PhD Spouse Support Group

[BarkerChickens]

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I have my Master's degree, so I can understand what your husband feels as far as academics go. I also, can understand how you feel since my husband and I talked frequently about how much stress it put on him. Grad school takes a lot of time! It was 7 days a week. Even if I wasn't working on it at that moment, my brain was still trying to solve an issue where I left off or planning how to fit everything in the next day. When I had a moment to breathe, the last thing I wanted to do was stress over something else. Marriages and grad school are not a friendly combo. There is a high divorce rate because of it. However, if you stick it out, I guarantee there is light at the end of the tunnel!! As for exercise, I gained 30 lbs in grad school...stress and school was my life...trying to fit in house chores was hard enough. Trying to add exercise to my schedule, while I liked the idea, was just more thing to try to fit into a day that didn't have enough time already! I gotta say I can completely understand where he is coming from on that. The baby is a huge stress for you too and I realize that you have as much on your plate as he does!

But, the biggest issue, I think (which is based solely on reading the above since I am not there obviously), is that your husband is depressed and hates grad school. Just because the opportunity was presented, doesn't mean it is the best option. Why not stop after his Master's degree? I don't know what he is studying, but I know that in my field, a Master's degree with a job in the private industry pays WAY more than doing research with a PhD. Why go through that much stress for less pay if the work associated with the PhD isn't what he wanted. Sure, he is getting paid to go to school, BUT he could be making more money working and be happier. A PhD isn't worth the trouble if his heart really isn't into it. There is absolutely no shame is stopping now or after his Master's degree. He can look at it as he is doing it for himself and his family. Also, letting him know that you support his decision to stop school and go to work if he wants may help him as well. If he is feeling that he failed by not finishing it, then the support of his wife will go a LONG way in letting him know that he is a great father and husband without having to stick out a program that he doesn't want to be in.

Also, words of advice that helped DH and I A LOT when were having stress issues in our marriage (related to my schooling, etc). When you talk to him, stay calm and refrain from saying things like "You do this" or "You don't do this"....rather, say things like "I am concerned about the amount of stress you are under" or "I feel XYZ when ABC happens". That made a HUGE difference for us!! Changing him won't help. Marriage is about being a team and finding solutions together.

Also, the talking before bed thing...DH is the same way. He will stress and dream about whatever we talked about, so if it is about problems, then he won't sleep well. He needs you to be his partner and support system, not another source of stress. You need the same from him. Trying to find that balance is the hard part!!

 

[Xtina]

This is exactly the kind of perspective I'm looking for. Thank you so much for your input.

As far as why he's doing this, it's a tough decision and he doesn't know what's right. He says his earning potential with the master's alone isn't great and it's significantly better with the PhD. I have told him that I support whatever decision he makes, but he worries that earning less will disappoint me. He also is under pressure from his father to pursue the PhD. His father would be so proud of him if he did that, and I think that's a stupid reason to do something you don't want to do, but I understand it too. Everyone wants their father's approval, and my husband has never had his father's approval, so he'd probably feel really good to get it. I try to stay out of swaying his decision, because I feel like my input is coming from a selfish, shortsighted place. I want him to quit and get a job so I have less pressure on myself. But if three years of school more would increase his income potential by $20k or $40k a year for the rest of his life, then that's obviously an unwise decision EXCEPT for the fact that from the sound of it, he'd hate to have the kind of job you get with a PhD. I don't know what the right thing for him and for us is; just that I've reaffirmed that I support whatever he wants to do so many times. Also, another factor in his decision is that he says he's already laid so much of the groundwork for the PhD during his Master's program that it would be stupid to quit. I don't know and I don't understand these things, so I stay out of it. He wouldn't accept my input anyway. Even though we're a couple, he treats this like it's his decision alone. And I know that if he quits, his family will blame me and say that I ruined his dreams. That's the reason we waited so long to have kids: his family said that I was only out to saddle him down with a bunch of children and ruin his life. So we waited like 8 years into our marriage to have kids. They're not nice people and they don't like me or support our marriage. So I try to avoid doing things that will make them give him more grief about me. If I made him want to quit, they would say it was my fault he didn't pursue this great opportunity, regardless of the fact that he obviously doesn't want it or the life that comes with it.

 

[bkreugar]

Xtina I have to wonder from your last post , is he a momma's boy? As in he seems quite used to having someone(probably a female) take care of things for him?

That fits right into his mom not wanting him to marry ANYONE and if god forbid they have a child then that means he is no longer HER baby boy.


Your original post makes me very sad because basicly you say he has TRAINED you to not nag him or expect him to do much of anything. That doesn't get better and you MAY at some point just figure since you are doing everything anyway why is he there ANYWAY?

