Parenting teens is HARD - rant! Update on pg.4

[Chickenmaven]

I grew up with little and have worked hard all my life. As a teen, I work about 30 hours a week & gave most of the $ to my mom. The more I brought home, the less she worked. So I left home at 18 & put myself through college. DH had a similarly rough upbringing.
We are both educated professionals. There is no financial reason for our kids to work. In fact, we have asked our kids to forego outside employment so they can do jobs for us - lawn work, housework & a few tasks related to property we own. They earn money & our family life is not impacted because one of the kids has to work the grill from 11 a.m. - 3p.m. on a Saturday. Plus, the kids are able to do things like act in a play or volunteer. Great, eh?
I am feeling like my 17 y.o. son is a social MONSTER. Maybe he should be stuck working fries all summer? He has a bajillion friends & wants to go-go-go. Since he can work his "work" around his social life, the social life is just HUGE. (I may just not get it. It never occured to me - even as a teen- to schedule a get-together every day). This summer, son has wanted to do something with his buddies most every day. Yesterday, we interrupted boating (on a beautiful day) to run him to a youth group. Today, he left the house at noon to go "hang out & swim" with friends. He called & asked to have dinner at a kid's house. I okayed that. Then, he mentioned going to a bonfire & sleep-over at another home. (What "family" hosts a bonfire on a Monday?) I told him he needed to come home & sleep in his own bed. On a deep level, I fear letting him have too much freedom. I do not trust the other parents to keep tabs on the kids.
So, anyway, my son was PHENOMENALLY argumentative with me. Challenged me to give reasons for my decision. "Don't you trust me?" Was offensive to me personally: "What's wrong? Are you cranky cuz you haven't had dinner yet?' Finally, I put DH on the phone & he just told DS to be home by curfew - Period!
Here is my question: Am I just an anti-social weirdo? Do other people spent 40-60 hours a week with their friends? Do YOUR TEENAGERS leave for 24-36 hours at a stretch or spend 40 hours a week at other homes? I do not think I am off base. Tonight's big social affair was a going away party for a guy my son met last month??!!!??? How mandatory is that? Although I have never caught my son drinking or anything, I almost feel like there was a big ol' PARTAY planned for tonight.
WHAT DO Y'ALL THINK, MY BYC FRIENDS?????

 

[EweSheep]

I agree with you. Set boundaries or move out if he is over age. Either he does or he goes.

 

[saddina]

Only you know your child.

That being said, yes I was often at someone's house my last summer in highschool, we were all aware we had 1 summer left of freedom before having to work and pay our own way. If you're worried about a party when he's gone, ask for the phone number where it will be and speak to the parents.

Yes if he's a good kid, he may have been offended that he was being questioned regarding tonight's plans. My mom liked to always assume the worst, and she was never correct.

I often do things midweek during summer, we're teachers we have it off, and it means that kids don't miss family time on the weekends.

 

[Davaroo]

You're not a weirdo - you're listening to your inner dialogue.

I can tell you from what you offer here that you have reasons to be concerned. I'm not trying to alarm you, and I am not there to see, but 17 year old boys are not that hard to figure out. Keeping all hours with nameless friends and "hanging out"* is code for activities that cannot be divulged.
The question, "Don't you trust me?!" has only one answer, in most cases - "Not yet."

But then I'm a realist... and I've been where you are, by the sound of it.
Being tough enough to stick it out is the challenge, now.

Welcome to the club.

*"Hanging out" is the biggest snow-job going, for everybody. The kid utterly wastes his/her time and you get nothing concrete to go on. "Hanging out" is one of those open-ended explanations which I would never accept. To Saddina's point, I always insist on details.

And I rarely give benefit of the doubt to any 17 year old boy. If one has cause to question, there's usually a good reason for it.

 

[redhen]

Mom knows best! Follow your gut instinct mom!

 

[shawnkfl]

i was like that myself. only younger. except one day in 10th grade my guidance counselor told me that i would never get into college. that changed everything for me. that following weekend i enlisted into the military on delayed enlistment. i was so young, my parents had to sign for me. ever since then, they knew that even though i would go out with friends and get "crazy", i still had a level head (i didn't, but it looked that way), so they let me have my time while i had it. three days after graduation...off i went to the service. smartest thing i've ever done. i'm just rambling trying to say...your son may have more in store than you think. it may be all fun now, but next week, he may surprise you with where he's going. let him stretch his wings. if you suppress them now, he may fly farther away later. just a thought.

 

[TammyTX]

Another way to look at it is like this, he IS doing his job. That is to annoy the pee out of his parents. It's part of them establishing their independence to prepare to be out on their own.

....he's probably out doing what probably most of us were out doing at 17....

If he knows there are consequences for his actions then he should behave, right?

I work with teen kids as runaways and their ears are plugged with hormones at this age.

I don't know what the laws are there but here at 17 they are criminally responsible adults....however, Family Law says they must stay home until they are 18 unless they have parent permission to live somewhere else.

Make one thing clear....BIRTH CONTROL!

 

[Year of the Rooster]

Coming from a teenager.... I WISH I had that schedule... Right now I work at our city pool as a lifeguard and the most hours I could get in one day is 4, the least 1 1/2 (family swim) or 2 1/2. And that depends on if I am scheduled to work that day or if somebody needs a substitute. Other than that.. the only time I go out is for swim practice, 4-H meetings, or appointments. Nobody calls/texts me to ask if I want to hang out or do anything. Part of it is maybe because I don't ask them. Otherwise, I'm sitting at home on the computer, watching tv or playing games all day. I admit, I'm probably social deprived. If it wasn't for school, I'd probably be a hermit living in a box

 

[hikerchick]

I think it is normal for teens to want to do what teens do. My daughter is with her friends whenever humanly possible and I don't begrudge her that one bit. I would never tell her she has to sleep in her own bed if she has a chance to go have fun. She does have a job and pay her own gas, car insurance, etc. and buys her own clothes. Sheis not irresponsible.

Unlike a lot parents these days, I remember being a teen. Teens drink and have sex. I don't freak out about these things because I would rather keep the lines of communication open. Also, I dont' want her to think she is not a "good kid" because she is doing what comes naturally. So, we talk about consequences and how to be as safe as possible.

Why wouldn't he be going to a PARTAY? That is what teenagers are supposed to do.

 

[Chickenmaven]

I have been crying & praying. I believe that - due to the immaturity & hormones - he does not understand my concerns. DH & I want to support him in whatever plans he has for his future. I think this is precious, that we are able to give him financial & emotional support to follow his dreams. This is sooo privileged! If he wanted to be a flippin' astronaut & would do the hard work associated, we could assist. THIS IS HUGE. All I am asking is that he stay close to home. I would like to sleep well at night. I'd like to know he is okay. Tonight, when I questioned how Mr. & Mrs. K. (a cop & a nurse) could have a bonfire party on a Monday, he changed the subject. Later, he said the party had been changed to Mrs. R's home. She has health issues & is a little out of it & doesn't answer her phone. I do not trust her to supervise 10 or 15 teenagers.

I would let my kid go anywhere if he put an adult on the line to speak with me & he is reluctant to do so.