Parents friends

[Carols Clucks]

What do you do?

My mom (in her late 80s) has a friend that I do not enjoy (friend is probably 10 years older than me). She is nosy, only hears one word you say and then spins it in to wild stories, gossips those stories to the rest of moms circle of friends and who knows who else. She usually looks frazzled and homeless but actually has assets and is a hoarder. (she also has a rather disgusting hygiene habit that I will not mention here but I do not like to touch anything she touches) And she is in the same business as I am, it has gotten back to me that she has told some totally WRONG things and claimed I do the same thing or told her how to do something. I have had to explain to my bosses that should these tales get back to them, I am NOT the one starting them or making those claims. She is always the victim and always right-everyone is picking on her. I try to avoid interacting with her when ever possible. I don't need her drama in my life.

Today she stopped by to talk with Mom, I told mom that her friend was there and said hello, but continued the big garden project I was working on-pruning an old old climbing rose that has not been touched in a decade.

Mom is upset and her friend is mad because I did not spend more time talking to her and ignored her today. I have explained to mom several times in the past why I do not want to sit and "talk" (more like be interrogated) with this friend. The friend really wants to sit with me and ask about all aspects of my life and my kids lives. Something I will not do, I am more private than that and if I wanted to broadcast my life, I can do that on my own.

So, would you sit down and talk with some one like this? I wish I would have known she was going to stop by because I would have found a reason to be long gone. I know I am not good at hiding how I feel about some one, I don't lie or be fake friendly well, so I am "cold" because I just don't do that and I have always been shy and private.

Arrrggg!

 

[fuzziebutt]

No, I wouldn't have. You said she is "Mom's friend", and that's what she needs to stay. Explain to Mom that you don't care for the woman, but you won't be rude. If Mom doesn't get that, then sit for just a minute with them, then make an excuse, anf go do something else.

 

[ChickensAreSweet]

If someone asks me a question and I don't want to talk about my personal life, I try to say things like this:

I don't care to discuss it.
I just don't feel like talking about ____.
I don't usually talk about my personal life much.


If they keep probing, silence works wonders.
It is THEY who are being rude in persisting, not you.

You have the POWER of silence. NEVER let anyone pressure you into divulging details.

 

[Carols Clucks]

If someone asks me a question and I don't want to talk about my personal life, I try to say things like this:

I don't care to discuss it.
I just don't feel like talking about ____.
I don't usually talk about my personal life much.


If they keep probing, silence works wonders.
It is THEY who are being rude in persisting, not you.

You have the POWER of silence. NEVER let anyone pressure you into divulging details.

This is part of the problem, I have told her similar thing, and she gets very offended. I choose to avoid her when at all possible.

There is no friendly casual conversation, it is either she is ranting about what is wrong with everyone else in the world except her and by sitting and listening you are agreeing and she will tell everyone that you agree or it is the 12th degree needing to know every detail of your life. She occasionally picks up some temp work where my son might have to supervise her and the last thing he wants is her gossiping about him too. My boys will leave if they see her because they want nothing to do with her either, of course "my fault for poisoning their minds" about her.....

(my parents always gathered every oddball/nut in the area and had them over as friends, I am not nearly as giving as my parents)

 

[dirtsaver]

This is part of the problem, I have told her similar thing, and she gets very offended. I choose to avoid her when at all possible.

There is no friendly casual conversation, it is either she is ranting about what is wrong with everyone else in the world except her and by sitting and listening you are agreeing and she will tell everyone that you agree or it is the 12th degree needing to know every detail of your life. She occasionally picks up some temp work where my son might have to supervise her and the last thing he wants is her gossiping about him too. My boys will leave if they see her because they want nothing to do with her either, of course "my fault for poisoning their minds" about her.....

(my parents always gathered every oddball/nut in the area and had them over as friends, I am not nearly as giving as my parents)

I agree Carol, that's a hard one to deal with. I have a similar problem,except that the offending party(s) are some of my close family members. I tried for years to use the methods Sweet provided and they didn't work for me either. I ended up announcing that I would not attend any family functions or visit certain family members homes as long as this continued. That was almost 15 years ago. After several years some of the parties came to terms with my requests for privacy and I have been friendly with them,others have not,and I have not given ground. Friends and neighbors thought(and called)me an *** for a while until they experienced the same grilling about all aspects of their lives. Now they understand and pretty much have a "force shield" they use also.

I'm not saying do as I did....there is always a twinge of pain connected.....but just letting you know you are not alone with this.
Larry

 

[cassie]

When I found myself in a similar situation several years ago, I just stopped what I was doing, said goodbye, and left. I later told my mother I was sorry she was upset but that I was simply not dealing with that woman. Period.

 

[Mattemma]

I would tell her point blank," I do not like you and will not spend time with you."

As for saying things about you I would ignore unless it affects you in some way,and then I would confront her WITH the person(s) present that she spoke with about you. Not easy to wiggle through a lie when everyone is present.

She is your mums friend and you need not tolerate her.Leaving and coming back another time that she is not over is good!

 

[ChickensAreSweet]

Quote:
A person who has good intentions toward you will not behave like this. Don't give her information that can be used against you. Don't fall for the guilt. You are protecting yourself. Just be kind and smile.

Also- I just read dirtsaver's post and agree that if follks are in attack mode despite being quiet and polite then distancing yourself is good!

 

[Carols Clucks]

ChickensAreSweet, for a "normal" person you are correct. This person has some mental issues. Her own children keep her at arms length. I was not kidding when I said she was a hoarder, her van is filled to inches of the ceiling with just enough space for her to get in and drive. She has several other cars that got too filled and broke down. She is not your standard nosy lady. She has no concept that she is hurting anyone with all the gossiping, doubt she see's it as gossiping to begin with, she tells my moms she is just trying to be friendly. She is the center of the universe.

 

[ChickensAreSweet]

ChickensAreSweet, for a "normal" person you are correct. This person has some mental issues. Her own children keep her at arms length. I was not kidding when I said she was a hoarder, her van is filled to inches of the ceiling with just enough space for her to get in and drive. She has several other cars that got too filled and broke down. She is not your standard nosy lady. She has no concept that she is hurting anyone with all the gossiping, doubt she see's it as gossiping to begin with, she tells my moms she is just trying to be friendly. She is the center of the universe.

You certainly have my sympathy and I don't know what else to suggest. Sounds like a difficult situation.