need some advice from parents

[Kikiriki]

I agree you need to lay down the law with your brother and his wife. How does grandad feel about babysitting? They may be taking advantage of him as much as they are taking advantage of you. Are they scheduling ahead of time with him?

Or if you cant get the courage up to talk to them, next time you see his car, grab the family, load up the car and hit the road for as long as you can stay gone.

Or show up at their door with your child and say, " Your turn!" with a big smile and leave the motor running for a fast get away! After a few weekends they may get the hint!

I did not like most of my son's friends as he was growing up. Some were sneaky, some were bratty, some were just flat out obnoxious. I am not and never have been a kid person...children avoid me and it is fine with me!

It is okay to not adore other people's children. It doesnt make you a bad person or a bad mother. We all have different strengths and different personalities. You were not meant to be the neighborhood Mom, so talk to your husband. Tell him it is not a matter of just lightening up, it is a matter of changing your personality...ask him to be the one to deal with the children when friends visit since he is so mellow and so good with them.

But for yourself, there is are three things you can do that worked for me: first realize that children really do need socialization with people their own ages... It's like changing diapers: you dont want to but you know it is necessary! When friends come over say "hello diaper" chuckle and go about your business. Then stop and just watch how happy your children are as they play with their friends! Think about how happy it makes you to see them happy! Finally, treat the friends like the little individuals they are...talk to them as you would to an adult, ask their opinions: this can really be a lot of fun! I dont know if you ever saw Bill Cosby when he had a show where he sat and talked with children. Try to find it (maybe on HULU? Anyone know?) Imagine you are Bill Cosby and ask them outrageous questions like how to get world peace, which planet humans should explore and why, or how dogs find bones in the ground. You may find yourself having fun!

Good luck!

 

[dinahmoe]

I agree you need to lay down the law with your brother and his wife. How does grandad feel about babysitting? They may be taking advantage of him as much as they are taking advantage of you. Are they scheduling ahead of time with him?
no,they ask him day or so ahead but he knows he won't have to keep both of them.he has made comments about how he can only watch one at a time.he is ready for them to leave early the next morning but he says he has to watch them because if he doesn't,they will just leave them with anyone
Or if you cant get the courage up to talk to them, next time you see his car, grab the family, load up the car and hit the road for as long as you can stay gone.
i have done this before but then get mad because i had to leave MY home.i also felt guilty because i know my son would have rather been playing.
Or show up at their door with your child and say, " Your turn!" with a big smile and leave the motor running for a fast get away! After a few weekends they may get the hint!
i did this once when they were over at dads house,they don't mind but i just don't like for them to watch my kids.they do things that i don't want my kids around.

i know my son needs to be around kids his own age.he loves everyone and thinks everyone loves him.
that, he takes after his daddy,not me.i don't want my personality to rub off on him because i love him the way he is.

 

[Carols Clucks]

no you don't know my husband.he doesn't watch them.they could be rolling in poison ivey and he wouldn't notice.they could burn the house down and he would say" i thought they were with you."

Only way to fix that is to leave him in charge.

 

[dainerra]

I agree with Carol. As long as he knows that he can play dumb and you will pick up all the slack who can blame him?

Also, I have 1 rule for any child who comes to my house. They live by my rules! I do agree that I generally don't like other people's children - usually because they are ill-behaved little monsters. When they are at my house, that doesn't happen. Family children know that they will get punished like my children; children's friends have been sent home - one within 30 minutes of getting off the school bus.

 

[cassie]

I probably shouldn't post because I never had children. I never had any because my experience with babysitting showed me that I was not cut out for the motherhood thing. That said, I do like children if they are civilized. I have no patience with brats of any species, and I am not slow to correct other people's children when they are at my place. One thing I do when children come that have never been here before is to take the children aside and tell them what is and what is not acceptable behavior and what is expected from them. Running through the house is not acceptable. Running anywhere screaming is not acceptable. Petting the animals is OK, but they are not to go into any of the pens. They can run around and play ball, outside, not inside. If the kids cannot follow the rules, I tell their parents to take them home. Now.

