now i need some advice.

[agnes_day]

some of them are ok..but sometimes i wonder if he ran out of ideas and just recycled the old ones somehow.
ha, at least your husband isnt having him read vc andrews!! my grandmother gave me her flowers in the attic series when i was 14 or so.

my mom took them away but of course i would sneak them anyways.

 

[PineappleMama]

Just curious, but do you guys also feel that what you tell your counselor, shrink, etc is also two-faced, back-stabbing, etc? A trusted listener, listening while you vent your problems? Or hey, even on here. We rant about our neighbors, siblings, etc etc problems in a place we feel comfortable talking. So, are we all, even within this topic, all backstabbers?

That old line, "This is an A B conversation, C your way out of it" comes to mind. They didn't call her up and say these things to her. They didn't TRY to hurt her feelings. In fact, when in her company they're nice, they care. But when talking in confidence, where no one will be hurt, they are comfy discussing their feelings. I don't think that shows they don't care. No caring would be saying that to her face, in front of her kids, just to see her get upset.

The upset was caused when she tampered with their stuff. Read their diary, tap their phones... all the same thing... SPYING.

Then, turn around and do exactly what she's complaining about them doing "talking behind her back" to 50,000 people. Some close friends, others perfect strangers... and somehow them talking, just the two of them is worse? I don't see it.

My mom and I discuss my Sis's behavior. Worry over the kids, etc. Guess we're back-stabbing people too.

But, off chance... say my sister was over, used my computer, and left something on screen and I couldn't stop myself from reading even after I saw that it wasn't mine and wasn't in any way addressed to me... let's say it was a compulsion and I couldn't stop... and she called me stupid. IF I confronted her... not likely since I'd violated HER privacy not the other way around, but IF... my question wouldn't be "How dare you?" MY question would be "WHY do you think that?"

If sis asked me "why'd you say I was stupid?" I'd answer her straight out, "Because you are YET AGAIN doing drugs. That's a crime that can land you in jail. But also, you are stupid for risking your babies in order to party. Not only stupid, but selfish. And you are doubly stupid because you've already been caught before. Your kids have already been put through all this before. You didn't learn ANYTHING from all the pain you caused the last time. So, yeah, I think you're stupid. Now why don't you do something to change my mind."

Or something along those lines. But, I'd only do that IF she came to me and asked. I wouldn't call her up and lay that on her. Because off chance she is doing better a rant like that could just make her feel sorry for herself and give her an excuse to keep doing stupid stuff. That is why I keep my concerns, comments, etc away from her ears. Backstabber that I am.

Now, "fat" I can understand that one... after two kids I know I am NOT the same... pretty obvious... and losing weight would be smart... not healthy to carry around all this fat... kinda rude to comment on it, but ruder to walk up and say "Hey Fattie" to someone's face, IMHO. Maybe they're just jerks who like making fun of people, bullies, etc. But maybe they're concerned for your health. I would have at least tried (I hope) to find out why they said that... but mostly I could let it go because I actually know what my bum looks like in the mirror... and I know they didn't say it to hurt me, but as a private observation.

But the stupid comment... I would want to know why they are saying that. What, of my actions, are they thinking is stupid? And, IS IT? Am I really doing something that's really obviously stupid to outsiders, those who care anyways, or are they just being jerks? Example (not you, just example) mom staying with an abusive BLEEP for so many years. PLENTY talked about her stupidity, but they couldn't force her to do anything. And she just flat out did not see it. She thought she was taking the smart path... two parent home... steady income... yada... leaving would be the stupid, emotional choice. One of those forest for the trees things I think. Had her brothers, parents, etc spoken up then a LOT of pain might well have been avoided. But, rather like me, they didn't want to her hurt feelings, didn't want to lose their sister completely, so they kept their traps shut and just made sure they were there to catch her if she fell.

That's me... I might THINK mean thoughts, might even rant to DH about it... but I would not be so cruel as to say it to the person... unless they asked for my honest opinion... OR if their health was at risk and my saying so could actually HELP, not hurt, HELP. I am not going to purposely go out and call someone names just to be a jerk. But, I also don't think it's good to bottle all that up. Get it out, and move on. By y'alls definition it seems I'm a horrible person... one who should be cut off from all my friends and family... for their own good. Yikes.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
Its better to tell your sister to her face what you think... she has children that shes harming with her drug use. Maybe if you told her to her face how it upsets you.. and hurts you to see how shes harming her children.....
Maybe she'll wake up and listen to you...and it will help her kids in the long run...
Just my opinion... Not my business though.
We all have our own way of doing things... thats my point.

 

[welsummerchicks]

I'm old now so I can say I have seen a lot of families, and I have to be honest...there are a lot of conflicts and bad feelings in families. There are a lot of fights, people not speaking to each other, people bearing grudges, sometimes for years.

