Parenting teens is HARD - rant! Update on pg.4

[hikerchick]

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... *hands you a long stick, marshmallow, graham cracker and candy bar*

Kumbaya.....

 

[Whispering Winds]

I had started a big long family history, deleted it and here is the bottom line. Something stinks with the other kids and their families. I don't always believe the parents either; kids become liars sometimes because that is what they were raised with . . .if something doesn't sound right or "smell" right, then chances are, its not. Keep your son home, don't worry if he hates you, he won't for always, and when he does come around, you will have one grateful kid. I went to Hades and back with our five, as did their dad, and now we have 5 of the most loving kids you could ask for. BUT, another thing to remember is this, people need loving the most when they deserve it the least. He is probably going to do things that will drive you absolutely up the wall, but hang in there . . . and DON'T GIVE IN. That was my biggest mistake. They will hammer you until you are just so sick of hearing it, you will cave. Don't do it. Good luck. I never was a big fan of Roseanne Barr, but the remark she made about "that is why parents eat their young" really stuck with me.

 

[Chickenmaven]

DS knows he has hurt my feelings. He appologized to me & is voluntarily hanging close to home.
Sometimes people have to just go ahead and butt heads...

 

[thechickenchick]

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or be one!

Sorry I couldn't pass it up!

When my DS apologies he always says he is sorry for being a "poop head"!

 

[Dancing]

wow...I just finished reading this thread.

MEMORIES!

From the time my son was able to walk, he had "chores" to do. Even if it was just carrying the towels to the laundry room so they could be washed. At age 7, he fixed his own lunch for school, he did his own laundry (which really put a quick stop to the changing clothes every 5 minutes thing), he kept his room clean, he swept the kitchen and bathroom floors, he cleared the dinner table.

By age 10, he cooked dinner for us atleast once a week. He did dishes, took out the trash, helped with grocery shopping, including making the shopping list, going to the store (with me) and "doing the shopping" and then paying for the groceries (with my money).

If there were "extras" that he "wanted" (I provided what he "needed") then he would have to find work to earn atleast half the money for whatever it was. Some times that was working for me at minimum wage or working for others. He learned the value of a dollar very early on. He learned the difference between "need" and "want".

I chose to raise him this way so that when he was grown, he could take care of himself. He could meet and marry a woman because he LOVED her, not because he needed a house maid.

In HS, there was NO cell phone. He had a pager and I expected a phone call within 10 minutes of me paging him. He NEVER missed calling me back right away.

My son failed high school miserably. I tried EVERYTHING posible to get him on tract. OH the battles we had. Then one day I got a call from the school counseler asking for me to come meet with her.

What I learned is my son (who was 16 at the time) was SOOOOOOOO smart that he was totally BORED with school. What she told me was the school just could not keep up with my son, not the other way around like I had been thinking. HER recommendation to me was have him take the GED and start college. So I did. I had the same problem with high school. There just was no challenge to it at all. So I understood what my son was going through.

Well, he sailed through the GED exams with zero trouble and started college. Took 4 classes the first semester. Aced two of them, failed two. He said he just wasn't "ready" yet for that stage in life. He did go back 2 years late and got his high school diploma. And he now has some college credits and plans on going to the universary once he gets out of the army.

OK, fine. Here are your options. Mom and Dad will provide you a place to live and food to eat as long as you are in school full time. All extras YOU must pay for. Get a job.

If you choose NOT to go to school, you will be expected to either move out or pay your room and board (as well as all personal expenses). IF you choose not to be in school, you are choosing an ADULT life style and will be expected to support yourself like an adult.

He got a job, worked for 2 months and then moved out. Yes, at the age of 16 he felt he would be "better off" on his own. That lasted 4 months before he came to use offering to pay us monthly room and board and to help around the house with the "chores" etc. He learned how "good" he really had it at home even IF he had to pay to live there.

Surprising to me was the reason he wanted to come home. He told me that being on his own with roommates was just constant CRAZY. That HE had a hard time telling himself and his room mates that "No, we can't "party" tonight, I have to work tomorrow". "No, I can't buy that new video game because I have rent to pay next week".

He came home with a whole new appreciation for the "rules". As long as he held a full time job, and took care of his responsibilities, he was treated like an adult. He had a midnight curfew on the weekends and 10pm during the week. This wasn't to control him but to teach im to respect others in the house because WE had to get up in the morning for work. He had "chores" to do around the house even though he "paid rent" there.