This last I shouldn't say, but I will anyway. You didn't say how old your children are and that may be a factor. You said you did not let your children outside unless you were there with them. I am glad my mother did not have that philosophy. For as long as I can remember I could play outside all I wanted by myself. My mother could trust me to stay on the property, though. I learned very early how to amuse myself, and now that I am an adult, I am very seldom, if ever, bored. I see a lot of parents that try so hard to protect their children from the dangers out in the world, that the kids never learn how to survive in it. My dear sister-in-law wouldn't let her kids outside alone until they were in junior high. The kids are now adults, but let's just say she didn't do them any favors by being so protective. I know, they are your kids and you need to do what you feel is best for them.

As for your brother, for your own survival, you have to be upfront with him and tell him he needs to confirm with you in advance about whether dropping off his kid for the day is OK with you or not. If he comes unannounced and it is a bad day, tell him so at the door and don't let him in. You probably won't have to do this more than once. Your son does need play time with his cousin, though. And if the kid's behavior irks you, take the kid aside and tell him how you expect him to behave. Kids don't know how to act if nobody tells them.

 

[Reurra]

Im the same way, I have a real hard time with other kids. I ahve 2 of my own I had at a very young age. My sister on the other hand has 5 and she loves kids. She used to watch mine when I worked after my divorce. But I could never watch anyone elses kids. Ive never felt very comfortable with them.

I feel your pain. Sometimes its hard when someone steps into your private bubble and starts messing with stuff. I love my routines, I love my space and I love my privacy.

There are lots of good ideas here, especially talking to your brother. Tell him its just not feasible at this time. Im sure he will understand, and if he cant, maybe he needs to learn that not everyone can drop thier lives to help him out. I can understand though if he feels you are the only person he can trust. Its hard to find a good babysitter you know wont lock your child in a closet and forget about them.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Sounds to me like the biggest problem is with your brother, and that he and his wife never visit with you, and never asks you if you are available, he just expects you to be available. You need to call him and either talk over the phone or get together with him for coffee or lunch. Tell him flat out that your son really enjoys playing with his cousin, and how happy it makes you to see your son happy, but you are getting angry about him showing up unannounced and sending a seven year old over by himself. That he needs to call ahead of time and ASK if your son is available to play, and that it needs to not always be under your supervision, but that he (your brother and his wife) need to step up and do some of the supervising. You didn't address how long the nephew stays over at your house. There is a big difference in coming over for a couple of hours and coming over from early morning until bedtime. Anyways, address the issue now, before you once again feel like he has been dumped on your care. I can't help but feel that a bit f courtesy on your brother's part would go a long way towards resolving your anger and frustration.

Tell your husband to get off his duff and watch the kids, and no, that does not mean simply be present, but to realize that he is in charge and responsibility for their welfare and safety. He is as much your son's parent as you are, and it is his right and duty to spend time with him. He doesn't have to do things the exact way you do, but he does need to step up and be equally responsible.

A six and seven year old can play outside with distant supervision (watch through the window and check on them regularly, or be outside gardening or whatever in the general area, but not specifically watching them) under some conditions: no nearby street to run into, no open body of water such as a swimming pool or spa, no expectation of venomous animals in the area, etc. They are too young to turn them free to play outside completely unsupervised.

 

[dinahmoe]

thank guys for the advice

well,this weekend went ok,my dad went to my brothers to spend fathers day, e

the kids are 6 and 7 and yes i supervise them .i may be outside somewhere but i can hear them or they can hear me when called.we have land but our house sits right in front of a 80mph highway so no,they do not go outside unless i am doing something else outside.

as far as my brother only trusting me with them,it is backwards,he will leave them with whoever because the parents are going to do things for themselves regardless,so that is why my dad tells them they can come down.

lets just see how this upcoming weekend will go.i don't think i can not say anything if it happens again so soon.i will have a sit down with my brother.