Novel writing

[ederob]

I know I haven’t had the chance to check for them.Thanks for telling me though. Want to hear more?

Sure.

 

[Iuvmychix]

I will post more when I’m done.

 

[Iuvmychix]

So...uh... does anyone have more advice?

 

[Iuvmychix]

IS THIS THREAD DEAD?

 

[ederob]

IS THIS THREAD DEAD?

I hope not!

If it dies I am going to be

 

[Veer67]

So, does anyone else have something to share?

 

[Iuvmychix]

So, does anyone else have something to share?

I could share more of my novel if you’d like?

 

[Veer67]

I could share more of my novel if you’d like?

Sure, that would be great!

 

[Iuvmychix]

Ok! I would love some more feed back! I redid my first page so I thought this may be better:

It had been eleven days.Eleven long endlessly on stretching days since she left.Right before she got into her car to drive away, leaving me behind watching, waiting until she rounded the corner disappearing.She had said “It’ll only be a couple of hours.” “Don’t you worry!” Of course I knew the truth.I knew to worry.Even then,I had already mastered the art of identifying a liar and lying itself.It was the lone skill I had learned from my mother. Call it a sixth sense if you will.If you can call it a skill.It was not the first time my mother had deserted me. And in the deepest, darkest part of the back of my mind I already knew it would not be the last time either. I was just a part time job to her.Something you could call a sick day on. Someone you could always cancel on.Even when they needed you.

I sat there,still as a rock with my head buried deeply in my criss-crossed arms. I had been waiting in that very spot for over three and a half hours. I had been waiting there for my mother to come home.I played the scene over and over in my mind.She would ring the doorbell and I would bound toward the door ripping it open and give her a big hug and inhale that faint scent of vanilla and lavender she always wore.I would savour the moment like the last piece of chocolate in a box because I knew it wouldn’t last. It seemed like nothing ever did in my family.
I would embrace her and smile as she calls me by my nickname.Loly.Just as I was playing the scene in my head a final time the phone rang.I gleefully lifted it up expecting it to be my mother saying she would be home in fifteen minutes and to “stay put right there”.It was my mother.
“Hello?” I asked in to the receiver. “Loly...”She paused a beat too long and I solemnly realized she wasn’t coming home in Fifteen minutes.Or more.
Please keep in mind that I am less than twelve years old so it may not be that great :/

 

[Veer67]

Ok! I would love some more feed back! I redid my first page so I thought this may be better:

It had been eleven days.Eleven long endlessly on stretching days since she left.Right before she got into her car to drive away, leaving me behind watching, waiting until she rounded the corner disappearing.She had said “It’ll only be a couple of hours.” “Don’t you worry!” Of course I knew the truth.I knew to worry.Even then,I had already mastered the art of identifying a liar and lying itself.It was the lone skill I had learned from my mother. Call it a sixth sense if you will.If you can call it a skill.It was not the first time my mother had deserted me. And in the deepest, darkest part of the back of my mind I already knew it would not be the last time either. I was just a part time job to her.Something you could call a sick day on. Someone you could always cancel on.Even when they needed you.

I sat there,still as a rock with my head buried deeply in my criss-crossed arms. I had been waiting in that very spot for over three and a half hours. I had been waiting there for my mother to come home.I played the scene over and over in my mind.She would ring the doorbell and I would bound toward the door ripping it open and give her a big hug and inhale that faint scent of vanilla and lavender she always wore.I would savour the moment like the last piece of chocolate in a box because I knew it wouldn’t last. It seemed like nothing ever did in my family.
I would embrace her and smile as she calls me by my nickname.Loly.Just as I was playing the scene in my head a final time the phone rang.I gleefully lifted it up expecting it to be my mother saying she would be home in fifteen minutes and to “stay put right there”.It was my mother.
“Hello?” I asked in to the receiver. “Loly...”She paused a beat too long and I solemnly realized she wasn’t coming home in Fifteen minutes.Or more.
Please keep in mind that I am less than twelve years old so it may not be that great :/

I like the story line. I you are younger than 12 then I am a bit older than you. You could have some corrections though, in places like this:
She had said “It’ll only be a couple of hours.” “Don’t you worry!”
It could be changed to:
She had said, “It’ll only be a couple of hours. Don’t you worry!”