Maple,
I appreciate what your saying. I know who J is, where he came from and why he is how he is. I am not surprised by his behavior. I married him. He hasn't changed much in all this time.
It's more that It's disappointing to not have him be who I know he could be. After sacrificing everything for him and our relationship, to be still be in second place is hurtful at best.
It's hurtful to hear, whether he knew I was listening or not, that something is "too good to f up" and know that he's not talking about me. To know that he took with him the things that he values and I'm not one of those things.
This isn't because I got left behind. I knew he was going. It's how he left and the fact that every day I find another little something that tells me he isn't coming back for any reason - including me.
It's mourning the loss of what could have been, what should have been my life. To know that 14 years of struggling has amounted to nothing. It's, I think, akin to the woman who sacrifices everything - time, money, dreams - to put her spouse through med school or law school only to have him dumper her after he's got his practice all set up for some bimbo secretary.
Only, I can't compete with what I was left for. I can't make him feel the way maryjane and miller do. I "bring him down". I am reality and all the good and bad that go with it. I am bills and children and expectations and responsibility. And I refuse to hide in his fantasy world. So he left me here alone in reality to pick up all the pieces and clean up all the mess.
He isn't violent or psychotic. He's selfish.