Parenting teens is HARD - rant! Update on pg.4

[HennysMom]

As Dave and others have said - only you know your son. With that being said - our 18 y/o daughter decided she no longer wanted to live in our home back in May, the week she graduated high school. She up and left with 3 guys she met online..and is living with them, one being her "boyfriend".

Our daughter was raised better than that, however - our daughter was and is very lazy, which was the constant source of arguements in our home. She did not like being told to do anything - regardless of what it was. She threw away her college - she threw away her health insurance until the age of 24 ....she threw it all away - and why? Because she "knows best". Uh huh... she cant wipe her butt right now because she cant afford toilet paper..but she "knows everything." And as of next week, she and her "Mr. Wonderful" are homeless.... - did I mention she isnt working anywhere nor looking for active employment? Oh. and neither is Mr. Wonderful.... she's been living off of graduation money - that was meant for college - the college that she isnt going to because of "Mr. Wonderful". Dont get me started....

We did the SAME THING you did OP - we didnt make her work to earn her things - even to donate her time at the homeless shelters - food banks - SOMETHING...... we let her have her "social networking" - and.... look what happened. She had one job when she turned 15 (with a permit) for 3 months and our three rules and they were: she had to keep her grades up, no dating anyone at work, and as far as dating went - she was allowed to date 2 years older but they had to be IN high school. She managed to break all 3 rules within 2 months of working and lied the entire time.

Out the door went the job and the guy she was messing with knew she was underaged (he was nearly 20) - so Dad had to have a little "talk" with idiot quite a few times. Dad walked her in there and told the boss she quit right there on the spot - that was her last job..... We are not very strict but we DO have laws and rules that will be abided by, there are chores to get done and school - well that was her "job" - with a 4.0 GPA - she threw it all away for some loser guy. Does she drink? Nope.. drugs? Nope... just hell bent on not doing what anyone tells her to do - and there you go.

MAKE YOUR SON get a job - make him know the value of earning his way, either through paying for his own cell bill, car insurance, car payment, gas money for you driving him..SOMETHING... trust me, you (nor he) will regret it. He may balk about it at first, but he is 17 and needs to know Mom and Dad will not always be there to pay his bills and bail him out. He needs to own up and start being responsible for himself. Too many kids now a days (and even into their 20's) are too dependent on Mom and Dad because Mom and Dad let them be. If I had to do it again... our daughter would have been out there busting tail flipping burgers for all I care (which ...she thinks is "beneath her" - and I about slapped her for saying that, but I didnt... ungrateful brat

). I dont think you're treating your son like a "baby" by asking or telling him to do things or wanting to know his whereabouts - you pay his bills.. YOU and DAD - so you have every right to know where he is, at all times - and he is a minor - so it is your responsibility by law to ensure you know where he is. If he gets in trouble..you are liable, its that simple. Does that mean make it Fort Knox? Noooo.. but.. I think you understand what I'm saying here. You are the parent... he is the child.

As you wrote - no one did it for you... and no one did it for me or my husband either. We worked from the time we were allowed to by law - and before that..we did odd jobs (babysitting, mowing yards, raking leaves, etc) to earn money. We earned our own way in life as did many others on here from our generation I'm sure that are reading this. Does it mean we're "bad parents" for making our kids do the same thing we did? ABSOLUTELY NOT! It means we are teaching them the value of work - that you must earn your own way and not to rely on anyone or "the system" to pay their way

Hugs to you and may it all work out the way you want it.

 

[Chickenmaven]

Hennysmom: Thanks! Hugs to you, too.

 

[Ol'FashionHen]

My DH and I have a 16 yo boy. Does he like to go go go? Yes yes yes! Especially with his gf, if buds want him to come down and ride bikes etc. and gf calls wanting to talk, he talks to her. I do not mind him visiting his gf ( always with her parents, NEVER!! left alone, and mostly to family, sporting & church events ). The same is here when she comes to visit, they can watch a movie right here with us, came they hug? yes , can they kiss? yes, but just a little pop kiss upon leaving, we don't allow "making out"

. He does not currently have a job because of an injury, but before the injury yes he had been seeking employment and will do so again upon total recovery. He spends alot of time with our neighbors boy who might as well be family and with a couple more fellas right down the road. We do not mind him visiting with them or them coming to our home (only when parents are home) exept neighbor boy cause he knows all our rules

and can visit anytime. He kind of goes in spurts, he wants to go more in the summer because he is an only child and we do understand he gets bored, no we absolutely will not run ourselves like crazy to take him to all the social events he would like to attend

that ain't gonna happen. You want to go go go ... get a job, get a car, make good grades, and only if you ask first

! Cause he is still ours. And no he has no business, it is all our business till he moves out

. We do have pretty good relationship, he does know right from wrong. Is he perfect no, when he does make a mistake does he learn from it. yes

. As long as he learns from it and does not do it again, in my book that is good. We can tell when he isn't spending enough time with us, he will be more snappy and thinking he can do what he wants

.. then it's oh uh uhh ! We let him know his place and our expectations of him real quick, which usually ends with him apologizing and a hug. Kids even teenagers want disipline and bounderies they may not show it but they do. Remind them things are not free you want me to drive you to so and so's.
Help clean the coop, take out the scraps, garbage, clean your room, dust, vacumm whatever you believe it is worth. Good Luck!!!

