PhD Spouse Support Group

[BarkerChickens]

Quote:
My heart goes out to both of you! I am glad you two had a chance to talk about it.

 

[bluesub]

I'm not sure what field your husband is pursuing his PhD, but it sounds like he should get out with his Master's (but he needs to make that decision). I got my Master's and my advisors wanted me to stay for a PhD (basically I had a lifetime of research ahead of me based on what I started in my Master's). I decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life doing research, so I just picked a small part of the research I was working on and got my Master's. Later, I ended up getting my Elementary Education teaching certificate and am currently hoping for a job... not anywhere near the field of my master's. It sounds like your husband is struggling with this decision even though he knows what he wants to do. It also sounds like he is depressed - try to get him into counseling. Having his mother-in-law around all the time may be contributing to his stress.

Good luck.

 

[Xtina]

Quote:
This is exactly what his problem is. He's not enjoying research and writing, and if he gets his PhD, that, plus begging for grant money, will be his life. And he'll always be thinking about work on the weekends. He doesn't really want that, but yes, he's struggling with that decision and I don't blame him. It is quite the conundrum.

 

[bluesub]

Has he tried discussing this with someone on his committee (just not his advisor)? My committee was not happy with me, but I knew I could not spend my life in front of a microscope.

 

[Xtina]

Apparently, all the other people that are working in graduate assistanceships under this professor are feeling a lack of guidance from him and they're all going through the same level of emotional stress. The machinery is never working, which is causing the research to take too long, which just adds to his frustrations. I don't know that there's a broader committee, aside from his fellow graduate students and their advisor.

 

[BarkerChickens]

Bluesub summed up exactly how I felt about my MS and the idea of going on for a PhD. I wanted to pursue one before I got into grad school, but afterwards...nah. Only if I won the lotto and didn't have to worry about anything else financially. I knew I wanted my MS, but wasn't really interested in the PhD because of the constant stress of research and monotony that can come with working on the same project for years (I personally like consulting where the projects are much faster paced). But, it varies by field as well. My MS is in hydrogeology where there is a demand at both the MS and PhD level. And I agree that someone in his committee ought to be a bit more help (usually a grad student had 3 or more professors that make up a committee. The advisor is committee chair and the most active in overseeing the students progress. The rest of the committee is there for guidance when needed and approving the MS defense and PhD dissertation...well, for sciences anyway, not sure what your hubby is studying).

 

[perolane]

Seems to me that this entire situation comes down to choices & consequences for him...
* more money or happy family?
* please Dad or please me & what's best for my family?
* continue this way & risk losing my family....or stop & get it together and do what makes me happy?
*does my child need a PHD or a Dad who has time for me?

To be blunt...you're being taken advantage of. Remember the adage "you cannot be taken advantage of unless you allow it".....and honey you're allowing it.

Someone has already mentioned that you know what the problem is, just struggling to admit it...I agree. Not many understand the stress that going for a PHD will put on a marriage, BUT you still have a marriage that needs to be tended to.

& hope you can work this out.

 

[Southernbelle]

I went through something similar a few years ago and I was truly at the end of my rope, but it does get better. I promise it gets much better, if you just see it through.

DH and I got married after we both graduated college, after a few years we had 2 kids and I was a SAHM chugging along happily. Then, DH decided he wanted to go back to school to get a 2nd bachelors degree which would be paid for by the company he worked for and he would continue to work full-time. It took 4 years! He only took 1 or 2 classes per semester, but he was still working full time. So he still needed to put in an 8 hour day behind his desk + 1-2 hours in class + travel time, so every day was at least a 10 hour day, then he'd come home, go down to his office and do homework related to his classes. I NEVER saw him and he didn't help me with the kids or anything around the house. I truly felt like a single parent. I had a miscarriage that devastated me and he wasn't "there" emotionally for me - the memories of that time still hurt. Then we had a 3rd baby and I was really overwhelmed with it all. I gained weight, he gained weight. I was miserably unhappy in my marriage.

