I have a very busy schedule, and it has to stay that way for the time being for money reasons. I basically spend one day a week with my son (and the evenings). I am really lucky because my God-sister watches him M-F (with a floating day off), and DH or my parents watch him on the weekends, while I'm at my other job. I'm pretty honestly told when he is good or bad, and most of the time he's good at the sitter's. DH says he's good without me too. But the second I get home, he thinks it's disrespect EVERYONE time, and turns into an absolute, well, ahem, a mean little jerk. Sounds bad, but he actually inflicts pain! On my ONE day off, when I'm trying to do laundry, he takes all the folded clothes and throws them all over the house! I try time outs, and they work pretty well sometimes. When they don't, or if what he did was REALLY bad (run into the street) I'll spank him (NEVER OUT OF ANGER, just to get a point across.) If I say "do you want a spanking?", he'll get right up in my face and say "yessssss!" When he's not raising my blood pressure, he's a pretty cool little kid. He loves to be involved in most everything I do, with a helping type attitude. Likes to watch me cook, pretends to vacuum with his toy vacuum, helps clean the chicken coop (by putting shavings in the water or dumping them on the lawn) I think in some ways he only tries to "help". Other times, I could just put my head through a wall! Lately, he's re-started his separation anxiety tantrums when I drop him off in the mornings. Not sure what that's all about. (hey, here's a clue, maybe I'm not with him enough! ) Any way, I feel like such an idiot mom. Money is very tight right now and every spare second I have I need to spend working or being a mom, and everything that that entails. I have NO time for falling back and regrouping. I wake up in the morning, telling myself that I'm a great mom and I CAN do everything all over again today, but BETTER. I try so hard to have a great clean house, and I try so hard to give Kade everything I was given... A great childhood. I do remember though, my dad working at the family business till 8 pm, and mom being outside with the horses, and being the gardener, pool gal, and general maintenance person till dark. They cared for us 100% but I remember all the work they did and still do. It's in my blood, I don't know how to sit still and even try and figure out how to be a better mom, (and new wife for that matter). We just got married in April. (I had Kade before I met DH. His real father helps NONE by the way) Anyway, we got married in April and I feel like the romance is gone. I can't even think about romance until everything is PERFECT! Crying just thinking about the way DH must feel. I look like such an idiot... as a mom and a wife. My son is an out of control kid, sometimes and I try and stay calm " now Kade, if you don't stop screaming and throwing food out of the shopping cart, you're going to get a time out when we get home". Or sometimes I feel like there's a wrecking ball in my house swinging wildly and I'm in the kitchen trying to cook a perfect meal for my family. My husband is leaving for some army work the day after tomorrow, and wants some "us time" and I seriously said, (this is a cut and paste from a text) "yeah, after the house gets cleaned back up from the costco bomb, and baby gets bath, and dinner, etc...I'm so tired of thinking this way" What the heck is wrong with me!? I could be reacting and acting better, but I can't figure it out. Could my time be spend differently? If someone can identify with me, or has any suggestions I am so open. I am so tired, I am so sad, and I am so disappointed in myself. Thanks guys!