I won't lie and say it was all sunshine and roses. It was anything BUT that. I worried constantly about the choices he was making and I was firm in the "rules" but was convinced he would end up in prison.

This is the same son that is now 26 yrs old and serving in Iraq. He is helping me and my husband by paying OUR mortgage for us right now (I got sick and can't work any longer and the loss of that income really hurt). He told me just the other day in IM that he was so thankful for the way I held firm to the rules. That they had helped him more than he could ever express. I always supported my son, whether he was right or wrong in his actions.

You can SUPPORT your child without supporting what they are doing. I let my son make some of his mistakes. Tried to prevent many of them. He always knew that his actions had consequences and that he had to choose whether those consequences were worth the risk.

I never thought, ok, never DREAMED that I would ever be as proud of my son as what I am. He has turned into such a fantastic man. He really is THE man that every parent wants their daughter to meet and fall in love with.

YES, he does have his faults and quirks. But he is always willing to accept responsibility for his actions and own up to his choices. He is financially responsible. He LOVES kids and wants 2 or 3 of his own. The greatest compliment he gave me is "Mom, you taught me so much about being a good parent that I can't wait to have kids of my own". (he can't wait but he is 26 and still no grandbabies for me from him!)

Rules are not there to "restrict" our child's development but to guide it. Without guidence, they don't learn self respect, self restraint, self reliance. And what rules we impose on our children CAN BE CHANGED as the situation warrents it. With teens, sometimes you need to explain WHY you are changing the rules but there are times when NO just has to be NO with no explination required.

 

[Whispering Winds]

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One thing, when they are asleep no matter their age or what kind of a butthead they have been, the LOVE

that comes out in us mama's is nothing to be reckoned with is it? I am glad he is better, and hanging around home. You sound like a hands on parent, and a big portion of the time, our kids will make the right choice and not do what the others are doing . . .so just glad things have gotten better. By the way, do you have chickens?

 

[hikerchick]

I think, as on many topics, we all want the same thing; we just don't agree about the best way to achieve it.

Maybe there is no best way.

Maybe there are just different ways.

 

[redhen]

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I agree....we dont always have to agree. But we should always be respectful when we disagree.

 

[Shanay235]

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I'm with you on this one hikerchick.
My husband and I attended a neighborhood cookout recently and were really amazed just how far most of the other parents had their heads stuck in the sand when it came to their own kids. What their kids have told them goes on with friends, outside of the house, is NOT the same thing(s) I've overheard or been told by the same children and my own.

My two boys are fairly good about letting us in on the real happenings because we are "cool" parents. (Don't get me wrong, we DO NOT allow underage keg parties at our house. I will not provide alcohol to someone else's child.) I do allow my own boys to have a few beers on occasion and tolerate their attendance of drinking parties.) Guess our coolness comes from not judging, yelling, overreacting, to what we hear/know.

I'd much rather try to guide my boys through what they are really experiencing than not know the truth about what's goes on in the teenage world these days.

 

[Danigirl3]

Being the mother of a 22 year old son and 14 year old b/g twins I have to say my oldest was my learning experience. I too grew up without much. I didn't have what my friends had and if I wanted something I had to work for it. While I tried to teach my oldest the value of a dollar he did not have to work as a teen. He played sports year round and I wanted him to enjoy being a kid and also concentrate on school. Things I also did not have. I was a teen mom. He graduate from college this past June and I think he is going to do ok for himself but we really butted heads during his teens. One of his biggest gripes was me talking with his friends parents and insisting on talking to who ever the adult in charge is going to be. Know who your kids are hanging out with and know who their parents are. I befriend my kids friends parents and I have my list of excuses on why they can't go to some friends houses. Don't be afraid to listen to "gossip" when it comes to finding things out. And don't be afraid to show up at said bonfire just to see how its going. I'm not always the popular parent and I'm sure there are things my kids have done that I am not aware of. Kids are going to try to push the limits because that is what kids do. My youngest ones will be starting HS this fall and they do not have cell phones, ipods, or myspace pages. When they ask but why so and so blah blah blah I say because I'm mean. They usually have no argument for that. lol Good luck it will get better. My oldest and I have a pretty good relationship now.