The worst part was, while he wanted that degree, it wasn't going to benefit our family at all. It wasn't going to raise his salary. Upon completing it, he got a $500 bonus check from work. Whoop-de-doo. I'm sure we spent more than that on marriage counseling in the last 4 years.

Now that it's all said and done, he graduated about 4 years ago, I'm glad he did it. It was on his personal growth to-do list and I'd never want to stand in the way of someone else's dreams. He got the Computer Science degree to complement his Nuclear Engineering degree, so now he can write computer codes that compliment his engineering work. He's gotten a reputation as working harder and faster than a lot of his co-workers that brought him to the attention of the higher-ups, which brought in huge raises. Also, in this uncertain work environment, he has huge job security. Even if the company he works for goes belly-up, he's a highly marketable employee with the 2 degrees and the experience he's gained. At home, he spends a lot of time with our kids, we've both lost a lot of weight, he does the outdoor chores, he's a loving husband and father and we even have a 4th baby.

Hang in there, it does get better. Keep your eye on the prize. In a few years, it will all be over. He'll go to work and you'll be the SAHM you want to be.

 

[KBlue]

Although I didn't read through every post, I skimmed enough to get the gist of it. DH and I have similar issues that we have been working through constantly, basically since we met, because as you've found out grad school can crush a relationship - married or not. Here's our story...

I met DH as a senior in college. Before we got serious, I made sure he understood that my plan in life was to attend graduate school and ultimately get a PhD. (He was already working at the time.) I told him that in the field I will be going into (an engineering discipline), a Master's and PhD can be completed after five years. (In fact, the school I ended up attending has a review at the five year mark to see if you are making adequate progress. If not, they ask you to leave.) So DH promised to be patient with me as I chugged through grad school full time. I squeezed in all my classes in the first two years, often taking the maximum credit load allowable. At the end of my coursework, I took the candidacy exam and received my Master's with a new baby in the house. The past few years I've been doing research full time under a professor that is chronically overworked and also provides little guidance. I treat my grad research as a job. I come in at 8 and leave at 4, I refuse to take work home with me and have worked only a few hours total on the weekend when it was absolutely vital. The rest of my time I reserve for my family, it is the only way I've found to stay sane. I come home and have to deal with all the other household chores. DH initially tried complaining when I took some shortcuts, but I told him that if he complains about how I'm doing things he can do them on his own. He has since stopped.

My five years will be up June 2012. I have told my advisor that that is my deadline. I am leaving at that time - degree or not and I am on my way to gathering up materials to start writing my dissertation in the fall. I've already registered with the career services center and also will be actively looking for a job starting in September, after the birth of our second child. I am not going to continue in academia, with this degree I can earn twice as much in industry, so I can recoup some of the lost earning potential that our family has sacrificed these past few years. I honestly don't expect to keep doing what I'm doing now for the rest of my life. Is it interesting? Yes, but not something I will (or want to) devote my entire life to. I need variety!

DH and I have also had our ups and downs trying to get this to work. I was at a point just a year or so ago, unsure if I was really going to be able to complete the degree because our finances were super tight. The deadline of five years has probably been the saving grace in our relationship. Unfortunately, PhD degrees can take forever if you let them. Having an intangible mark of "the end" was something that we could use to plan our lives around, and I've worked hard over the last four years to see to it that it will happen.

I read the update that your DH will leave with the Masters degree. I think that is a wise choice. A PhD is something that you really have to want. They pay you pauper's wages for ridiculous amounts of work. If he does not have the passion to work towards a PhD, then it will be a disaster (for you and for him) if he goes through with it.

Good luck to you, and hang in there! It sounds like this nightmare will end soon!

 

[australorpchick]

Hold on a minute...he's concerned on getting his dad's approval? The dad that's a lazy sack of chicken poop, who sponges off his wife's hardwork? Typically, you strive to obtain approval from those you look up to and strive to be like. It sounds like hubby needs a hefty dose of what's really important in his life. It sounds like counseling is in order for both of you. Resentment doesn't start out as a boulder in your heart, but as layers.