Parents that like to "tag along" on dates... :(

[Moochie]

I need advice on how I break it to my mom that I wouldn't appreciate her around me on a date with a guy. We've had this conversation before and it turned into argueing then yelling. Then me having a fit, some tears, and her reaction to that is "CLEAN THE STOVE, KITCHEN FLOOR, VACCUUM EVERYTHING IN SIGHT" lol. She said "anytime you have a date I'll be driving and I'll pay for everything and I'll eat with you guys too ofcourse" ... ... ... What? I laughed at first, I thought she was kidding! "no I'm serious. It's illegal for someone under the age of 18 to be out with another boy alone." WHAT? Someone clarify that for me. Oh.. Wait..
My mom wants me to date an older guy, that's why she says that. Nevermind. I'm half Korean so in Korea I'd be around the age of 18 (its a year jump thing, the time when the baby is in the womb is counted too). And she wants me to date some guy with high education and all that blah blah.
Well I'm sure a college student who is a studying zombie wants nothing to do with a hyper and weird chicken crazy girl. I like to date guys my age, a year apart ain't bad if he's mature enough. Anyways when I tried to tell her about guys my age she said it doesn't matter.

She knows I'm not one of those girls that opens their legs to every guy and she knows I break the limbs of guys who try something, so why would she be so serious about a touchy subject for me? It's probably touchy for her too, I know that. But.. When I'm on a date with a guy I like I wanna go out on walks with long conversations and sit on swings, go to a movie (that he will tolerate me talking through), or just sit with me with the birds and we can talk about nice things (future kid names!). Unless we're departing I don't want my mom being there hung over me and a guy like a marmoset monkey. I haven't had any dates because I don't want the stress. It needs to stop but I want my mom to know how I feel but she won't let anything pass her brick wall.

What do I tell her?

I am never going to experience my first kiss if she keeps this up. It needs to be special.. No one around.. Just me and a guy. And I do have a guy friend and we've been talking and he knows about all this already. So in a way we're together bf/gf wise, not officially together until I get the OK from the parents. And his parents.

 

[SunnyDawn]

Boy that is a tough one. I suspect it is how your Mom was raised since that is a pretty normal thing in her culture. Maybe you could meet her halfway? She can drive you to the movies or the restaurant but sit somewhere else? After she sees you two behaving she will probably trust you more and may let you date on your own at that time. Hard to tell. Unfortunately what she says goes at this time but you will be off to college soon and someday you will laugh about this and may even find it endearing that your Mom was so concerned about you.

Sorry I'm not more help.

 

[geepy]

Mom's worry, that's what we do. Some worse than others.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

I just...don't do controlling anymore. Dealt with it for 18 plus years. Unfortunately, that's probably what you will have to do too (from the sound of this particular case) until you move out.

If she is anything like the controlling people I grew up with, the only thing that is likely to change her most marmosety plan is pressure from other parents and society. Overly controlling behavior like this typically leads to the kid/spouse/teen in question sneaking around, which is likely what you will end up doing as your need for independence grows. Sneaking out to do terrible, horrible things..like going bird watching. Sounds laughable, but that is generally what happens in my experience. I hope your situation is different, but the cleaning coping mechanism makes me think perhaps not. At any rate,

PS. You can try to push for a date where people your age are all going in a group. This may help her realize (there will be societal pressure tied to that which controlling people are typically hyper aware of) that her plans are...not workable. It may also help set up the date as being seen as a safe situation in her eyes.

 

[Mattemma]

If I had a mom like that I would just wait on dating till I was in college AWAY from my mom. Some parents can be really dominating. I have relatives that still do the arranged wedding for their kids. Once you are on your own things will be better,but there will still be some degree of control they try to exert on you.

 

[Kelly G]

I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I told my daughter you're not even really dating if:

A parent (yours or his) is paying your expenses for any/all part of date.
A parent is washing/drying the laundry your wearing on a date.
" " is paying for the haircut you think makes you look super-cute.
" " allowing you to use a car that they are paying for.

Maybe your Mom will lighten up, maybe she won't. But don't be so quick to want to grow up and date - there's plenty of time for all that. Just be a kid for now.

 

[HeatherLynn]

I second the vote on waiting to date till you are on your own. I had similar insight into the same sort of thing because of religion. Thankfully my parents didn't buy into it, but choosing a husband in such a protected state isn't really wise. I know of 3 girls from our church school that ended marriages due to abuse because honestly what guy is going to act up with mom and dad around every second they are with you. They won't. These girls really knew nothing about these boys other than daddy was a preacher or a missionary.

I personally did not date till I was 20. My parents would have let me but i had no interest in dating someone years behind me in maturity. College will be a good time to break free a bit and be independent. Plus side is you will know yourself a bit better, the guys will still lack maturity for a while yet but you will at least be able to get to know them one on one. I would just tell mom that under the circumstances you have lost interest in dating and will just wait till you are older and on your own. Don't make a big deal of it. Just let her know and then move on to your normal activities. Before you know it you will be in college and your world will expand faster than you can think. If the guy you have your eye on is serious he will wait. Sounds like he has similar parental issues also.