Sometimes it's not til a family illness or death or close call that they straighten out...sometimes they never do.

I am going to say something that sounds crazy and impossible, that people can't do when they are so indignant and their pride has been offended.

Forgive them. Forget about what they said. Be upset for a while, be hurt, write a letter to them...don't mail it, write it, then throw it away. Burn it. And put the feelings it caused aside. Go on with your life and enjoy your children, husband and the things you enjoy in life. You know you have a good life - I see a pic of a beautiful little girl and a nice house. You have a lot going for yourself. Enjoy it.

One day, they will need help. They will need help, and they will come to you for help. And I hope you greet them with open arms. Because they are family, and family helps each other.

No matter what. You can't pick your relatives, and you can't control how they behave. When they are mixed up, doing wrong things, they will hurt you.

And some day, they will be sick, afraid, alone, they will come to you, you will help them, and finally, maybe they will learn, oh my God, how wrong I was about my sister. What a fool I was to treat her so bad. They may never tell you, but they will know it inside.

 

[TipsyDog]

Quote:

Thank you. I couldn't have said it better!

 

[PineappleMama]

Red, we've tried that... hence the current stance.

The result was that she totally cut off talking to any of her family, which increased her feelings of loneliness/no one cares, which she used as an excuse to continue doing stupid crap to "make herself feel better".

Likewise, with mom... same attitude. If you criticize me in any way then I'll never speak to you again. Further isolation, which just made it easier to be abused, and a lot harder to ask for help... no one wants to hear I told you so.

Both are a catch-22... if you don't say anything they keep doing stupid stuff... if you do say anything they keep doing it, they just don't update you about what's going on. That is NOT to say that when a caseworker asked my honest opinion I didn't give it, I did. Many, including Sis, considered me talking to the caseworker as backstabbing too.

If someone ASKS for my honest opinion, I'll give it. But if they don't... if they aren't ready for it, then I don't dump my feelings on them. I've seen that backfire too many times. Many people just do NOT like looking at their own actions, they'd much prefer pointing at others (Mom is a PRO at this)... can't say I've never done that myself... it's HARD to look at yourself... which is why 99% of the time when someone asks "Does this dress make me look fat" they'll get seriously peeved if you tell them honestly "Yeah, it kinda does"... because they really don't want to hear it, they want you to LIE and say you look like Heidi Klum. Gets really complicated trying to figure when they want the truth, when they don't, when it'll do good, when it'll backfire. Humans are very complicated critters.

But, one other point... just about ANY time my Sis hears I've been talking to our Bro (technically only my half bro, but her full bro) she isn't thrilled. That's HER bubba, and she doesn't like being excluded... even if all you talk about were the Rangers (which she has NO interest in at all) she'd still be upset that she wasn't invited into the conversation. But then, we have issues. Always got on better with my bro than her... and it's always peeved her. Now she's perfectly allowed to have a chat, meal, whatever with him without me there... that's fine... but god forbid you have the nerve to not include her in your business. Yeah... issues. Donno how much of that is because of the different dads... how much is me oldest, her middle, bro youngest... how much is household we were raised in, and how much is just our natural personalities... but whatever the case trying to catch, n'mind interpret, all the waves in this gene pool is like trying to speak Sumarian with a HS Spanish Textbook.

I hope you can let them having an only 99% positive opinion of you go... that you don't assume that because they don't think you're a supermodel (and for whatever reason they called you stupid?) means that they don't love or care about you... and I hope they can let your invasion go... that they won't, for the rest of their lives, be looking over their shoulders/checking phones/changing passwords every 12 hours OR (worse IMO) just bottling up everything they think and feel...

I hope BOTH SIDES can get over their hurts and move on... as much as my family drives me nuts some days I have no idea what I would do if I didn't know that anchor was there.

 

[agnes_day]

the thing is...my sister accidentally sent me the emails, i didnt hack anything.
it seriously took me a few minutes to realize that she was talking about me and when i did, i was pretty hurt. i had my suspicions but this just confirmed them.

 

[TyrannosaurusChix]

i really dont know what to tell you other than what i would do, and that is to let them know that they sent me the emails too and that they must think pretty highly of themselves, and some other things i dont think i should type here.


My personality is not to be two faced, i will tell you what is what in front of a preacher and a sailor, and most days one would have a heart attack and the other would pass out..

 

[agnes_day]

Quote:

Thank you. I couldn't have said it better!

i know it! wheres the like button on here??

 

[agnes_day]

Quote:
oh, i did. i sent them back to her and told her to please not contact me again..of course she did and said even more mean things but its ok. i would rather know than have some facade going of a good relationship with them.