need thoughts please

[annie3001]

My husband spills the beans so to speak yesterday and tells me my favorite aunt has cancer. my father told him. over a month ago, and asked my husband not to tell me, because the family doesnt want anyone to find out?

gee thats kinda important. i am over come with sadness, that i cant call my cousins and my aunt. i dont even know what kind of cancer it is. she has always been a special aunt in my life.
a little background.... my parents are divorced and this aunt (who has the cancer) was sooo close to my mother.
so i want to naturally pick up the phone and call my mother and tell her. but i promised my husband i wouldnt.
with cancer, i have heard, it can come and you could be gone in less than 2 weeks. then i feel i would have missed the chance to see her one more time.
ill see my dad when he comes to the house tomorrow. should i mention it to him or wait for him to tell me?? this aunt is my fathers brothers wife.
i dont have a big mouth, nor do i put tons of stuff up on facebook. i feel everyone should know...i dunno... privacy for them i suppose. i just found out yesterday and cant stop thinking about her.

To make matters worse, yesterday while at work a co-worker who is very admired, told me she has throat cancer. her spirits are very high, i admire her. however, she has yet to tell her 2 children?? she is due for raditation pills some time in the next few days... she doesnt want to worry her children (who are in their 20's))

I wake up this morning, sip my coffee and feel so depressed and sad. I am thankful for my family, my kids , my husband. but had such a rough night sleeping, now i am getting a headacke.
I am off to work in 40 minutes or so,,,, to a job (today i am working alone))) to a room (that i am in alone in))) gosh i only wish i could be busy. anyways, off i got to finish the coffee. good day everyone, hopefully y'all have a better day than me.

 

[Mattemma]

I would call your aunt directly and talk about it.You are right than sometimes it takes you fast once you know since it was probably around already for quite some time.Everyone should tell because it helps to have the support,prayers,and love of those you care about.

If anyone I cared about had it I would want to know.

 

[fifenashia]

Sounds like you are in quite a difficult position. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this alone. It is my experience that people ALWAYS find out, and it's best to be upfront and honest so that the hurt feels can be resolved and everyone can focus on healing and moving forward in a positive way. I sure hope you find some peace soon. Sending positive thoughts and prayers to you and yours today.

 

[annie3001]

Thanks--- i just cant believe its been a month... i was so close to her daughter. when we were growing up. i dont know about calling them, i would love to. not sure i would say. i may mention the situation to my father about my friend from work, maybe he will tell me. I will act very surprised. the thing is my hubby never even told me, till yesterday. he said he was told a month ago!! and forgot about telling me. his job is stressful, perhaps my dad told him while he was leaving home to go into work. i dunno. coffee's almost done tho.

 

[zzGypsy]

it's a bind for sure, and always difficult when someone shares information they've been asked to keep secret... starting with your dad. he's lifted his burden some by telling your hubby, but moved the burden of secrecy to your man. now it's been moved to you.

don't know the right answer, but here are a couple of thoughts.

knowing what you know, it's resonable to fear the loss of the chance to spend time with your aunt or not being able to tell her how much she's meant to you. you can still do that now, without ever discussing the reason you're feeling it's urgent. you don't have to miss this chance. call her, go see her, tell her what she means to you, give her the opportunity to speak if she chooses to. if she does not, you will know the secrecy is her choice, respect it. and you can still have said what is important, that you love her and appreciate her.

you can tell her about your friend with the throat cancer, and how it got you thinking about what it might be like to lose someone without the chance to say what's important. you can mention how it's good to be able to be there to support your friend when she's going through a dificult time, and that while some folks might feel it's a burden, you're happy to be able to do it. that gives your aunt permission to lean on you if she chooses to. some folks will, some won't. how people respond to a lifethreatening illness is different from one to another.

you can call your mom and encourage her to see her sister, to call her. you don't have to say why. you can tell her about your friend as well...
you can encourage your aunt to call your mom, say how you know your mom gets busy and how much she loves her sis, but doesn't always call. suggest your aunt do it.

your hubby can speak with your dad and let him know he's there for support, your dad's probably scared too and could use someone to talk to. since he's already breached the confidence by telling your hubby, it probably means he needs someone to talk to about it. he chose your hubby, which means something about their relationship. your hubby doesn't need to say he told you, just be there for him.

your hubby can encourage him to make sure your aunt tells those close to her, but it is still her choice.

many cancers are not fast moving, and many are treatable, although with no info to go on, its natural to fear the worst. be calm, be supportive, be available. allow your aunt her privacy if thats what she wants.

sometimes you hear people say "if only I'd known they were ill, I'd have told them xxxx before they died". I always think, well, why did they have to be ill for you to tell them that? if its important, if you would regret having missed the oportunity, do it now, say it now.

as I said, I don't know if any of that's a right answer, or if there even is one, but maybe there's something there you can use.

 

[Marcymom3]

So sorry to hear this. Does your aunt live near enough to you that you could drop by? Tell her you were in the neighborhood and so close that you just had to visit. She will probably tell you about her cancer herself when she realizes that you care enough to stop by. Probably she and your uncle are reluctant to tell people because they don't want to draw a lot of attention to themselves. Sometimes people are very private about such things. Also, it could be the kind of cancer that is treatable with excellent results and they just want to deal with it and get it over with. However, if it is not, you will be glad that you stopped by to visit her while you could.

About 13 yrs ago, my boss was transferred to another school. I kept in touch with him for a while and heard through the grapevine that he was having some trouble with his job, his family, and his health. The gossip about his family and job I totally disregarded, but was concerned about his health. About six months went by and I just felt so strongly that I needed to go see him. He had gone out on extended sick leave but nobody really knew why. When a co-worker and I went to see him we were both shocked at how unwell he was. He was thin as a rail and had a portable morphine pump. We saw him pressing the button, but he never let on how much pain he was in. Turns out that he had lung cancer (was a heavy smoker for many years) that had spread everywhere. He enjoyed our visit and so did we...talking about old times and the latest goings-on at our school. We could see he was getting tired so decided it was time to go. He told us how very much he appreciated our care and concern, and he wished us well. When he said goodbye, he really meant goodbye. I cried the whole way home and beat on myself for not calling him sooner. He passed away one week later. I told you this story to drive home a point...because he was very private about his health and did not want people to know his situation. It wasn't that he didn't want company. He just didn't want company because he was sick. I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but it did to me at the time.

Will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

 

[annie3001]

thank you so much for all your kind words. i havent seen my aunt in a while. not sure if popping in on her is a good time. i sure wish i knew what type or stage of cancer she has. your stories touched me so...

i am at work now. trying to keep it together.

 

[zippitydooda]

I never could understand why someone who is ill wants to "not worry" so and so. I don't like secrets. I think that as we all prepare to die we should be surrounded by our loved ones. Cancer is not an immediate death warrant though, so the more people who know about it, the more of a support system is in place to help her get to & from doctors/chemo/treatments etc.

It is not fair that your family is asking you to keep this a secret. While I agree that some degree of privacy is needed (keep it off of all social networks and the internet), your Aunt's family SHOULD know about it.

You and she are in our prayers. Good luck with this one.

 

[gritsar]

So sorry hun

 

[annie3001]

thanks...
i called my dad tonight.... tried to get out of him something about my aunt... nothing... he didnt say anything. nor did i.
My dad went to the doctor last week for a check up... I told him during our conversation about telling me anything, to make sure he would.. he said "of course". but he did not mention my aunt.

Guess I am not going to worry about it.. .well atleast drown in sorrow. thanks again for all your words!