Need help...***Update***I think I'm done guys!


Heavenly Hollow Ranch
10 Years
Jun 11, 2009
Shadow Hills, CA
I have a very busy schedule, and it has to stay that way for the time being for money reasons. I basically spend one day a week with my son (and the evenings).
I am really lucky because my God-sister watches him M-F (with a floating day off), and DH or my parents watch him on the weekends, while I'm at my other job.

I'm pretty honestly told when he is good or bad, and most of the time he's good at the sitter's. DH says he's good without me too. But the second I get home, he thinks it's disrespect EVERYONE time, and turns into an absolute, well, ahem, a mean little jerk. Sounds bad, but he actually inflicts pain! On my ONE day off, when I'm trying to do laundry, he takes all the folded clothes and throws them all over the house! I try time outs, and they work pretty well sometimes. When they don't, or if what he did was REALLY bad (run into the street) I'll spank him (NEVER OUT OF ANGER, just to get a point across.) If I say "do you want a spanking?", he'll get right up in my face and say "yessssss!"

When he's not raising my blood pressure, he's a pretty cool little kid. He loves to be involved in most everything I do, with a helping type attitude. Likes to watch me cook, pretends to vacuum with his toy vacuum, helps clean the chicken coop (by putting shavings in the water or dumping them on the lawn) I think in some ways he only tries to "help".
Other times, I could just put my head through a wall!

Lately, he's re-started his separation anxiety tantrums when I drop him off in the mornings. Not sure what that's all about. (hey, here's a clue, maybe I'm not with him enough!

Any way, I feel like such an idiot mom.

Money is very tight right now and every spare second I have I need to spend working or being a mom, and everything that that entails. I have NO time for falling back and regrouping.
I wake up in the morning, telling myself that I'm a great mom and I CAN do everything all over again today, but BETTER. I try so hard to have a great clean house, and I try so hard to give Kade everything I was given... A great childhood. I do remember though, my dad working at the family business till 8 pm, and mom being outside with the horses, and being the gardener, pool gal, and general maintenance person till dark. They cared for us 100% but I remember all the work they did and still do.

It's in my blood, I don't know how to sit still and even try and figure out how to be a better mom, (and new wife for that matter). We just got married in April. (I had Kade before I met DH. His real father helps NONE by the way) Anyway, we got married in April and I feel like the romance is gone. I can't even think about romance until everything is PERFECT!
Crying just thinking about the way DH must feel. I look like such an idiot... as a mom and a wife.
My son is an out of control kid, sometimes and I try and stay calm " now Kade, if you don't stop screaming and throwing food out of the shopping cart, you're going to get a time out when we get home".
Or sometimes I feel like there's a wrecking ball in my house swinging wildly and I'm in the kitchen trying to cook a perfect meal for my family.
My husband is leaving for some army work the day after tomorrow, and wants some "us time" and I seriously said, (this is a cut and paste from a text) "yeah, after the house gets cleaned back up from the costco bomb, and baby gets bath, and dinner, etc...I'm so tired of thinking this way"
What the heck is wrong with me!? I could be reacting and acting better, but I can't figure it out. Could my time be spend differently?

If someone can identify with me, or has any suggestions I am so open. I am so tired, I am so sad, and I am so disappointed in myself. Thanks guys!
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First off, you need a serious hug.
I feel your working mom pain. It's such a juggling act we have to do and sometimes the balls fall out of the air. Give yourself permission to fail a little bit.

It's okay that the house isn't perfect. It's okay to make hamburger helper or Mac-n-cheese with hotdogs sometimes. You are rushing so hard to get everything done that you aren't able to enjoy what you have.

Kade is acting up because he misses you and I think you feel so sad because you miss him. The baby won't die if he doesn't have a bath one night. Play with him instead of doing chores. You'll both be glad.

Heed what your husband asks about some time as a couple and don't make it conditional on the house being clean.

The only advice I can give is to ease up on the pressure of trying to have a perfect life. You have a son and husband who both want to spend more time with you and that means you must be pretty special. You must be someone worthwhile for them to want to be with you. You ARE a good mother and you ARE a good wife. That's why they love you.

Give yourself a chance to revel in that love instead of bowing to the obligations.
Well I can't really offer any "help" but maybe some support. I think at almost 3, he is still very young, a toddler really. I have a 3 year old and a 4 year old, and I have to say my girl is very much aesier at this point. I think as long as you are correcting his behavior (which you are, you mentioned time outs) the naughty behavior will pass. It does suck working a lot and being away from your baby, and I think the fact that you realize he wants to spend time with you already puts you ahead of the game as far as figuring out a gameplan. I think you probably are doing a really good job, and just remember that you are only one person, sometimes you have to tell other people "no" to do something you want with your child. It might be that he has a lot of energy, and taking "nature walks" can really tucker them out! If you two take a walk and see how many cool things you can find (rocks, leaves bugs etc) They love it
and good luck, Sometimes a good nights sleep can go a long way to (for us grown ups)
You need counseling from someone whose opinions/advice you trust and value. Truely, you aren't going be any good for anything or anybody soon if you keep all this pressure on yourself. THINK OF YOURSELF FIRST if you want to help your son, husband, and self for the long haul.
Let the house stay dirty for a few hours, and spend some time with your DH. Trust me, you'll always have the house to clean, but "quality time" with your husband - not so much!

