Personal advice needed on marriage and finances

[halo]

Do not sit down with him and tell him what portion he needs to pay, sit down with him and tell him WHAT NEEDS TO BE PAID. Tell him all the bills, if he doesnt know. There is no such thing as portions in a marriage; you'd be better off with a paying roommate than him.

 

[mylittlezoo]

Quote:
Ummmmmm....

DH is the main earner, he organizes all our finances and pays all the bills on time. If it were left to me, the power would be cut off regularly!! My barn and farm are run like clockwork, but I'm hopeless with the rest.

 

[hangin'witthepeeps]

Halo, I think you have convinced me that this is more my problem than his. I have set this current arrangement up, not him. He doesn't know what I pay, never seen a bill. Maybe I need to have more confidence in his willingness to help more. I had never been married before and always done things for myself. I assumed that's what most people did, split their money. I did not know that people pooled their money and shared the profits. May be I have been, pardon the expression, "screwing myself". Wow, what an eye opener. That's what you get with lack of communication and two "followers" getting married. No one to take up the reins and drive the wagon. I see now that this should be my responsibility because it has always been mine. I just needed to communicate more with him and learn to seek help and guidance. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm sorry if I painted him as a bum, but that was the way I was feeling. Now that I have talked this out, I see my mistakes in the relationship. I will talk to him tonight, show the bills and explain pooling money. He will either see it or not. I have to give him the chance to do the right thing.

 

[Gypsi]

hangin'witthepeeps :

But what would be a fair compromise? It's hard coming up with "guesses". I know the regular stuff

250 House payment
130 lights
350 health insurance
25 life insurance
230 loan payment
40 vet bill and dentist (monthly until paid both are his bills)
400 approximately annually for taxes
75 cable
100 phone


What do I charge for food? Health expenses? Upkeep on home? It's all of these little things that are eating away at my money. The little inheritance I had is now gone. I have over the past 8 years, put a new motor in his truck, paid a lawyer for his citizenship application, paid a $3000 vet bill for when his horse had colic. He never has the money for these major things and I always find it, somewhere.

There are no victims, only volunteers. Next time his truck needs repaired, let it be down until he has the money to pay for it. It is hard. I chewed my nails and took up watercolor painting when I was married and had to do this, but otherwise there was nothing left of me. Eventually I divorced and bought my own house, but I had to wean him of making bills for me to pay by not paying his bills. I opened my own checking account 2 years before the divorce, when I started my own company. When I had a job he could claim my income and get bigger loans for bigger stuff. He drove a caddy, I drove an old station wagon. He hasn't starved yet and neither have I. I divorced in 2001.​

 

[Amyable]

hangin'witthepeeps :

Now that I have talked this out, I see my mistakes in the relationship. I will talk to him tonight, show the bills and explain pooling money. He will either see it or not. I have to give him the chance to do the right thing.

Good luck tonight. Let us know if you need more hints or advice.​

 

[Xodrana]

Stop paying for anything . When he complaines just smile sweetly and tell him its his turn to pay all the bills since you have been paying for everything for x amount of time. Then go out and have one heck of a good time blowing your entire check on yourself and the children. He will either shape up or beat feet out of there. Either option will set you free. Don't allow him to force you to conform to his Latino culture. He has enjoyed having a wife half his age paying all the bills while he blows all his money on himself. Most Latino men I know are good husbands who take good care of their families. I have seen his attitude in non Latino families too. Only you can change your situation so get a backbone and deal with it. Be strong . Best wishes and hugs.

 

[redhen]

Why are you afraid to talk to your husband? What do you have to fear?
What are you worried about? I dont get it...

 

[hangin'witthepeeps]

It's a personality flaw I have. I hate confrontation and need to get over it. It's easier here, because I'm anonymous. I thank ya'll for helping me figure this out. Sometimes you need to let it out and may be someone can help you see the solution.

I need to talk to him and let him know what's going on. Give him the opportunity to step up to the plate. If he doesn't, then he hits the road.

 

[QuinnP]

sounds like he's a narcissistic person

 

[darkmatter]

I'm a DH and the sole breadwinner in my family.............I just say:

"Another day, another dollar, quarter after taxes, nickel after the wife and kids,----and I need that nickel for my beer!"