 

[poultryhaven]

Quote:
When you indicate "gf", I am assuming a dating partner. I'm sorry, it is not my version of "normal" for a child your age to be living with their "gf". I hope you have a good head on your shoulders & are "careful".

I am alarmed at some posts that characterize drinking & sex as expected, acceptable behaviors.

I realize that some kids do & we have been very open with our kids about these matters. We have been open about birthcontrol & disease control & drinking. I will pick my son up anytime he calls, no questions. But I am not the mom who will be hosting the kegger at her place. I think of my friend L & her son. The son was just "being normal" & "letting his hair down" (or whatever). Ended up in a crash with a friend. The friend is fine today. L's son has been in a wheelchair for 8 years.

I dont live with her. I have NEVER smoked. I have never gotten drunk. I've been offered weed over 20 times every single time i said no. I didnt do anything with her, i slept on the couch and didnt sneak around or anything just hung out during the day. I have tried alchohol but never gotten drunk and i was with my parents so it was understandable.

 

[poultryhaven]

I dont hide stuff from my parents and she doesnt either. Please dont judge me because i stayed there. If i did something stuupid i would understand if you thought down on me but i didnt, i kept my hands to myself, i was just stating that its normal for teens to not be home often. The ONLY reason i was allowed is because my parents trust me to tell them if i do anything and her parents trust her because she tells them everything that happens cause her parents may get upset but they dont yell at her so she's not afraid to tell them anything.

 

[thechickenchick]

R (ds) is almost 15 so we have more control right now. YES! I did say I control what my son does, where he is and who he is with. We have also had the talk about calling for rides home. Some of his friends have drivers licenses now. We live in the country but have stressed to him that we would rather drive the distance to bring him home safe. He does not drink but I am almost positive that he will at least find himself in a situation where his driver is impaired.

I agree with you that I will not be the Mom who hosts the party! I could not live with myself if something happened to someone else's child because of my actions, besides it is illegal and what kind of a message does that send R.

I do not think you are treating him like a baby. If he lives in your house, whether he works for you or Burger King you have the right to know who he is with and expect him home at a certian time.

Like I said we live in the country. If a buddy calls R I take him to the friends house. Usually what happens is the word spreads that R is in town (small town USA!) and he ends up spending a couple of nights in town hanging out with a group of boys. However he has a cell phone and is required to check in with me. I always know which friends house he is sleeping at. He calls to tell me when they are in for the evening and I know all of the parents well. There are a few homes that are off limits and that is my choice as his Mom.

I am sure there was a good reason why you instincts told you to not let him go to that party. You should not let anyone make you feel bad about "controlling" him. Every kid needs some freedom but it sounds to me like you are being taken advantage of. We always tell R that freedom (in our house at least) is a privilege you earn. For intance, if R throws a fit when I ask him to take out the trash I remind him that the next time he wants a ride to town or $ for a movie my reaction may be to throw a fit too!!( and say NO!)

The main thing, trust your instinct. You are his Mom you know when he is over reacting or trying to hide something. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Stand your ground, he will thank you one day. Of course I am no expert, mine is just now showing his "teenager ism" as we call it in our house! I am gaining gray hair on a daily basis! Good luck

 

[cassie]

Kids test limits. That is their job. Don't argue with them. Just tell him he is to be home at such and such a time. Period. And don't interrupt a family day boating just to haul the kid to a social function. Otherwise he gets the feeling that the world and the household revolves around him. It doesn't, or at least shouldn't. BTW, teen , particularly male teen, brains, are ill equipped to understand consequences of actions and decisions. It has nothing to do with intelligence. It has to do with the physiology of the maturing brain.

 

[MIKE555444]

My son is 15 and he keeps me on my toes. They do push thier boundries for sure. I expect him to learn to work for his money starting next summer.

Really though...no one knows your situation but you....

Only one way I can help you... You are in my prayers

Glod Bless you, Mike

 

[thechickenchick]

Quote:
I actually just read an article on that. I found it interesting and helpful.

 

[PeepsInc]

Welcome to parenting teens

. My 16 year old daughter is very much like your son. I try to give her free rein as long as she does well in school, and stays out of trouble. I know she has a good head on her shoulders. Being open and honest with them is most important as they become young adults. TIP: If you watch their Myspace or Facebook page, You'll always know where they are,and what they did.