Personal advice needed on marriage and finances

[Spookwriter]

If there is anything in my house that is truly mine, and mine alone...
It has to be my underware.

Nothing here that's mine. Nothing here that's hers. It's all ours, it
belongs to both of us equally. My wife has always been a stay at home
wife. I've made a comfortable living.

But I'm honest enough to know that I would not of made it without her.
No me and her in this marriage thing. Only an "we"...we made it, we went
to dinner..."We" did it all.

As I've said before...this home that we live in belongs to her. Put it in her name
when we got it paid off. Her home free and clear if our life ever comes to that.
This is HER home...the WE have provided.

Now...I don't guess I know what the monthly bills for this home are exactly. Because
I don't hold her to the penny, I don't ask her to account for the money she spends. If
she wants something we can't afford, I just figure I need to work harder, get more money.
Her home...she makes decisions about it. I don't care what color the couch is, or the carpet.

She's a pretty good wife. She doesn't ask for much.

But marriage is a "WE" thing. The only way it works...

 

[cassie]

Paychecks should go into a joint checking account and bills paid out of that. Each partner should withhold a pre agreed amount for personal use.

 

[DuckLady]

I think people should do what is right and what works for them.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

OK here is what I go over with young kids all of the time when they want to get married:

Everyone says "How do you think we should handle the money?" And people get all wrapped up in nice logical plans for what they know they should do. And then they don't do it.

The right question is , "What does money MEAN to you?" For one person money means security. ( I am one of those. The bills must be paid, I need to know I can keep a roof over my head etc.) For another they may say they know what they should do, but money really means status to them. That person may struggle with not spending more than they should on the status symbol car or clothes or trips. This couple will fight.

For some people money means freedom and the chance to travel or have adventures. If they marry some one like them they may do OK, but struggle to pay the bills.

See the pattern??? It is about what money does for you. Everyone KNOWS what they SHOULD do. But, money is a very emotional subject because it is the means to get the things which we want, not just what we need.

When I read a married person asking others what they should "charge" their mate for certain household expenses I hear some serious issues. If anxiety makes you need to have control over the finances and you cannot let that go, you may be blocking out his overtures. Or you may have chosen some one who does not want to blend his money so he can choose to bolt at any point.

You are married. Legally that changes things. Emotionally it should too. Ask yourself why you would even have to charge him? Why would he not have a joint account by this point?


What does money MEAN to you?

 

[cafe]

You did great, hangin'witthepeeps!

One of the hardest, but most important things I had to learn as a wife was that my husband can't read my mind and doesn't pick up on hints. I made a promise to myself after about ten years of marriage that if I didn't tell my husband what I wanted, I couldn't get mad at him for not doing it. It was very hard at first, but I love it now. I used to think that if he loved me I wouldn't have to ask, but it turns out that since he loves me, I have only to ask.

I can imagine with the age difference, the cultural difference, and coming into his life in his middle years that it's been an adjustment and I think it's great that you are being more straight forward and that he is willing to work with you now that he has a better idea of what it takes to make things work.

My husband and I have been married since we were 21 and he has always been the primary wage earner, so the way we do things is going to be different that how a couple who married later and already had property, etc would do things. What matters is what works for you.

 

[hangin'witthepeeps]

Happy to report that we talked and talked this weekend. I got flowers Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. They were wild flowers, but those are my favorite. He told me several times not to keep it locked away, I needed to tell him I was struggling. We had a wonderful weekend gardening and we even went to the peach orchard and had peach ice cream with the kids. We have money in my checking account left over after paying the bills and buying groceries. All in all it was a wonderful weekend and also wonderful that he understands. I don't know why I was nervous, but I'm glad I talked to you guys about it and mustered the courage.

 

[EweSheep]

 

[karl E lutz]

Good that you talked .so many women,"and I think this is a woman thing" think a man should just know, and when it becomes apparent that he doesn't thier feelings become very hurt. We are thick slow neanderthals and you must tell us multiple times to get it through our thick sculls.I truly wish I was a mind reader"uh well maybe not!The un edited truth would be too hard to bear.

 

[Miltonchix]

hangin'witthepeeps :

But what would be a fair compromise? It's hard coming up with "guesses". I know the regular stuff

250 House payment
130 lights
350 health insurance
25 life insurance
230 loan payment
40 vet bill and dentist (monthly until paid both are his bills)
400 approximately annually for taxes
75 cable
100 phone


What do I charge for food? Health expenses? Upkeep on home? It's all of these little things that are eating away at my money. The little inheritance I had is now gone. I have over the past 8 years, put a new motor in his truck, paid a lawyer for his citizenship application, paid a $3000 vet bill for when his horse had colic. He never has the money for these major things and I always find it, somewhere.

Why isn't money money? Not mine and yours. ALL money goes in ONE account and ALL bills are PAID from this one account and whats left over, some to savings, an allowance for incidentals.
The "paid a lawyer" statement is more of concern to me. Raised red flags big time. Have a niece who was in a similar situation. As soon as the lawyer got his immigration status worked out he disappeared. Leaving her and 3 kids.​

 

[hangin'witthepeeps]

My husband has had his green card sine 1984. He is applying for his citizenship. He could leave at anytime or didn't even have to marry me. He is legal to stay in this country for as long as he obeys the law and pays his taxes.