From your post he wants to be left alone, not bothered and not questioned on anything. Where is there any good in this for you?

 

[pdsavage]

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I agree seams that if he acts like a butt long enough you will back off and give in.Could be you have to not back off and as I said before don't expect any less from him then you do yourself.
Yes he is under pressure but so are you,why is his pressure more inportant?
Why is it that the other person gets to act like that and we have to take it and be all nice?
Your feelings and emotions matter just as much as his do.

 

[Xtina]

He's not really a momma's boy. His mom had to work 2 and 3 jobs his whole upbringing just to support his lazy, good for nothing father. Once my husband was big enough to follow directions, he was doing all the household chores, even taking the laundry and his little brother on the little red wagon down the street to the laundromat when he was eight years old and riding his bike for miles every day just to get his dad's fancy coffee from the fancy grocery store. So he had a lot of responsibility on him his whole life and he basically did what his father pleased first and what he pleased second. And since his father's deal in life was to amass as many ridiculous hobbies as possible (machining metal parts with a drill press on the kitchen table) he never learned that a house should be ordered and clean and not contain drill presses, machinery, car parts, and bicycles on the inside. His father believed that his mother ruined his life by saddling him down with kids, so that's what his father thinks of me too.

You're right about that it's sad that I can't bother or question him on anything. Not having a mother around and only having his father and brother running around in a completely unordered, male dominated environment I think is what caused him to be this way. And you're right, it seems like there's barely any good in this for me at all, except that he is loving and does cook for me. And that's what I'm struggling with. I feel like it's not normal for a wife to not be able to ask or expect anything of her husband.

 

[bkreugar]

Xtina well i'm not there, and of coarse we only see part of the story but WHEN/HOW does he come across as loving?

The saddest thing about your post is not that you have issues but that he seems unwilling to discuss/talk about this.

I am not the screaming harpy type (my dh trained me to a point also) but I find if I am really mad about something, I turn it over in my head while I run (my best coping mechanism) and think WHAT do i want to accomplish/change about this issue? Then I either discuss it with him OR inform him THIS is how I will be handling this in the future.

Some things that are small, I just let go and never bring up. In your situation I would turn it over in my head a bunch, decide how I want it to change (knowing that MY behavior is all I can change) and move forward from there. It would seem you will NOT be able to come to any terms with him and just bear it best you can till he's done.

IF he was the same after the program was over I don;t think I could stay.

You do have the possibility of having a knock down drag out with him where you tell him how unhappy YOU are (not him) and you don't see how you could continue this way for much longer. He may see how he may lose you but I doubt it.

Bottom line is always you can only control/change YOUR behavior, speech and thoughts, never anyone elses's. In that vien if he won't make any changes in your behavior you can only change YOUR interaction with him.

SOunds like his dad was a selfish jerk and he is training for it now.

 

[caspernc]

Xtina, dear, You are the one who needs some face to face time with a councelor. Like some have and you have said YOU can't change him, but you can change how you react to him. It will lift you up and make you feel better about yourself and maybe that will spread onto him and maybe everyone will be happier.
Take a deep breath, get yourself some help.

and give your mom a big hug. Hugs from mom are the best. She dosn't meanto interfere, she just wants the best for you. Tell her you are on a new path and it will be better with some time. Good luck.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

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I think you already know what the problem is and you just are struggling with admitting it.

I would have killed to get to do grad school under the circumstances he is doing it. I am jealous he is getting paid to go. I was working full time and in grad school full time.

He really reminds me of my sister's husband. Extremely bright - utterly lacking in ambition whatsoever - quick to resent what he sees as the burdens other people put on him - pretty much lacking in empathy or emotional maturity. She decided long ago what she could and could not get out of her relationship. She chose to stay. Her choice.... I would have bailed. She eventually realize that he was not going to change, that he was both depressed and this was his personality. She thinks he has Asperger's.

 

[Xtina]

Update: We had a big talk about school yesterday. We went out to dinner with one of his Navy buddies and when his friend was asking him all the questions I ask him, he was totally forthcoming and didn't get angry about the situation at all. Then we went on a long walk together and he was saying that he doesn't want to do the PhD, he's never wanted to, and he doesn't want the job that comes with it. He still feels like he might pursue it, but he's leaning heavily toward quitting. He says that he told himself that if things didn't get better this semester that he wouldn't continue and that they didn't get better so he doesn't want to continue. We'll see what actually happens, since this is the second time in as many months that he's said he's said he's going to quit, but last time he changed his mind.

 

[Nat the Brat]

Good luck to you- Yes, your heart is in the right place.