't want to spend time with me/the moodiness/selfishness. (We had a big bushfire and basically the whole community got together to help people evacuate, he got annoyed and just stayed at home gaming,....) He gets really good again and I change my mind. I understand his work makes him tired a lot of the time. We only see each other one or two days a week. I've also had pets put down, he 'leaves me alone to get over it' for about two weeks... I lost my job in feb this year, had THREE MONTHS off! Expressed I was lonely and bored but no... same old routine.. I thought if ever he would take advantage of spending time with me then would be the perfect time.

    I always organise what we do, he never cares, he'd be happy playing his video games in his room all day. We have come back from shopping once and he jumped straight onto the computer, I had nothing to do so waited... two HOURS later I was at the end of my rope, packed up my things and my dog said bye and stormed out. All he said was "Ok" he hadn't even NOTICED!! Also I always invite myself over, I invite him over he NEVER initiates, when I give him space to organize something I don't hear from him for weeks...

    I love him but I don't think I want to. I don't want to have wasted all this time. He can make me so happy so easily but can bring me down hard when he's in a bad mood. Which he often does when we go out anywhere he is slightly uncomfortable... I feel like a babysitter. I realised my engaged friends see each other almost every day... and shift workers are among them. My parents don't really like him because of all this, some of my friends say I can do better, even the one who introduced us is concerned...

    I don't know what to do... I don't want to hurt him again... I don't know what will make me happy... Most of all I don't want to make a big mistake.

    anyone who sat through all of this. thankyou for reading, maybe I'm just being a scared crazy girl... sorry. I love being anonymous on this site!
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2011

  2. chickened

    chickened Crowing

    Oct 2, 2010
    western Oregon
    Sounds to me like you have made a decision by your observations of your relationship to this guy.

    One of the biggest mistakes young girls make is the notion that they can change a guy from a do nothing lazy bum into a man that will take care of you, cherish you, defend you and be a husband not a live in boyfriend that keeps you around for "convenience" if you know what I mean. Sounds like you would be his mother not his wife.

    I am a guy that nearly lost his current wife of 24 years by not getting on the stick about being a husband after shackin with her for almost 2 years as I found out she was getting ready to leave me, about 10 years after we were married she told me that fact.

    I would advise you to look for greener pastures. [​IMG] What does your Bible say about equally yoked.
  3. PaulaSB12

    PaulaSB12 Songster

    Dec 6, 2010
    If you are asking this question you seem to be having large doubts. I would not get married and tell him that you are not ready to be engaged either. I have seen too many people with such doubts getting sucked up by the whole wedding hoopla and feel that they can't not go through with it only to divorce later. I would pull back and consider really hard before making such a committment especially as you seem to be diametrically opposed charactors.
  4. 1muttsfan

    1muttsfan Crowing

    Mar 26, 2011
    Upper Peninsula Michigan
    Read over what you wrote above as if another person had written it. What advice would you give them? Be kind to yourself and take that advice.
  5. bakerjw

    bakerjw Songster

    Apr 14, 2010
    Johnson City, Tn
    My caveat. I am no relationship expert.
    You have 2 completely different personality types. Things may click occasionally but in the long run things will most likely run afoul. He is probably self absorbed and things will invariably have to be his way. People who are their own best company get that way.

    In my opinion, for what it is worth, find someone with your interests. Someone who likes to be outdoors and enjoys adventures. Seven years is a lot of time but it is not a lifetime. I'd go with the let's see other people route. If you find someone with similar interests then I suspect that you'll forget about him pretty quickly. Life is better shared.

    Hope you find an answer.

  6. Animalian

    Animalian Songster

    Jun 18, 2011
    Quote:When I met him he didn't seem as lazy, he was on the national swimming team, got up 5am every day to train before school, then again two hours after school. Also a long early stint on saturdays.

    The problem is he is otherwise a good guy. I think you might be right about convenience, I do wonder if he loves me or just loves the idea of me/having a steady partner. Sometime I think he stays away because he's had enough of me...
    Heck he nearly died last year, lost amost all his muscle, kidneys shut down and I had to help wash him and cook no salt food and everything for him, his parents refused to help. I thought even that might make him get a new lease on life... but no, just couldn't wait till he could sit up by himself to play on his computer again.