P.S. Dating is not such a big deal as so many make it. I dated and never enjoyed it at all. It was a lot of pressure. I ended up never dating my husband really. I saw him, fell instantly for him. We kept it at best friends for 6 months. I then moved a thousand miles to be with him and plan our wedding. Not one real date in there at all. Twelve years later we now date to keep the marriage fresh, thats the only dating I have enjoyed.

 

[Baymule]

Whew! You have a tough one there. On the one hand, you love your Mother and want to obey, on the other hand, you feel the need to spread your wings a little and flutter around a bit. As a parent, my philosphy is.....If parents do their job right, their baby birds spread their tiny wings and fly away.

When a parent stifles that desire for independence, the results can be not what they intended. I always felt it was better for my kids to branch out on their own, while under my roof, let them take their lumps and under proper guidence, learn how to pick themselves up and get going again. Lesson learned. If a child is never allowed to make decisions for themselves, then when parents are not around, that child can go overboard on bad behavior. That being said, watch yourself. Even a good kid can make mistakes in asserting their independence, especially when that good kid has been under too much control. So.....NO sneaking around!!! Suck it up and play by the rules, even if the rules are not what you want to play by. At some point you will be a parent and then you will truly know just how hard it is to watch your precious baby girl (to you) drive away into the night with a boy, going who knows where.

If going on a date means so much to you, then take your Mom. If your sorta boyfriend already knows the score, then the 3 of you could go for pizza, go to a movie or whatever. Go to the zoo, walk her legs off, go hiking, you can get real creatative here. Mom has set the rules. Now it is up to you to enjoy them. There is soooooooo many activities you can do. Putt-putt golf, rock wall climbing, horse back riding, a carnival-come-to-town, eventually she will grow tired of trying to keep up with the "young" folks and stay put in one spot and let you and your boyfriend roam about. Look at it like spokes in a wheel. She is the hub, you are a spoke. You can go 'round, but come back to her. Maybe at some point she will trust you not to screw up your life, then again if it is a cultural thing, just love her and appreciate that she wants what is best for you.

Does your school have dances? maybe you could convince her to be a chaperone. then she could be there, but you would have a little freedom. Put your thinking cap on and figure out how to take Mom, but still have a good time. Someday this will all be funny to you, I promise. It is a little hard to appreciate now when you are caught up in the middle of it. Sorta like people reflecting back on "the good ol' days" (no running water, outhouses, etc) what's so good about that when it is 20 degrees outside and you have to go to the outhouse.....that sort of thing.

Just don't go off to college and do every thing your Mom would never let you do. My daughter reported to me that kids just went nuts away from their parents. She thought the kids around her were really stupid because of their behavoir. Be aware. Oh, and when you get to college, there will be tables set up with lots of "cool" free t-shirts, mugs, what-have-you, just for filling out a credit application. DO NOT FILL OUT A CREDIT APPLICATION!!!!! NEVER!!!! These vultures will give you a credit card with $300-$500 credit limit, which you will immediately max out. They know that in most cases the parents will pay the bill. If some kid maxes out his/her credit card and cannot pay for it and their credit is RUINED for YEARS, they don't care. Beware the traps that look so enticing.

Best of luck to you. You sound like a lovely young lady any parent would be proud to have. Keep us posted.

 

[Moochie]

Quote:
Oddly enough she lets me go to dances without her. I haven't been to a dance in a long time since the only music played at my school's dances is rap and pop. I listen to a wide range of music, but I'm not very fond of rap.. Sounds like noise to me.. No singing no rhythm. Eh. Pop I like but to a point.
After reading some of these I talked to my mom. I asked her more about what she did for dates at my age and it turns out she didn't have any dates. In Korea she went to an all girls private school. Her mom died when she was young and relied on her older brother for alot of things, including girly things (like period help). She said that her older brother did alot for her, cooked for her, taught her how to cook and clean clothes, sewing, etc.
She never had any dates until she met my dad. Mom says that her older brother and oldest brother were very protective and controlling. She said at 17 she went off to eat with one of her brother's guy friends and the next day her brother gave his friend hell about it. When my dad and my mom got married, my uncles didn't like my dad for being western. They wouldn't even shake his hand. They were afraid of getting "american germs" and they thought if they touched my dad they would turn american. Harsh.


I guess this explains some, huh?

 

[ChickensAreSweet]

I think you should just work within your mom's rules and be peaceful. You are nearing the time when you will be on your own.

I went through an impatient phase at your age too and it seemed like forever before I moved out. But the time does pass, and you will treasure the fact later on that you respected your mom.

I only lied to my parents ONCE- when I was 13 years old - told them I was going to point A when I was going out for pizza in reality with friends. My mom found out and I feel so ashamed to this very day.