Nobody (except you!) expects you to be Super Woman. Your son doesn't care if the towels are folded. Your husband doesn't really care whether you have a four course meal or hamburger helper for dinner. Stop being so hard on yourself, and take what little time you have to enjoy life. Does your DH help around the house when he's home? If not, let him know (calmly) that you'd have more time to spend with him if he did.

It sounds like your son behaves great for other people. That's a lot from of a two/three-year-old, and says a great deal about what a good mother you are. He probably feels like he can be "himself" with Mom. He can't be an angel all the time, and lets off steam once he's with you. I know it stinks for you - I went through a phase when it seemed like every sentence I spoke to my kids started with "DON'T" or "STOP". It WILL get better.

Until then,
Sounds like you need some 'you' time. You have to take time for yourself, yes that means letting housework and a lot of other things go. Is it a necessity to work so much? I don't mean anything by that, I just mean do you have to work or is it a choice to? I know when I was working a full time job and two part time jobs it just about did me and my marriage in. I was constantly uptight and yelling at the kids. My husband and I had no time together whatsoever. I finally decided that I couldn't keep up the pace I was on so I decided to give up two of the jobs.
I'm sure there are alot of mom's (ok maybe a few dads too) who have been in or are in a similar situation as yourself. 2-4 yr olds are very trying ages for any parent much less one who works more than one job and is physically, mentally and emotionally worn out.
You really need to set some time aside for yourself whether it be for a walk , a trip to the store, a relaxing bath, a movie with some friends etc. You have to be able to recharge. Once you do you will be able to better handle anything that comes up.
Sending you more hugs.....
First of all, there is NO SUCH THING as SUPERMOM!!! You really CAN'T do it all!!! The evidence that it isn't working is right in your post: you are tired and sad, your DH and DH want more of your attention.

As far as your son is concerned the answer is very simple: He wants more 1 on 1 time with you. Play time, story time. Sitting in the grocery cart while YOU shop does NOT count!!! When you come home, he is obviously trying everything he can do to get your attention!! Even if it is NEGATIVE attention. I'll bet he would be amazed if you walked in the house and said (before doing ANYTHING else) "Hi Son, lets read a story or play with the trucks". Even 15 minutes of your time might be enough to satisfy him when you get home.

DH needs some time too!! Especially if he is going to be gone for a while. (What do you want him to remember about you when he is gone - how great your "date night" was?? Or how great you clean house??) While I am not suggesting that you turn into a slob, sometimes your family needs to come BEFORE the cleaning, washing and cooking. And FORGET about "perfect" meals!! At least while you are working six days a week!!

It sounds like you had some "work-aholics"(spelling??) for parents who spent more time at/with work than with you. So they were your only role models. No wonder you think that you have to do everything!! You have to go easier on YOU! Yes, I can understand that you might to need to work for money reasons for awhile. But you MUST take some time for the three of you.

Take Care

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Let the house go for a night. If your honey wants some time with you, give him that time. You dont want the day to come when he stops asking you to spend time with him...
Husband and family cleaning comes second.
When you first come home from work, you need to dedicate a good 20-30 minutes to being with your son. Join him in whatever activity he is involved, even if it is sitting and watching cartoons--sit right beside him and cuddle him. Tell him that you missed him while you were at work. Ask about his day.

Consider adjusting his bedtime so that he is awake more while you are at home and naps longer at the sitters. Try to become very organized about his routine and what he should expect--lots of kids adjust poorly to surprises and the lack of a schedule. Give him some chores to do to help you--separating the laundry between lights, darks and whites is right at a 3 year old's developmental level.

Consider all the various household chores you do, and ask yourself what is the worst thing that could happen if this does not get done today? Drop at least half of the ones that don't have serious consequences. Vacuum one a week instead of daily; don't bother washing a clean sink, wipe up a spill rather than mopping the whole floor. You get the idea.

Make sure you get enough rest and are getting all the vitamins you should.
Little ones dont have all of the tools that it takes to communicate thier needs and it sounds like your little one has found a way to get bad attention rather than good attention.

He cant communicate that he misses you (no guilt intended) so he acts out instead.

You are in a tough spot and one that I have been in myself. It does get better!

Hang in there.

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