    Problem with greener pastures is that they terrify me... relationship wise anyway. I am going to california next year for a month long conservation trip and am seriously considering the idea of staying away, somewhere in the world until it makes more sense to me [​IMG]

    @PaulaSB12 I agree with that but because I have ...semi broken up with him before he might get angry and just leave me, and I'm terrified on making the wrong decision. He makes no effort to inspire wedding preparations or house hunting He 'doesn't care where we live" then I show him a place and he hates it, but I have to do all the looking. He's said before weddings are just for girls, he'd just want it over and done with... which hurt...
  7. Loudoun

    Loudoun In the Brooder

    Jan 1, 2011
    X3. Not compatible. Plus, you haven't even dated others (much, if at all). Suggest you first try being on your own (no dating, no seeing this guy except in groups), get yourself back together, get some friends, then try casually dating a number of men...not heavy dating, just getting to know. Then you will have some points of reference. If, at that stage, this guy still appeals to you, then you could take some steps to lay out your minimal requirements + see what the reaction is. You certainly wouldn't be doing children any favors to saddle them with a self absorbed and lazy father.

    In my opinion, there is someone out there for everyone who is nearly perfect, and who voluntarily and naturally provides all required love and support...without even being asked. If it's a good fit, it is; if not, it's not. No point trying to force things that aren't hapening. All give and no take isn't fun, all ask and you shall not receive isn't either.

    I found the perfect man for me...energetic, smart, loud, just what I like. Took me a while.

    Good luck! Respect yourself and your feelings!
    N. VA
  8. stoopid

    stoopid Chicken Fairy Godmother

    Aug 3, 2011
    Long Island, NY
    You are young. See the world, meet people, don't tie yourself down for ANYONE at this age. You will just make yourself crazy trying to make him grow up.
    It sounds like he has issues, and hides from them. And since you are in love with him, you put up with his crap. I, personally, would not shut my life down for him.
    Don't stop being friends with him, as it sounds like he needs you, but I would tell him you need more people in your life.
    There is a big world out there, embrace it while you have the chance.
    I wish you happiness in whatever you do. [​IMG]
  9. Loudoun

    Loudoun In the Brooder

    Jan 1, 2011
    Just re-read your posts...story didn't sound better w/more info! Have fun in CA, don't get married now...if he's the right man, he'll still be there once you get a little perspective. Staying w/someone out of fear or fear of hurting their feelings is not my idea of the best way to live. Have courage...and get a support system of friends and family.

  10. m.kitchengirl

    m.kitchengirl Songster

    Jun 4, 2011
    I married a guy like that.
    We are not married anymore.

    My father gave me some great advice about a year and a half before I left him. One night, after what I am sure was insufferable complaining about my husband's lack of enthusiasm or joie de vive, my Dad turned to me & said, "You need to decide what you can live with & what you can't. Until then, shut the (expletive) up".
    Man, I thought some expletives to direct at him when he said that.

    But, as the weeks passed I realized he was ABSOLUTELY right.

    I spent a year re-evaluating my expectations of my husband, many were unrealistic for any man, and doubly so for my ex.
    Things got better. But we were fundamentally different people. After a year of me loosening the reigns I realized that he still didn't treat me like I wanted to be treated, didn't embrace life in an active way, and that he felt love should look VERY different from how I thought it should look. Those were things I couldn't live with.

    It was hard to leave. We had kids, we had been through parts of our lives together no one else will ever understand. The thing that I kept going back to was that someone out there would love a guy who watched countless hours of ESPN poker, had no interest in hobbies, or adventures, and wanted to live the way he did. He deserved someone who loved him exactly as he was, not someone who him loved for the potential they saw in him.

    I stayed single for a little over 3 years after we separated. I spent a lot of time asking what my expectations would be this time around. I kind of figured that meant I would be single forever, it seemed like my list was THAT impossible to find. I was ok with that. I decided I deserved the love I longed for. That was a huge step.

    Its been 5 years now since our separation and I am with a wonderful man. Are things perfect? Never, but we have the same moral, spiritual, and life goals, so things work themselves out.
    I don't demand he treat me any way, I just expect to be loved & accept that I deserve to feel the kind of love that I want.

    Now, I am not saying that there is no hope, but I feel like women (especially when we are younger) pin a lot on our hopes for others.
    Re-evaluate your expectations, and get down to what are the things you absolutely CAN'T live with. If that still leaves you wondering, then I think you have your answer.
    And, unlike my father, I don't suggest you hold it all in. We're all glad to listen. Even if we can't tell you what to do next.

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by